Advice and Guidance Desperately Needed

in Love and Relationships » Cheating, Infidelity, and Affairs • 3 years ago

Dan and Jennifer,

I would very much like to ask for your help - I'm at a total loss :(

I've been in a relationship for 11 years, 4 of which I've been married. 3 years ago, my husband because very heavily involved in World of Warcraft. He is a working professional during the day, but when coming home, he'd play for many hours, 5-6 days a week. He lost interest in sex, which started to really hurt my feelings. He was not interested in any other female, but rather just the game which became quite consuming. It was never done in secret. He would continually apologize and say it was just for a few more days - but this was never the case. After speaking to some male friends and asking their advice, they suggested romantic weekends, wearing sexy lingerie, etc. - well, nothing worked. He started to become more "brotherly" than "husbandly". Over a 1yr period I repeatedly told him how much this hurt me, and how I was feeling rejected and asked if it was because I was not attractive to him anymore. He would get quite upset and profusely apologize, saying he didn't mean it and wasn't really sure why he was not sexually active anymore. He said he felt like he was going through some sort of mid-life crisis and the gaming provided him with relief (we are both 35).

Somewhere during this process, I started to disconnect emotionally. I started going to the gym to rebuild my self esteem, which I'd realized had become affected. I started becoming more social at work, and met someone. We became close friends, and I confided that I was no longer happy at home - I told him the entire story. He offered me advice on how to try to rekindle things with my husband, which also didn't work! We became closer and entered into a relationship. I made it clear to him that I was no longer happy at home and planned to move on. I very much fell in love with him and he has become an extremely important part of my life. After being together with this person several months, I told my husband that I was very unhappy and felt things were no longer working out, and that I wanted to move on.

Suddenly, my husband started to "snap out of it". He was very sorry over how he had been and promised to stop game playing. He tried very hard over several months to rekindle, repeatedly apologizing. But something had "gone" for me - I tried to reconnect, but something had changed. I no longer felt the same, though I do love him very deeply as a person and care very much about what happens to him.

I did not tell my husband about my other relationship. It would have devasted him, and I was sure I was moving on from the marriage and saw no reason to hurt him by telling him.

I then entered a horrible, horrible cycle of guilt. Though my feelings have changed for my husband, I find myself too guilt-ridden to move on. He breaks down every time I talk about leaving, and pleads with me to give us another chance, beating himself up continually about how his game playing caused this, and cannot bear the thought of losing "us." I'm frozen with guilt and unable to move on. This "guilt" has continued for 2 very, very long years. Meanwhile, my relationship with the other person has continued and become only stronger and stronger. He understands the situation is extremely difficult for me and that I have not yet moved on because of guilt. He feels I need to do what is right for me, and if it means giving him up, he would be heartbroken, but ultimately what is important to him is that I am happy.

I love this person very much, and want so much to be with him. He is kind, gentle, loving, completely dedicated to me, and has waited patiently for 2 yrs. My husband and I have not had a physical relationship for this 2 year period, but I love my husband platonically very much and cannot bear the thought of making him go through a divorce, financial split, etc. The guilt is absolutely unbearable. I've lost my ability to sleep, and I'm becoming extremely unhappy with myself. Yet I am totally paralysed with guilt at the effects a divorce will have on my husband, and at the marriage vows I've made and broken. Part of me prefers to stay in the marriage than bear the weight of the guilt. The other part of me is emotionally and physically unhappy in the marriage and will be heartbroken to lose the other relationship which has come to mean so much to me. The longer this continues, the more guilt that builds for the person that is waiting for me and for my husband.

Could you please offer some advice? Is this type of guilt common? What is the best way to constructively deal with this very destructive emotion? :confused:

Thank you very much.

Replies(4)

melody_br..

Time to lay out the cards

3 years ago

Ingrid
When your husband had an affair (with WOW) you stood by his side. He left you first. That is until you couldn't take it any more and had an affair yourself. You have both taken turns at leaving the relationship. You both have equal responsibility in what has transpired. Neither of you is to blame - but both have a part in this. And, you both are running from something. If you weren't you would have spoken your truth to your husband long before you started having an affair. You would have said "Its WOW or me" - but you didn't. Why? It says to me you were not ready to move your relationship deeper. Both of you have intimacy problems or this wouldn't have occurred. As much as you "love" your lover, you cannot possibly have real intimacy with him because you are married and your intimate connection is split. Both you and your husband are afraid of being close and afraid of being alone.

