Ask Dan & Jennifer

Hello, Shawn: I'm a therapist and I work with client's who have Asperger's. It can be helpful to view it as a different way of seeing the world, rather than as a "disorder."

People with Asperger's tend to hyperfocus on particular areas of interest and many non-Asperger's people have difficulty with that. Generally, people with Asperger's date other people with Asperger's for that reason.

People with Asperger's who date often need a relationship "coach." People who don't have Asperger's tend to communicate much more by hints and body language than do people with Asperger's. The "disorder" part of Asperger's is that people with Asperger's don't pick up on those cues. When I have worked with young men with Asperger's who were dating, I often end up helping them "interpret" the other person's intentions and feelings from the cues. A counselor with training in Asperger's can help you learn to "read" other people's cues. Often, it's easier for people with Asperger's to date other people with that condition because you (people with Asperger's) don't rely on hints and non-verbal cues as much as non-Asperger's people. That makes it much easier for you to communicate with each other. Also, people with Asperger's experience emotions differently than others and that can make it hard for people who don't have the condition to relate. Again, people with Asperger's have much more in common with each other and often that works better. I have seen people with Asperger's acquire the level of social skills that are needed to date non-Asperer's people, however. It takes a lot of work and training in social skills to get them there.

Working with youth with Asperger's requires special knowledge and training. Make sure you find a counselor who knows how to work with ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorders). For example, I know that with young people with Asperger's that I can't imply things or state things directly. I often give people Asperger's very direct "this is what this means and this is what you need to do" statements, which I don't often do with other clients. Working with people with Asperger's requires a special set of skills. Interestingly, people with Asperger's tend to communicate very well on the internet, because that eliminates the non-verbal emotional cues. You need to find a good Asperger's support group, either in person or online. They can really give you good insight in how to proceed to get to where you want to be.

Best wishes. I'll be glad to help further, but you're going to need a real-life counselor to work with you on the social-skills and dating skills. Just make sure he or she knows about Asperger's.

Welcome to the forum. You will find a lot of very knowledgeable and helpful people here.

Well that rather direct lol. Yeah i have a harder time with things but that doesn't mean I cant succeed. I'm not the biggest fan of therapy and councelors due to my past all the programs and stuff when i was a kid created enough PTSD for me. I prefer to do things on my own for instance i bet you didn't know that im a homeowner! yeah you heard that right lol anyways what could i do to learn how to pick up on peoples body language. Also some self confidence and self esteem would go a long way for me too i always feel like i my life is full of emotional baggage too.

Sneaf98: You've undoubtedly had counselors who weren't trained in Asperger's. That's not a knock on them; that's just the reality. Most graduate schools don't cover the condition well. Obviously, they did something right if you've come this far.

No, I'm not surprised you're a homeowner. That's why I think "disorder" isn't a complete description of Asperger's. Just search "non-verbal communication" on amazon.com and you'll find great resources. Stay away from the "Pick-up Artist" or "Seduction" stuff.

Your ability to acquire information through study isn't limited at all by the Asperger's. That's why, I would recommend books and videos on social skills. Books like "The NonVerbal Advantage" can help a great deal. You'll be amazed at what's on Amazon.

Yes, I guess I was a little direct. That's the one thing I'll ever promise you; is that I'll shoot straight (tell you what I think). People with Asperger's do process emotional cues differently than the rest of us. That's just a reality. Things can't get better unless we're not afraid to say what's real. If that isn't the case, then the Asperger's diagnosis isn't correct.

My experience is that, with Asperger's, self-esteem/confidence is largely a matter of confidence with social skills. I'm not confident in my ability to drive a tractor-trailer; mainly because I haven't been trained. Is that how you feel in social situations? If so, I think you could benefit from work in social skills. Just because you've had bad experiences in the past doesn't mean that future ones can't be positive. Sometimes, it's just a matter of finding the right person.

Yeah i would like to learn the social skills needed to be successful the biggest problem though is that people when they hear about me being different they run away and that makes it hard when people don't even give you a chance I find the only people that really give me a chance are older adults around my parents age and thats just because they have grown wiser over the years and are more experienced so they are able to realize there is nothing wrong with being different.

Yeah, that's about where I am now. I've become much more accepting of, well everything that doesn't hurt people, over the years. I did hear the loneliness in your posts. Please let us know if we can help.

I appreciate your direct and honest feedback something thats hard to come by on the net usually it just ends up being people looking to hurt others for thier own happiness you know trolls and stuff of that sort. I'm quite surprised you picked up on that so easily the part about me being lonely that is. To be honest the bum down in the park probably has more friends then me lol my life has turned into a prove the DRs wrong and achieve stuff for the sake of saying i can do it, im not really living if you know what i mean. Ive gotten to there point where every day alittle bit more of me dies inside and the things i used to hyperfocus on im losing all interest in. :(

Snaef: I have some experience in this area.

If you continue the same actions, you will continue to get the same results. People usually come to see me when they get "stuck." They aren't progressing and they're not sure what to try next. I doubt you're going to be able to do what you want to do without a professional.

Go to EFT Home - World Center for EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) for a free ebook with diagrams.