Ask Dan & Jennifer

Hi Josie.

Wow... Let's see If I can keep up... :-)

Just a tweak to your comment - "There are two sided to every story - and then there's the truth!" - From my experience, the truth normally lies somewhere in the middle of the two stories.

On the threesome, foursome thing, you are absolutely right. 'Swinging' is never a fix for a broken relationship and should only be added to an already strong one. Adding another person or couple to the mix will only accentuate any insecurities or negative feelings that may already exist. Having said that, if your relationship is strong, it can also accentuate the already existing passion and intimacy that you share. In my opinion, it will make whatever is there, stronger... Kind of like looking in a mirror...

You seem to be very mature emotionally and in tune with what's going on in your relationship - you're also right about his intimacy issues (at least in my unprofessional opinion). These issues can be resolves, but he has to want to resolve them and recognize that there is an issue. You can't 'fix' him unless he wants to be fixed...

If he is willing, it will probably take some counseling from a professional couples counselor - you both made need individual counseling as well, but I believe that the first step is couples counseling so that you can learn to better communicate about the issues without making the other one feel guilty or attacked.

Communication and honesty are the foundation of a strong relationship and that's where you have to start.

Hi Josie –

I agree with D&J’s advice 100%.

I hear that your significant other (SO) is coming up short in his willingness and ability to communicate with you effectively. You mention that you need a way to communicate with him that doesn’t push his buttons and defeat the purpose. I highly recommend the very excellent book, Non-Violent Communication (NVC), based on the concept of gently direct communication and authored Marshall Rosenberg. He also has a great website. NVC holds the keys to communicating clearly, kindly and compassionately so as to enhance the likelihood of resolving issues and making progress.

It would be even better if you and he were to read it and discuss it together, if you can persuade him to do so. Developing better self-awareness on his part and better communication between you is going to be essential for moving your relationship forward, whether you open it or not.

When the time is right, ask your SO in a non-threatening way what he wants to get out of adding another sex partner to your life, where he envisions it going as time passes, and what it means for the future of your and his relationships together.. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but this is still essential information regardless. Until you can both answer authentically, you aren’t ready to open the relationship. You and he both need to be very intentional about why you would do this and what the desired outcome would be as it impacts your life, both together and separately.

It troubles me that your SO hides behind the “just kidding” explanation when he says hurtful things to you. This is a big red flag and should be seen as such. It is a common strategy of emotionally abusive people, whether intentional or not. Regardless of what is fueling this behavior, you deserve better. If I were in your shoes I’d insist that if he wants your relationship to continue, he cuts this stuff out.

His expectation of oral sex while being unwilling to offer you the same pleasure is also problematic. It could be due to uncertainty as to whether he can please you in that way. Regardless, the only way to resolve that issue is for him to be open and direct with you and himself about why this is. Unless you are OK with foregoing oral sex, this can become an issue surrounded by resentment – not good.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your having a higher sex drive than he has. It’s OK to embrace your sexuality and take responsibility for your own orgasms, it’s the healthy thing to do. You are NOT a freak. Author Jenny Block in her new memoir, Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage, talks at length about how the difference in levels of sexual desire between herself and her husband – hers greater than his - had a lot to do with their decision to open their marriage, and they are making it work very well. Their example is an excellent one and worth following.

Many of us – myself included at one point in my life – come away from a divorce with a LOT of baggage. I used to facilitate support group discussions for people experiencing separation and divorce, and one of our most popular discussion topics was called “Achieving an Emotional Divorce.” Dealing with our baggage (which most often takes the form of resentment) and learning to let go was essential to moving on with our lives. It sounds like your SO has avoided dealing with his own baggage and so has dragged it into his relationship with you. Assuming I’m on the right track here, until he resolves it, he isn’t ready to make a real commitment to you and your relationship, much less proceed to an open one. In order for an open relationship to work for the two of you, commitment, demonstrated over time, is an essential aspect of making it work.

When a relationship is opened and the people involved experience the dynamics of it for the first time, many times, even with a casual sexual connection, the many strong feelings that often arise can take us by surprise. We don’t anticipate them because we’ve never been in this situation before and can’t know how we are going to feel once in the middle of it all, even if we think we do. We make such conclusions with our rational mind, but many a person have been taken by surprise by the fact that their feelings and their rational mind’s expectations are completely at odds, especially when it comes to jealousy.

This is quite true even for people who are good communicators and whose relationship is on solid ground. If you and/or he don’t have reasonably good self-awareness, self-esteem and communication skills as tools in your relationship toolbox, then instead of being able to deal with the unexpected feelings, resolve conflict they may well create, and come to an understanding between you upon which your relationship can be strengthened for the adventure ahead, things will likely get worse instead of better. At that point one of two things tend to happen. Either the couple decides that an open relationship is not a good idea for them, or the hard feelings escalate to a point where resentment rules the day. It is at this point that you are on very shaky ground – resentment is a relationship killer and absolutely must be resolved. Many people, especially those unwilling to do the emotional work necessary, see their relationship come to an end.

I strongly urge against opening your relationship until you and he have made fairly significant progress in resolving the communication issues and he has taken responsibility for becoming comfortable with and skilled at dealing with his feelings and sharing his authentic self with you. Without doing that, whenever conflict arises about opening your relationship, you will both be at a significant disadvantage in terms of being able to resolve the conflict. If he fails to step up and work with you on all this, then you have your answer as to whether adding another person to your sex life has much hope of being the positive experience you both hope it would be.

Your strength in all this is your awareness that your relationship isn’t ready for adding other people. No apologies! You are clearly a wise woman who isn’t blinded by love, and is mistress of her own fait. I applaud your awareness of the issues and the intentionality you bring to your assessment of your relationship with your SO as to whether it is right for you. Have confidence, you are on the right track.

As you continue to contemplate an open relationship, I strongly recommend that you do as you have done here and continue to seek support and advice from others who have walked this path. One good resource is the Loving More Lovelist, a yahoogroup with many wise people who are very generous with their feedback and advice. You can subscribe to that by sending e-mail to [email protected] It is just one of many such groups out on the internet. If you Google polyamory, you’ll find them. There may even be a realtime group in your area where you can meet other people and find community and support. You might search for polyamory on meetup.com – there are many gatherings of such folks there, maybe some in your neighborhood. Though my expertise centers around the polyamory community (polyamory being the desire and ability to love more than one person at a time openly and honestly), you can also find many forums on the internet focused on relationships in the context of swinging, i.e. recreational sex. That may be a better fit for you, only you can decide that. Swinging and polyamory are really a continuum of nonmonogamous lifestyle choices and behaviors, and since you and your SO don’t know where you are going with all this yet, I wanted to be sure you are aware of your options.

Good luck, and hang in there. As I like to say, polyamory ain’t for sissies!

Anita Wagner