Your husband probably will not be surprised that you are having an affair. In fact it will probably validate what he already feels. But that doesn't mean he wont be wounded. You really cannot keep up this lie. Its not being nice to him in the long run and it's killing you.

If you are determined to go with this other man, the same issues will emerge with him that you have with your husband. Guaranteed. He may be a different person - but you are not. The issues will look a bit different - maybe it will be something other than WOW - but it will be something.

Once you make your move, whether you stay or leave, your pain will be great. Getting to real intimacy requires it. I'd suggest that either way, you find someone willing to help you sort through what happened in your marriage even if you don't stay in it. It may seem that it was just his addiction to WOW but I assure you there is more to it that involves you... not that you are to blame... but each of you had a part.

But you MUST tell him... and move to the next thing, whether it's therapy or divorce. You are not doing either of you any good. Oh, and please, have as much empathy for yourself for your affair as you have for his.

ingridmar..

WoW

3 years ago

Hi Melody,

Thank you very much for responding. Well, I actually did say, it's World of Warcraft or me. Repeatedly. We had many conversations where I gave him an ultimatum of choosing the game or his wife. I told him many times that I was unhappy and concerned that the game was becoming very addictive to him, and it had also seemed to shut me out of his life. I told him he needed to make the choice, and tried to get him to talk about why he felt compelled to play every night for several hours, and several hours ever saturday and sunday. He just kept saying he didn't know. I asked if we/he could talk to someone to find out why he couldn't stop playing and he became very defensive saying it wasn't a "problem." When I threatened to leave, he would then cycle back and forth, profusely apologizing - be ok for a few days, then fall right back into it.

At the time, my workload was pretty heavy. The thought of separation just seemed more than I could handle. I didn't have the courage to move forward with a separation. I would bring it up and he'd become very upset and emotional and not want to discuss it - I didn't have the emotional courage to move forward. I just hoped he would snap out of it, but became really lonely hoping that he would. After reading some support boards online, I discovered that WoW was just a phase for some husbands. At some point down the line though, my feelings changed and when he did snap out of it (well, for the most part - he still plays quite often), I realized I did not feel the same any more. I'm just so racked with guilt about it all now and feel very guilty that someone else has come to mean very much to me that I have a much deeper connection with. My husband falls apart every time I talk about filing for divorce. I just can't seem to get a handle on moving forward.

melody_br..

Moving forward

3 years ago

Ingrid
The easiest way to move forward is to start telling the truth. Tell him you are having an affair and that you want to leave, or tell him you want to go into therapy, but you cannot continue on. I know its painful, but as a person that has gone through two divorces I can tell you that it gets easier once its all out in the open. You'll be able to sleep again.

Whether or not its apparent, you both have intimacy issues. As I said before, changing husbands doesn't change you. "Wherever you go there you are" as they say. Figuring out your part in this is the most valuable thing you can do for yourself. Divorce wont change that.

Something will give in your health if you don't - you simply cannot continue like this.
Tell him, and do it without shame. Remember he left you first.

inlovewit..

Gather support from family and friends, and make the cut

3 years ago

Ingrid,

My advice is to be honest with your husband about how you feel, and simply tell him that though you love him very much, there is something fundamentally missing - that you are not longer "in love' with him.

I do not think you should tell him that you have had/are having an affair. Contrary to what a lot of people think and say, it is a devastating thing for the other person to hear and can seriously damage their self esteem, create feelings of inadequacy and a whole host of other issues. I have had two friends over the years that have experienced infidelity, and it has affected their subsequent relationships and caused mistrust. I don't see any reason at all to cause that kind of pain and hurt - you can share that your feelings have changed and that you are unable to find what you had in the beginning without bringing the third party into it. Separation is hard enough without that.

Let your husband know that you love him and care about him very much, but that you are very unhappy (and by the sounds of it, so is he). It's time to move on so that you can BOTH find happiness. Look at it this way: The longer you prevent him from moving on, the longer it will be before he can find someone who will fall in love with him and the longer it will be before you are at peace. Find the strength, ask for support from loved ones, and make that cut... Don't underestimate the power of support from friends and family. Within the U. S. statistics show a much higher incidence of clinical depression than other parts of the world such as Europe, with studies showing this is in large part due to the stronger support structure from family and friends that people have there as opposed to in the US.

Hang in there!