Hello Dan and Jennifer,
I've been in it pretty rough lately when it comes to relationships. I was recently broken up with by my girlfriend Ashley. A week before ending it she told me that she would "no matter what, always find a way to work out things between us" because I "meant everything to her"; she "would never give up on us". Seven days later I asked her to have a "talk" with me (I had an issue I needed to address) and she used the opportunity to tell me she didn't want to be with me anymore after our 1 1/2 years. Though secretly shattered and broken, I took the news like a man; I didn't yell, I didn't get mad, I didn't complain. I simply told her that I did not want to end things but it is out of my hands to control her decision and if that is what she truly wanted then I wouldn't stand in her way. Her reason was that we fought too often about other guys. Admittedly I became a jealous person towards the end of the relationship (though I have never been jealous in any relationship before this) but she also confessed that she had done certain things in the relationship that would warrant jealousy in anyone. So essentially we both admitted our mistakes and in her eyes there was no way to work through them.
She tried to make amends by asking if we would remain friends, and I meekly told her that down the road I was sure we would be fine. After convincing myself that I would never get over Ashley fully (she was an absolute Goddess, think Elisha Cuthbert in the girl next door with Martha Stewart home making skills and a Jenna Jameson sex drive) I met Kristine during a drunk night out with some supportive friends only a few weeks after my heart was broken. She is a very attractive, interesting, and successful individual. We exchanged numbers and went out on a few dates. Things went well between us and we had a lot of fun together, I started to think less about my ex and it was a nice change. I am tentative though to enter a new relationship and am taking things slow.
Now, about 6 months before all of this fiasco happened a pal and I scheduled a 2 month long trip to Thailand and some surrounding nations. I thought it would be positive for my relationship at the time, you know the old "distance makes the heart grow fonder" mentality. Due to the break up though this trip changed roles and now became a well-timed vacation that would allow me to forget about things back home. I had a new girl to think about while I was gone and all the distance in the world to forget about the old one. The only hitch was that one day prior to leaving I recieved an email from my ex Ashley that proceeded to royally mess with my mind. Laced with such statements as "I will miss you, you'll always hold a place in my heart", "I know this was the right decision for me right now, I'm sorry", "I can never know what may happen between us down the road but I promise you I will never say 'never' about us", "I don't intend to hold onto anything that has happened between us", "you are a great guy and were an awesome boyfriend, and I know you will always get what you want in life", and other such contradicting confessions I hade no idea what to make of this letter. I am ashamed to say I used it as my cue to profess my love for her and my wish that we could get back together. To this she responded by cementing her position that she could not be with me, she had completely closed herself to any feelings for me. Needless to say thoughts about her occupied a large portion of my down time in between adventures on this trip. Without a reminder of my new interest Kristine I was doomed to dwell on my ex. Love hurts.
I am now back home, I sternly asked my ex to stop emailing me after her last refusal of my love 1 week into my trip. I told her that if she truly wanted to be friends then I would need a lot of time away from her before I could see her in a light existing outside of a serious relationship. She didn't try to initiate any contact with me after that. An important fact I have failed to mention is that my best friend Devon is engaged to her older sister Emily (ironically enough they met through Ashley and I) which means that I have a continuous reminder of what is going on in her life. Though Ashley tended to be a habitual relationship hopper by definition, I was surprised to find out from Devon that Ashley had been dating many different guys on the short term as of late, a male model here, a rugby player there, maybe the odd fitness instructor, but had yet to engage in any sort of sexual activity with them using the excuse that they were "bad kissers" or "too hung up on ex girlfriends", etc. which seemed a little strange to me. Knowing her I understand that she equates sex with being in a relationship, therefore isn't pursuing these guys beyond a few dates/nights of kissing. He also told me that she had been bringing me up more than usual and asking about me casually in conversation; "is he back from his trip?", "have you seen the pictures, how do they look", "do you think he will call me when he gets back?", etc. This newfound interest in my activities as well as a continual sighting of "deal breakers" in these new guys caught my curiousity and attention. I am now perplexed. I haven't really been spending time with Kristine since I have come back from my trip, though I know she is still highly interested. I'm not sure where my interest levels are at anymore. To add to it I feel my thoughts continually wandering towards my ex, wondering if I would be able to start something new. It's been just over 3 months since Ashley ended it with me, and I've been casually dating Kristine for about 2 1/2 months (though I was gone for half of that time).
My strategy right now is just to take things nice and slow with Kristine and enjoy my time with her. My ex isn't going anywhere, I know that, though she may date other guys and enter into new relationships. I also understand that I will essentially have a life long connection to her through my best friend and her sister's relationship (in fact in a very cheesey chick flick fashion her and I will probably stand opposite eachother as best man and maid of honour in their wedding). I personally believe the main reason it didn't work was that we were both just too young (we are only in our early early twenties) to get more serious than we were; I was ready to try but I think she was scared. I know that she did truly love me, it wasn't puppy love because we had both said "I love you" in other relationships and no past relationship compared to this one for either of us. We broke up amicably and we both agreed that right now, it wasn't going to work but that if in the future we realized that happiness was with eachother then we wouldn't hesitate to try again. I know now though that I still want to be with her though and my trip made me realize that. I like Kristine but she's moving to the other side of the world in a few months (so there is no real emotional investment for me). I know that I love Ashley though, and even after 3 months those feelings are still here.
One last thing, I decided to initiate casual contact with her about a week ago when I returned from my trip. She told me before I left that she still wanted to see all my pictures and hear all the stories. I sent her a small text message stating that I was still alive and safely home from my trip. She responded with a longer one telling me all about her life right now but made no comment about other guys. I responded then saying things sound good with her and jokingly asked if she missed me. She responded very simply that yes she did, a lot. I ended the messages by saying that sometime soon we should get in touch and go out for a coffee, catch up on things; she agreed it would be a great idea. And I have left it at that, I haven't called or talked to her since. I've done some reading and talked to friends, everyone seems to say the same thing. Let her know that you are awesome without her, go and meet new people, and if she comes back to you then it shows she still cares and has realized what she gave up, and if she doesn't then maybe it wasn't meant to be. Or at least not for now. Things will work out the way they are supposed to in the end they say.
So Dan and Jennifer, there lies my problems. What do I do? Do I sound like I'm being logical? Is there a better way to go about getting her back or should I use my method of just waiting things out and letting her come back to me. I don't want to push her away by confessing my undying love but I also don't want to act so content with myself that I make her think there is no way I would ever want to be back with her. I also don't want to go and become friends and set myself into the "friend-zone" where she loses all ability to look at me romantically. Do you think she is still attracted to me, still interested, regretting her decision perhaps? I'm really mixed up on this one, I'm usually such a strong confident guy with a good plan of action in life. I've never been dumped before though, so this is something new for me. For the record I am not acting out of desperation here either, or some need to redeem my pride in my own eyes by getting her back. The fact is that I know I do love her, but that I don't NEED her. I just really WANT her. I could find other girls to be with easily, I just really loved being with her.
If you've made it through this long winded thread I applaud you, I apologize for it's tedious nature but I really wanted to get it all out there so people can give me honest, educated opinions. Thanks in advance to anyone who gives me some advice, ANYONE, it is appreciated greatly.
Sincerely,
Ray
(one really confused, heart broken guy)