Ask Dan & Jennifer

Lucia: Welcome to the Dan and Jennifer Forums. You'll find a lot of people here who are glad to help.

We're living in a new millennium, but men still haven't changed. This is the classic case of him having the advantages of marriage without the obligations.

Before you begin to address this situation, you have to make a fundamental decision in your heart: Would I rather have this relationship with him as it is, or no relationship with him? If, and only if, you are willing to follow through with the latter can you change this.

His telling you one thing, then going around bragging about the situation to others, is a red flag to me. If you move out, he may or may not decide he wants to change. Either way, you'll have your answer. What you don't want is to try to trap him. You don't want a man just staying with you because he feels trapped. That's where you need to step up now and begin saying "Is this relationship really what I want."

I doubt that you're ready to take this step right now. When you get fed up with the situation, ultimately it's going to take you being willing to leave the relationship to see if he's willing to change his behavior.

Thank you Beagle for your response. It's a case of seeing what I need to do versus what I really want to do. Fact is I love him like crazy. I have walked out of that front door without a second thought in my mind over a million times. I don't know if I could live apart from him successfully. During all of our years together we have only been apart 3 weeks total. He is a wonderful partner and father. It hurts me deeply everytime I hear him tell people that we will never get married. It feels like he views me more as a friend/room mate with benefits than a partner in this relationship. What prompted my post was a combination of events one being my son's outburst a few weeks ago and then there was a chat session that had been left up when I went to use the computer. He apparently has recently made connections with a slew of old girlfriends on line. the conversation that I read was about me. The woman in question asked how long we had been together and when we were getting married to which he replied that " although I was the mother of his children, I wasn't "marriage material" and he had no plans to ever marry me." I don't know what to think when something like this comes up. We both married young and are divorced twice over. I have made it clear from the beggining that although I wouldn't pressure anyone into marrying me that I would like to have that option later on. It seems to me that he is closing the door on that option and that I SHOULD move on. I honestly don't know how. Our lives are so intertwined that they would overerlap no matter what. There is no "clean break" option. For my sanity alone their has to be. It saddens me that I have put so much into a relationship , my heart, my hopes, my dreams, my sweat, and tears, just to be dismissed as nothing after all of these years. Yet these women that have used and abused him are put on pedastals with the highest reverence. I guess to win his heart I should have treated him like crap, cheated on him, humiliated him, and ran off with his money in order to be worthy of him. ( This is a recurring theme with all of his former relationships). Sorry for the venting......I am just devestated and confused. This culmination of events this past month are really weighing on my mind. Anyhow, thank you again for your response. :-)

I must say that I am a bit confused on what it is that's bothering you. Is it the fact that he refuses to propose to you after 12 years? Is it the fact that he likes to brag to people about being with you without marrying you? Or is it both?