Ask Dan & Jennifer

Its very sad that you have chosen to stay in a marriage where you felt no love for over 20 years. Yet, it sounds like you do have feelings for her, not passion perhaps, but some concern for how she would feel should she know you feel passionate about someone else. Does she feel the same?

You tell this tale like you are the victim, and that you had no choices. Even though you admit you realized you had "nothing in common" after she first became pregnant. But for some reason you continued to make love to her and make more children with her. Surely there was some level of passion for her at some point.

So here is the thing. You have had three children with this woman, and presumably you have told her you love her. Yet here you are denying you ever did. Did it ever occur to you that you were lying to her? Maybe even to yourself?

Now here you are, half a lifetime spend lying to a person you seem to have some respect for, but you now want to lie to her even further?

If you care about her, or yourself, you will stop the lying. Tell her the truth, that you want something other than what you have with her. The sad part is, had you ever told her this in the first place, she may have worked with you to have developed some kind of intimacy. Where there is a lying there is no intimacy. Or maybe she would have simply chosen to move on herself.

But in any case continuing to lie is destructive to both of you. Its not respectful of the 20+ years you have spent building a life with this woman, and it's not respectful of the woman you feel so passionately about. If there really is anything between the two of you she will give you a chance to discover what is real.

Just start by respecting yourself, and your wife, by owning your truth. You have not felt passionate for her for a long time, and you long for passion in your life. Either develop it with her, or let the marriage go and start over. You might be surprised at what can develop between you when you start respecting each other and owning your truths. Any other path leads you to self loathing and disrespect for all parties.

The truth is you, and your wife, both deserve more. Don't stand in the way of your wife's and your own possibility for real happiness. Be honest for once.

Thanks Melody. I know I have been lying all these years and have lived in a make believe world. There are more complications than I can communicate in 4 paragraphs. I know I have been no angel in this relationship either. I have my faults. I have felt for years that this marriage is past the point of no return and I stayed "faithful" to her all this time. Until now. The reason why a seperations was never broached is because she is from a very religious fundamentalist background. In her mind, divorce is wrong all the time and there is no just cause for divorce, unless one spouse finds out the other is gay. I do not have that back ground but I have stayed in this marriage for the sake of the children. Now they are grown and the last one will leave the house in 9 months.

Like I said, I know I have contributed to the problem. I lack communicating with her because I feel that if I tell her what I feel, it would crush her. I have feelings for her. I have feelings for lots of people. It is getting to the point though that I am going to sit down and communicate to her exactly where I am at. I know she would take it difficultly, but I know she would be happier without me and she could pursue her religious convictions with passion and go on her prosyletizing mission trips to her hearts content! That is what she wants to do.

Who knows, maybe I am some sinister, demented person. I just started seeing a therapist and maybe they can help. Regarding sex, my wife would love it. She has asked for it, yet I always say no. For the last 10 plus years she has not even seen me without clothes on. I never touch her, hold her hand, hug her, put my arms around her for any reason, and never tell her I love her (EVER). For the last few years, we go seperate ways on vacation. I work tons and tons of overtime and, although I do love my job, it keeps me out of the house. Thats why I work 70 hr. weeks.

I don't believe there ever was intimacy in this marriage, but, if there ever was intimacy, I can not figure out how to get it back. There was never any romance in this marriage. If all this paints me as a bad person, then so be it. I know if I separate from her, she will be looked upon as the victim and all her friends will rally around her.

Anyhow, I know that telling her the truth is important and that day is soon dawning. I can't pretend any more. Its too exhausting. Heck, to her friends, and for her sake, I have pretended to be some what religious going to all her religious meetings for years! I quit that cold turkey about 6 months ago! I am not pretending any more!

GoldenBug: I know I'm going off topic here, but I just want to say how much I respect you for how fair and balanced you were in your post. You showed a lot of insight, and I think you're asking the questions you need to be asking. As always, I enjoyed reading Melody's response. She is a lady, in the true sense of the word, with tremendous insight.

If you have an affair, your wife will probably find out about it eventually. I've known people to feel so guilty they had to tell the other person. My best advice is don't start your new relationship based on deception. Cheating never results in anything but pain for everyone involved. You need to decide what you're going to do about your marriage before you start pursuing another relationship.

I've heard numerous fucked up marriage situations/stories and how each one of them eventually ended up in divorce. This is the first marriage situation I've come across that involved two unhappy people that didn't end up in divorce or any fights/immaturity/negativity. So a big kudos to you for going about this in a way that nobody else has, at least nobody else that I've known.

That being said, if you are unhappy in your marriage, it's time for a change. As long as everything is done the right way, I don't see a problem with this. I don't know how you've been able to live with someone for 23 years when there was no love involved in it from beginning till now. I know I couldn't do it. I know you've already mentioned this but I think it's important for you to keep her in the loop of what it is you're planning on doing. Even if you don't love her, she is still your wife and she at least deserves that much.