B/F & I Want to Swing - but rules & personal issues?

in Sex and Intimacy » Swingers and Threesomes • 3 years ago

I am 41, my b/f is 42 - we have both been previously married and I am Bi. We have discussed and have agreed to swing as a couple. But I have a few concerns and I am wondering if they are valid. That said, perhaps I should also identify that my b/f doesn't have a problem staying detached or rather not getting attached to people, but I am what you would call and "emotionally-based" individual.

Some history:
In a past relationship, I had a partner who pushed me into swinging, and it eventually became one (there were several other reasons as well) of the things that caused me to end the relationship. But it was through this experience that I learned I was Bi. However, one of the issues which caused a problem was that my long-ago partner was more interested in threesomes because what he really wanted was to screw another woman he was attracted to and figured that a threesome was the way to have 'permission' to do it.

NOW & my concerns:
I know we will need to agree to some ground rules per what is okay and not okay, etc., but there are a couple of things that are still stuck in the back of my head, and I am not sure if they are valid concerns.

:confused:1. My b/f has no problem with having actual sex with another woman in a group situation and still have me as the primary partner he actually cares about. And he says that seeing me have intercourse with another man would only bother him "a bit". I'm guessing on this one that it is because he trusts me. BUT, I have a slight problem with imagining watching him have really good sex with another woman - I find it hard to think of him being with someone else and seeing all the same expressions and hearing all the same vocals coming from him, that normally happen when we are together privately - Basically, I am afraid that he would want to be with another woman more than he wants to be with me And I KNOW this stems from my previous relationship-swinging issue, but it hard for me to get past that fear. So... is my fear valid and even if so, and I know deep inside that he only cares about me, how do I get past this?

:confused:2. There are a couple of things that might bother me while we would be with another couple -
a) making out passionately - personally, I feel that this should be restricted (at least at first) to just him and I - I feel that making out passionately is a very intimate and personal thing between 2 people who love each other - When I broached this, he was angry because he didn't see any other way of initiating sexual 'play'. But I told him that it is usually the women who start that with each other (and in my experience, it is), and after that, he seemed 'okay' with it, but grudgingly so. So... am I off base on feeling that making out passionately should only be between him and I?:confused:
b) :mad:During our conversation about kissing, my b/f made asked whether the no kissing included tits and pussy and when he asked this, he was angry. This bothered me because my b/f doesn't like to give oral and very rarely does it for me. So, now I am wondering why it would be so important for him to be able to do this to another woman while we had a 4some. and it also made me wonder if he would prefer performing sensual kissing/sucking/licking actions with another woman over me. So... Am I off base on this worry?:confused:

I am just asking these things because overall, I don't have much of a problem with with swinging, with the exception of these things - My b/f and I have already discussed what may intimidate him, and I understand his reasons for that and have agreed to attempt to not have the thing that intimidates him happen. And for the same, my b/f knows that I am intimidated by overly attractive women (as I have scarring from cystic acne and am quite self-conscious of it) as well as super-skinny women (as I unfortunately put some excess weight on in my past marriage and am having trouble getting it off), so he has expressed his understanding of how I feel and has agreed not to try to push things towards couples where the woman is excessively good-looking and skinny - at least unless I was comfortable with it and it was my call.

So if possible, I would greatly appreciate some advice from some experienced and perhaps older couples out there who swing.

Thanks a Bunch!
Wolf-Raven

Replies(4)

overknight

You have it all covered!

3 years ago

You pretty much hit everything that needs to be addressed.

First, everybody agrees with talking. Talk until it is has no loose ends.

Your interests in a Bi-sexual partner is fine. But if there is any reluctancy on his part, you have a problem. I would suggest an experiment. If you can arrange a female partner for both of you, then go slow and be sure to focus on HIM first. Basically, give him a reason to enjoy it. I would imagine that he will have to rest for round 2 anyway. In the meantime you get to pleasure yourself, right?

However, if things aren't going so well, then stop. Call it, and go home. An experiment that goes wrong or right is fine. Just don't think it as a mistake. Learn from it and move on.

The kissing thing is a choice. I cannot see having sex and not have the urge to kiss the other participant. Is it emotional? Yes, of course it is. But, it is also the heat of things too. If you have self-control, then fine. Make the rules and stick by them. My wife and I have discussed this and agreed to it allow it, it would be hard otherwise not to.

The LOOKS factor.
Yes, there are beautiful people out there. Unfortunately, there are always better looking people than you or I. That may be the biggest thing to get over. On the male side, you have to deal with the idea of size, shape and endurance (Penis anyone?). On the female side things are almost identical, but you are looking at the appearance as well. How would feel if your boyfriend said that your new partner was "tighter" than you? It can (and will) happen. That is an attribute that doesn't even have anything to do with looks. Think of this, there are things another partner can do that we cannot.

That is kind of the point in a swinging relationship. I love my wife, but I know there are things that I cannot provide. Perhaps swinging is a way to do this.

Let me know what you think of these ideas.

OverKnight

wolf_raven

Re: B/F & I Want to Swing - but rules & personal issues?

3 years ago

Thank you for your response, OverKnight.

Well, there isn't a problem with me being Bi for either of us, so that will not be an issue :D Actually, he is looking forward to it and to being able to be included.

