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liz_in_ma

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6 years ago

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Dan And Jennifer

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I can't stop my affair

Hi Dan and Jenn,

I am a unhappily married woman with three kids. I started having an affair with a married man one and half years ago. He also has children. We really care about each other and both wish we could be together but neither of us wants to hurt our children and break up the familys. He seems to be able to deal with this better than I. I love him so much and all I do is think about him and miss him. I am definitely having trust issues with him. I wonder where he is at times and what he is doing and why he doesn't call sometimes. I've tried to end this affair a few times, because I just can't stand feeling this way. I also thought by doing so, He would tell me how much he loved me and that he would do anything for me. No such luck! He just tells me he cares about me and says let's keep things going, and enjoy the time we have together. The more I want him, the more he seems to back off. Should I end things with him or just relax and have fun when we can be together. What are my rights in this relationship? THANKS! Liz :o: confused:

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Hi Liz, if you wont mind, I want to also post my reply to your thread:)

Sad to say but the reality could be that you are a convenience to the guy:( Think if he really really wanted to leave his wife he would have done that a long time ago. At this stage he doesnt see it neccesary to leave her anymore, because he got a nice time both sides. I know this hits a woman very hard, to feel used, cause I was in the same situation once before. Truth is that some men (woman also maybe) but mostly men can live years loving more than one women. I would suggest, hard as it may be, break up with him, cause, think real hard: If he should leave his wife and move in with you, would you "Ever" be able to trust him again, or would he trust you? The thought of what you guys did for the past 1.5 years would always stay in the back of your head. Also: If he should move in with you, is this reeeeaaaaaally the man of your heart, is this uncertain way of living what you really want for the rest of your life and is it worth taking the risk, to only be dropped for the next women maybe at the age of 45 or later;)

If you move this man out of your life, try to get him out of your head, make a huge effort to patch things up with your hubby, just maybe you can also have the great life you deserve:)

Take Care

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I just have one question...

Are you happy?

If the answer is yes, then by all means continue down the path you're on.

I feel however that the answer is no.

When you are in a situation where you feel unhappy, you have two options. Accept it or change it.

In this situation, you can accept the fact that this man is happy with things just the way they are and that you wish there could be more and that's just how it is.

Or

You can change the situation. But before you make any changes, you need to answer some questions for yourself.

Why are you having this affair? This about you - do not blame your husband or anyone else for your feelings. When you answer this question, make it about your feelings. "I'm having this affair because I feel ________.

Most people have affairs because they are looking for someone, another person, to make them happy. What you have to realize is that happiness comes from within you. Once you've identified why you're having this affair - sex, loneliness, emotional connection, boredom, whatever - then you need to find ways to fill that void yourself.

If you truly decide that you do not want to be with you husband, then leave. If you want to be with your husband but there are some problems that need to be resolved for you to stay, then work on those problems with him. GO to counseling if you need to. Try to take him with you, but if he won't go, then go yourself.

Simply put, you've got to find the happiness within yourself. This other man cannot do that for you. Only then can you have a happy relationship with another person.

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When somehting is over it's over. No matter how long two people have been together. I caught my ex-wife with two different men. It was over, but I let the slut come back and it was a mistake, because she stole money from me and we ended up in court of a bettery charge. It was a mess. Don't wait don't waste anymore time with someone that it's not right. I mean all the time you've been with this person was time wasted.

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This is NOT meant to offend you by any means

Married men just want someone to have sex with because their wifes are giving it to them.

Sorry I know the truth hurts.

I would leave him and call him a scum that is my advice, he is just using you for sex.

Sorry again NOT meant to offend anyone.

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hi,

I can understand teh attraction and safety he gives u

as he is married u r both discrete.

Both passionate with each other.

but u r falling too deep in love with him

u will hurt your family

Think of how u will feel if u r found out.

I was found out.

pain is real.

Shame is unimaginable.

Uncertainty and out of control because it is up to my wife to forgive.

I cant do anything to convince her except live the pain every day.

do as much as i can for my family.

try and move on and enjoy your family.

The alternative is more awful than you could imagine.

best wishes

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if you don't love your husband and there's no way you can make it work (discussing, couceling), leave them both. this is the story of my parent's divorce. exactly like yours.

by going on with this (as my cheating parent did) you will feel horrible you can't be there for both parts (kids and ur lover) and will eventually crack up. while u carry on with frustrations, the kids (and ur husband) will see it on you, they'll know, and they will end it possibly on bad terms. You might not get them on your side.

me and my brother were 18 and 19 when it happened and we knew what was going on. my mom found the source of the problem, she and my dad had difficulties with our withut the affair. i couldn't stand the lying and indeccisions of my mom and i yelled out at her (after continuous fights in the house) to fix it or leave. the more she postponed it, the more everyone got hurt.

guess what happened? he bastard left my mom, cause she was starting to be too much of a "bother" and he didn't wanna be responsible anymore. he didn't wanna take care of her, as it wasn't pleasing his needs.

i suggest u leave the bastard. he's clearly using you! he's keeping you for backup, confort, a toy. if he'd loved you, the situation wouldn't be "just fine and enough for him" and he'd naturally want more. he doesn't love you.

we worked things out with my mom, but it's very hard not having my dad around.

you can change it.

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If I can put my two cents worth in. My wife had an affair many years ago with a married man. She too felt that she was in love with this guy which was the hardest part for me. She came to me a year or so after she ended the affair and confessed everything. I had no clue it had happened. Anyway, I believe that her confessing to me helped in us working through it and we are now happier than we had ever been. She has not repeated her past actions (as far as I am aware). We discussed everything in length at the time and it took a long time to get things OK between us. She said that she had suspected during and learned after her affair that the guy that she thought she was in love with was also doing the same with other women and had been for years. She broke it off with him as she realized that she was still in love with me and this affair was more of an infatuation with her than love. I believe that your situation sounds similar. You may want to take some time and sit back and evaluate everything before you make any decisions. It sounds like you already have questions in your mind. At some point you should talk to your husband depending on how you think he will react. Like my wife told me she felt tat sh owed the truth to me so I could make my own decision as to what I wanted or did not want from our future. Our relationship is very strong now and I feel in part that is due to the actual affair. It was a turning point in both our lives. So think about it and make your own conclusions.

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