Response title
This is preview!
I have been introverted for most of my life . I am 21 years old. When a woman shows me "feelings"(interest), when a woman puts herself on the line for me, and when a woman opens up to me, I get very emotional inside, there is a deep spiritual pain that is summoned within.
I can not control it , call it out, I can not find it within me regularly, so I can not face it regularly ,but when its summoned, called out , it hits me like a ton of bricks. It only is summoned in me when I am face to face with a woman that cares about me, a woman that looks me right in my eyes, right then and there, and searches for me, as I really am, a lost boy deep within a cage.
I keep it inside, as I learned to build it into my core , hide it, the only thing that brings it out now is the affection, love , interest from a woman.
I can not face it without embarrassing myself, so I run, I hide , if I was to allow my walls to be taken down, when they can be taken down I would be so vulnerable. An angel lifting the bricks away, only to find something injured , hurt inside , who is going to nurse me back to health ? Who is going to demolish, and then salvage what is left of this human being, some one who has been introverted for most his life?
I would break down and cry right there in public, before the woman, before God, and everyone else if I allowed myself to express that little boy that I am inside, it wouldn't take long for him to catch on, become a man with a little faith in the future , becoming that man, but...I don't want to be embarrassed again, I don't want people to look and say , look how dysfunctional he is, look how out of place with the world that guy is. I dont want people to point , laugh, make fun of me , as they did during my childhood divorce. I got a long way to go to get to the light, and who is going to be there for me !? Who is going to show me the way?
So I get defensive, I get angry, I become scared. I become alone, I fear dying alone, but when I think about it , due to conditioning I really don't fear it at all.
It's that spark of life left in me, the part of me that is still human after all these years, only a woman can bring it out of me, and only when its real, when its happening.
I can not call it out , only a woman can, only when its real, and I don't know how to face it, because if I do I'll break , and no one will be there to catch me when I fall.
No one will understand my pain that is all so real, no one will be able to help me.
I close off to the world and only when I do art, something that I love do people see the real me.
I am closed off, and I have no friends...I'm alone . Only time I can face my problems is when they are current, when I look a woman in her face, and I search within her.Im afraid what she sees, I don't know what is left in there anymore.
I can not control it , call it out, I can not find it within me regularly, so I can not face it regularly ,but when its summoned, called out , it hits me like a ton of bricks. It only is summoned in me when I am face to face with a woman that cares about me, a woman that looks me right in my eyes, right then and there, and searches for me, as I really am, a lost boy deep within a cage.
I keep it inside, as I learned to build it into my core , hide it, the only thing that brings it out now is the affection, love , interest from a woman.
I can not face it without embarrassing myself, so I run, I hide , if I was to allow my walls to be taken down, when they can be taken down I would be so vulnerable. An angel lifting the bricks away, only to find something injured , hurt inside , who is going to nurse me back to health ? Who is going to demolish, and then salvage what is left of this human being, some one who has been introverted for most his life?
I would break down and cry right there in public, before the woman, before God, and everyone else if I allowed myself to express that little boy that I am inside, it wouldn't take long for him to catch on, become a man with a little faith in the future , becoming that man, but...I don't want to be embarrassed again, I don't want people to look and say , look how dysfunctional he is, look how out of place with the world that guy is. I dont want people to point , laugh, make fun of me , as they did during my childhood divorce. I got a long way to go to get to the light, and who is going to be there for me !? Who is going to show me the way?
So I get defensive, I get angry, I become scared. I become alone, I fear dying alone, but when I think about it , due to conditioning I really don't fear it at all.
It's that spark of life left in me, the part of me that is still human after all these years, only a woman can bring it out of me, and only when its real, when its happening.
I can not call it out , only a woman can, only when its real, and I don't know how to face it, because if I do I'll break , and no one will be there to catch me when I fall.
No one will understand my pain that is all so real, no one will be able to help me.
I close off to the world and only when I do art, something that I love do people see the real me.
I am closed off, and I have no friends...I'm alone . Only time I can face my problems is when they are current, when I look a woman in her face, and I search within her.Im afraid what she sees, I don't know what is left in there anymore.