As for the kissing, I have found that aside from 1 on 1 'encounters' (in which case there is always passionate or rather 'lustful' kissing to start), that in group atmospheres including Bi women, that the kissing is usually mostly between the Bi women and the couples who are primary partners. That when is comes down to the guy or guys being intimate with the woman or women, that mostly, the kissing is 'body kissing' and exploration. That in the group atmosphere, the main 'attention' is given to the bodies. Sort of like, people don't usually kiss a lot during the actual act of intercourse unless they are seriously involved/committed to each other and then that kind of passionate kissing is a type of 'bonding' and showing their love of/for each other. I suppose this is why the 'making out' is an issue with me.

And as for the physical appearance thing, I know it will take me time to become comfortable and that I may never be comfortable having a flat belly-athletic-skinny woman as a participant if she is also gorgeous. I guess it is all going to depend on the reactions I see in my partner when we are considering a couple or single joining us if the woman is skinny with a super flat belly (and/or is athletic) plus really good looking, as well as how far I have come per my own body image and how he vocalizes his appreciation of my attractiveness to him and my body. Essentially, I see that as being key. Don't get me wrong on this, because admittedly, I find slimmer women with flat bellies and good looks very 'attractive' and there are a few out there that I would love to be with intimately. ;) However, I also find that women who look like that are rarely attracted to women with my type of body (average with a few extra), or who don't have that girl-next-door beauty.:(

I do know though, that going to separate rooms (i.e., the woman involved wanting my partner to be with her privately in another room), is always definitely going to be out-of-the-question. The idea of Swinging is for my partner and I to have sexual fun together with other participants. Not so we can go our separate ways and have liasons in private with other sexual partners. :eek:(Note to self: Bring that up in the 'talk' we have beforehand)

But, your response has definitely helped me put a couple of things into perspective. So thank you.

And just to share, I had a friend of mine talk to me about some of this and she said that their rule is that there is never any emotional involvement. She says that the swinging portion of their marriage is purely based on upfront-straight forward sexual pleasure and that her and her husband recognize that when they show 'attached' emotion, they only want to show it to each other. And that as soon as there is any inkling of anything resembling more than straightforward physical attraction between any of the participants, that they call everything off and they don't 'play' with those individuals again. That way, they don't risk bringing trouble to their relationship. And when she told me this, it made total sense to me. So I'm going to be adding her advice to the 'talking' my partner and I have to do.

I also agree with Dan and Jennifer's advice to talk both before the encounter AND right after (that night) the encounter. I think that by doing this, my partner and I will proactively circumvent having any problems occur or reoccur.

Thanks again!:D

And Dan and Jennifer, if you're able to drop me a response or any additional advice, I would greatly appreciate it. By the way, what I have seen of your taped sessions has been very helpful.

overknight

Good and Balanced

3 years ago

Well, it will be hard not to be attracted to someone in a sexual way. That's a hard thing to distinguish from. My wife and I have discussed the intimacy factor and kissing is allowed. Obvously, each couple is different, but our rules were first set that way. It is believed to be too hard to resist! :D

As for the emotional attachment, I think that too will be hard to avoid.

My wife has several friends that were playmates. The are still friends and she cares for them very much. I know they would like to swing with us. BUT... I don't know them that well. I believe it to be essential to get to know people before you see their naked ass. :)

I would like to form and maintain a circle of friends that can have a good time once and a while!

Good Luck!

OK

rachael559

Re: B/F & I Want to Swing - but rules & personal issues?

3 years ago

Originally posted by: OverKnight
You pretty much hit everything that needs to be addressed.

That is kind of the point in a swinging relationship. I love my wife, but I know there are things that I cannot provide. Perhaps swinging is a way to do this.

Let me know what you think of these ideas.

OverKnight

I wanted to add a couple of things to OverKnight's very positive response. It should be fun. Just relax ( which I KNOW is easier said than done ). Also if you are really upset about the kissing issue but it on hold for awhile, but I do agree it's very hard for me anyway to want to make love to anyone and not want to kiss them.

Lastly looks. Okay this is tricky and I'm going to say something which just soooo isn't meant to be mean, but as Overknight said, there will be women out there that are more attractive than you ( and men more attractive than he is ). If you are bi(( as I have learned I am but starting out lesbian and finally meeting a person who happens to be male that I've fallen in love with)) don't you to some degree want to make love to someone who is more attractive than you are? And I will say this, but whomever you choose as a couple to share with.... she has to be attractive enough that your sweety can.....preform.... We always said ( my partner and I ) we'd rather be with *6's* with tons of personality than with *10's* with none....but that *10's* with tons of personality were more than welcome too! Maybe what I'm also saying is don't be prejudiced in reverse and miss out on a really wonderful friend and lover just because She/He is more attractive than you thought they should be on some ideal-list or chart.... does that make sense?

Above all just go out and have fun for yourself, and even better try to really enjoy, I mean REALLY enjoy seeing your partner having fun for fun's sake too. I will say that my partner and I are poly, not just swingers, and that when I met the guy I fell in love with, she wasn't jealous, she was absolutely amused down to her toes at just how hard I'd fallen. In the moment when I knew just how amused she was, and how not jealous or upset she was, it was sooooo incredibly freeing for me, I hope you and your sweetie can give that to yourselves, each to the other. You don't have to fall in love, but you certainly can have tons and tons of fun. Just let yourself. And if there are things that you think will make you a little uncomfortable it's great to acknowledge those things, but after awhile, it's also really good to say, you know what, I don't need to let "xyz" worry me any more.
Hugs,
R