How can I be honest without these admissions and proof of her ability to tell the truth?
In January 2010 my 30 yr old wife of 5 yrs (8 yrs together) began a texting affair with a single 24 yr old male coworker. These texting sessions became marathon events where they would start as early as 5 am, lasting until after 3am. Hundreds/day. She was also flirting and sharing intimate thoughts feelings and personal information with at least 1 other man via Facebook.
May 15th he stopped responding to her texts. She sent pics of herself to him of herself in bra and panties (she eventually admitted 3 months later) but still no response.
On June 18th, a Friday night she came to see me play a gig (I am a musician) and asked me to watch the kids while she had a "girls night out". She called the ex co-worker at 11pm and they made several calls to each other then started texting again until 12 midnight. She was also texting the girlfriend she was with. At that point (midnight) according to the phone records, all outbound activity on my wife's phone stopped. Her friend (whom she was with) called and texted her phone several times, I tried texting her with no response. At 1:25 my wife made an outbound call to her girlfriend. Her girlfriend made several more calls and texts that were not returned. At 2:45 my wife called her GF and began texting her up until 3am. At that point the 24yr old co-worker called several times, she returned calls until about 3:30 at which time the texting frenzy began again. This continued until my wife walked in the door at 4:20am. This doesn't take a detective to figure out what she was doing those 3 hours. I asked her point blank. Her answer is always "I don't remember."
The following Friday June 25th I decided I had enough of her childish behavior and called her oldest and dearest GF whom she had mysteriously stopped seeing. This woman was her boss at her seasonal PT job. I asked her if she knew why my wife had not spoken to me in a week. She took a long pause then reluctantly said "I can't take any more of this and I can't talk to you over the phone, can you come over?" Naturally I rushed to this friend's house.
When I arrived, she informed me that my wife and the co-worker had become very close, enough so that she and everyone in the office were sure the two had started an affair.
Upon confronting my wife about her texting partner, the look she gave me was that of someone who had seen a ghost. She said they were "just friends”. I asked her if she was cheating, she answered a definitive no. This was the first of many many times she said, "There is nothing to tell you, I am tired of beating a dead horse.” She then informed me that she was sick of me, sick of our house, and wanted to leave with our daughter. I then asked her what the entire silent treatment was about. She responded that one of the previously mentioned FB male friends had told her that I was emailing him threatening to send his GF edited versions of their conversations unless he stopped contacting her. He then instructed her to lock me out of her computer and phone, spy on me (run through my web history) and to be very careful and secretive, to which she complied with, without questioning me. I of course denied this and told her if I had found any evidence of her carrying on inappropriate conversations with anyone, she could bank on me confronting her before I confronted him. She did not believe me. She continued to text him through the weekend up until we walked into church on Sunday.
The following Wednesday she went with a group of women to see the vampire love story movie twilight. She came home and we had sex during which she told me "I don't want to be with anyone else” and "are we going to be able to get through this?” to which I responded in my ignorance to what really happened, "of course baby!”
Over the next 2 months we fought hard. I left 3 separate times for about a week each time. During 1 of my absences she emailed him again and invited him to email or text her sometime and finished it with one of those winking characters ;o) She also answered a friend's questionnaire and responded that she missed him and that she wished she was with him.
Finally, after months of pleading and begging her to tell me what I already knew (that she was with him that "girls night out”) she admitted to meeting him at the bar that Friday night. When I asked why she withheld this critical information, she broke down crying harder than I had ever seen (she almost never cries), she responded, "I thought you would leave me.” I told her that I would not leave her over having a drink with someone, and unless she was currently having an affair, I was going to try and work through this.
I made a huge mistake and texted him using her phone. I asked him (In very crude language) if he was masturbating. He replied "Ha! That's your job...Come over to drink and swim with us” The next day when I asked her about his response, she said, "any man would respond that way after your message.” She berated me, raised her voice, called me names, disregarded and ignored my questions, lied when answering, denied and ridiculed me, threatened to leave, mocked me with derision, charged me with obsession, acted as if I was crazy, made fun of me, criticized me, shouted in my face, laughed at me, been outright contemptuous, to my face.
Eventually, after more begging and pleading for my wife to admit to me that which I already knew, she did so when faced with perceived proof. I told her I had sent her sim card to a forensic phone detective (my last ditch effort of a bluff) and he had over 1200 texts recovered for me. "Do you have anything to tell me before I spend the money to retrieve them?” She then admitted to sexting, pics, inappropriate conversations and the fact that she told him she would come to meet him as soon as she could get me to watch the children and get away. We went to a sex shop, bought a few items and headed home to enjoy each other. Later I cried in bed and she asked me to forgive her.
She still cannot admit that she spent 3 hours with him that night. She knows I know. I have made it very clear. I have told her I cannot move on until she tells me the story of her affair.
My wife has done much to change including; being affectionate as opposed to cold and distant, been more timely, telling me where she is and what she is doing, and the hardest thing-being a more submissive wife due to her own admission of self destructiveness. She admits she lacks self control, focus, an ability to be respectful to me or herself, among many other issues. Before meeting me-a centered, passive, non- controlling, trusting, loving man (albeit with some anger issues that I have resolved)-she claims she has always been a natural submissive until meeting me-I did not demand anything of her, so she became unraveled. The problem was her horribly abusive childhood, as well as her abusive, sadistic, addictive (alcohol and drugs) undisciplined partners in her past relationships.
I did months of research and read dozens of books on the subject before suggesting to her. Everything from the psychology to the actual dispensing of pain. The how, why, what, where and who. The love, commitment, trust and honesty necessary. Upon learning of my newfound interest, she very excitedly agreed to a D/s relationship. She needs the discipline. She thrives on it. She will give me anything. It has transformed our marriage. She had previously been in a D/s that she left from because of an abusive Dom. After I explained what he was lacking -love, forgiveness, self control, trust, - (this list goes on and is exhausting just to write!) She decided she wanted to be submissive to me because of her lack of focus, lack of respect (for herself as well as for me) and for the lack of a sense of achievement. She is still unable to apologize for her actions-but has made some genuine progress. We are happier now than either of us has ever been. She offers to do anything I wish with this 1 exception. I still hear "There is nothing more to tell you, you already know everything, I am tired of beating a dead horse.”
I cannot trust her because she refuses to make herself vulnerable on this 1 issue- The story of and truth of her affair. I have been advised by experienced practitioners of this lifestyle to not engage in any BDSM play until she overcomes her fear of telling me what I have requested. After telling her we are shelving this aspect of our lives, taking back my choker, stopped her spankings, putting away our toys, and informed her we are going back to counseling, she has become despondent. I am at the end of my very long, very beautifully tied, shibari rope.
My question is how do I continue in my efforts to support her (emotionally and sexually) if she cannot or will not admit being with the OM even in the face of proof via phone/text msgs? The answers to all of my questions are: "I don't know", I don't remember" or the most recent, "I was so selfish" (I thought that was an improvement over her previous answers or the lack of admissions.) How can I be honest and share my needs, desires and plans for us without these admissions and proof of her ability to tell the truth? Every time she tells me "that's all there is" there is always more. It is a never-ending rabbit hole. I love her, am beginning to develop trust for her again, however I am concerned with the dishonesty. She has said in the past she was dishonest because she thought I would leave her when faced with her actions. Now she says she trusts me completely, in that I will not leave her or use revenge or her submission to exact punishment. We are in counseling but she is not opening up in that environment.