Ask Dan & Jennifer

Dear Anniina,

First, to answer your last question "There's no such thing as a stupid question, right?" Answer... Yup. The only stupid thing would be to not ask the question in the first place and go away ignorant (unknowing). Always ask questions.

Now, on to the larger issue in your post...

A lot of folks have this particular problem. Our Western culture has caused us to focus on fear as a main reaction to almost everything. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of not being secure. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of not being accepted, etc.

Let me ask you a simple question... When you were a child, how did you learn to do anything? You learned to do things by trial and error. It was only by taking a chance and leaving yourself vulnerable to making a mistake that you eventually learned to make choices that brought you what you want. Example: If you never tried eating new foods, you could never learn what you really like to eat! It's all just a learning process... and it CAN BE just that simple.

So, what if you make the wrong choice? So what? What will the consequences be? Will you die? Will you dissolve into nothingness? Could you lose a friend? Lose some money? Get fired from your job? Piss someone off? So, in the context of living your whole life... what is there to be afraid of? Those are all just life lessons and there are no guarantees in life, so why not "Be Here Now In The Moment" and "go for it" rather than living in fear of the past or fear of the future? All you ever have is this moment... So what if your decision is not "perfect?" Guess what? Regardless of what you may think, perfection doesn't really exist... not really... so why waste your time, life and worry on it?

Of course, your parents, grandparents, siblings, teachers and earlier life lessons could have played an important part in programming you to live in fear. And guess, what? There's nothing you can do about that. But you CAN do something about YOU! You can change your mind! You can decide to "Take a Chance On Chance In Life" and live fully NOW! The only REAL mistake you can make is to make a choice that doesn't turn out the way you want it to and then to ignore the lesson!

All lessons are your blessing! By your choices, you learn what works and what doesn't work for you. That's your God-given gift of Free Will... to choose to live and love in your own way... by your own choices... by your own life experiences. This isn't about someone else and their idea about what's right or wrong for you. It's about you and your own life... your choices, your experiences and your joys and your sorrows. The rich tapestry of life has all of that for you, regardless! No one can save you or protect you from life's lessons because Life Happens!

Make your choice NOW to let go of your pain (fear) and to live your life knowing that you WILL make some choices that won't work out the way you intend. But from those, you will grow to make other new choices that will work out fantastically... and in the process you become smarter, more independent, more self-confident and... even really HAPPY! You can choose to end your emotional suffering by simply changing your mind. The choice is yours... the time is NOW!

Best of luck to you...

paul

Paul! I LOVE you answer so much!
I will get it translated and bring it to my students :-)
Thanks a lot!
Barbr

Do what successful people do and don't do what unsuccessful people do.

A successful person is someone who has achieved the result you want or avoided the problem you don't want.

In other words, be a copycat!

Fear is a" beast" that you "tame" based on your" positive, or negative choices in your life."

It's a fire that burns , because you never can have all the answers, you never can solve everything. There is always room for doubt. There is always time for you to "burn".

You tame the beast, which is known as fear by positive, negative choices of self awareness. You bring yourself into the picture, you plan ahead , or you imagine yourself in the setting . How you tender your image, how you focus yourself into that reality is what counts.Negative, or positive choices, are all part of life.

If you choose to hurt yourself, you'll have more fear of doing so. If you choose to stay the same, and never change, you'll fear changing.(negative)

If you choose to do something good in your life, and to ask a guy out, you'll be afraid. (positive)

The key to fear is moderation . Asking yourself day, by day, what can I do realistically to improve my life in moderation. You need to take one step at a time to find firm ground to plot your feet into.

The thing is though that you'll always be afraid, have doubt, so why not go (positive)?

Plan for positive, accept the negative, and find ways to make it positive . Fear is only human, you are human aren't you?

Well, you approach such a situation simply, just evaluate the pros and cons that you know of, or odds of such pros and cons to occur, and reach a firm conclusion based on these facts.

Even just buying a candy bar is like this, you weigh the pros of each candy bar to each other until you reach a conclusive choice that outweighs the rest. :)

I felt often the same way

until i got burned!!!

A man told me and i know it is hard but you have to do what feels best for you
no question is to syupid to ask but but you have to see what is best for you

sry for my bad english

How interesting that I came across this question this morning after waking up feeling angry about how much of a suppressed life I have been living due to other peoples influences over me in my life. I am now challenged with all those desires and passions within me that I want to express but the little voice in me says now be a good girl and don't upset anyone. How do you get past that? Is it all about confidence and self esteem? I know there have been times when I start to suceed and then pull back, it's like a yoyo effect.

"Winners are those people who make a habit of doing what losers aren't willing to do."

i'd say fake it till you make it...i have similar issues, and I try visualization, which means I try to picture myself as confident, strong, comfortable with myself, and I feel that way when I do that, and I believe the more you do the more your brain will learn to think that way. Keep telling yourself that you are and believe it, then act on it. Sounds like a pop-psychology advice but I think it works, at least for me.

I used to visualize before hockey/soccer games and see myself as the best, picture myself doing some amazing tricks and scoring some goals, and my game honestly got so much better. Professional athletes visualize before their competitions, and you can do that for everything. I visualize about good dates and see myself being funny, smart, confident, and go over it in my head, and then when i get there I am "pumped" in a way and ready to go.

Try it

Sergei29

Do you know what the majority of fear is? False Evidence Appearing Real. It is human nature to over exagerate everything, but we only learn from our experiences. i was in a three year relationship, I've got a lesbian mother, just tracked my dad down this feb who id never met until then, been to drug rehab, became a christian, witnessed to tons of people, and have a business running a dog kennel. And im only 20!! Im off to a happy start, ive gotten a taste of a little bit of everything so far. Somethings were out of my control, but ive discovered there is always to turn my neagatives into a positive in someway, even if its in the "lesson learned" catagory. Here is something fun just to try out. One time a day, do something that takes you outside of your comfort zone, wether its saying something nice to a stranger, telling a friend what they need instead of what they want to hear, or just making a new friend. Start out with the small things and slowly work your way up. Just try it for a week, and i promise you'll be amazed at some of the confidence it can bring.

What you decide is neither here nor there.

What is more important is the reason WHY you are making that decision.

Think about it like this. If you look back in your life and think about most of the decisions you have made in your life .. are they based out of fear, comfort, expansion or desperation?

And if all your decisions were based on the same thing ... then don't you think this would reflect in the quality of life you have and the kind of self esteem you have?

So when you are on a date and can't decide where to take her ... then ask yourself why is it that you are confused? What are u really afraid of? Do you want to take her to the movies because its the safe option. Or do you really want to take her someone special because you feel like you need her approval of what a great date it was.

So once you identify the cause of the reason behind each decision, then the actual decision itself is irrelevant.

It also means that when you are making a decision .. one out of fear and the other out of fun ... you can choose the decision that you made because it was fun .. and WIN the game .. before you even get any feedback!