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We met through a friend while we were both going through divorces (his being much worse than mine) and I seem to have fallen in love with a man that is not past the grieving process of losing his "family" life and seeing his kids only part time. I am unsure if I am being delusional in staying with him or if I stay and support him and take a chance that I might end up happy.
I do believe that he did not intentionally get into this relationship knowing he was not over his divorce…I believe that he was in denial and deceived himself into thinking that he was ready. Our first trip was very different, and he acted very different. Easy to get along with, happy, paid attention to me and the things I had to say.
Since that trip, months passed and then another trip was scheduled, this one not having an end date as he requested so I could see his day-to-day life and to see if things between us would work as we both thought. The first one to two weeks was exciting and horrifying for me. He seemed extremely distant, unaffectionate. I finally starting learning things about him since his separation that I did not know. Details about not working, closing himself off emotionally, the angst of not being with his kids 24/7 and him explaining to me that he feels numb inside and although he says he loves me, is incapable of actually feeling it for me (confuses me a little on that part, but I think it goes along with the not being able to show affection part).
At some point on this trip, I got past the “why can’t you show affection” stage and began to understand the things that he had told me and could see from his behavior what he meant.
I tried to back off, not be so needy and just help around the house with dinner and chores and reminding him of tasks he might normally forget. I was doing this in the beginning but was expecting that since I did those things it would free up his time, and that this allowed that time to be spent with or on me. When he wasn’t able to reciprocate that, I felt ignored and he felt guilty that he couldn’t do that. For the remaining weeks the things I did, I did without expecting a result. Mostly cooking dinner and doing dishes so he wouldn’t have to, or that food was ready when the kids showed up since they seemed to usually be hungry shortly after they arrived. By me doing these things, it allowed him to spend more time with them…I did not expect him to spend that on me anymore. Once I took out the expectations from what I was doing, I was still happy to do them knowing it helped ease his responsibilities and no longer felt frustrated that I didn’t get anything in return. He would tell me he appreciated it and that was enough for me.
I have to say, meeting the kids was the highlight. I absolutely adore those two boys and can easily understand why he is not only so proud of them but wants to be with them every day. They are so much fun to be around and they do bring out the best in him. I am amazed at how quickly they became comfortable with me, and still am every time one of them curls up with me while watching television. I often do wonder though…watching him see the kids come to me, does that make him jealous? Does he feel that I am dividing the attention they give and taking it away from him? It is not my intention but I suspect that may bother him as well, since his time with them is limited.
The one thing his emotional barrier did not destroy was his ability to show affection towards the kids. Although I must admit, watching him with them has sometimes brought me to tears…having to watch him be so loving and affectionate knowing that it will not or can not be expressed towards me. I often think, if he’s capable of it with them, why can’t he be capable of it with me? Because the children are not the ones that betrayed him and altered his life. She did. The wall was built to try to protect him of the hurt she caused, the changes she instigated, the life she took away from him. This directly relates to how he views and reacts to a relationship, a lover, another woman. I am not that person, but I represent the opposite sex and think on some level his ability to trust a woman has been faltered through her actions.
He previously mentioned about talking to the kids’ therapist once before and for some reason it didn’t work out, but he agreed to talk to someone again. The next day I found someone that was available. In my mind, this was to help him…I never saw this as a route to evaluating and/or fixing what was lacking in our relationship. How he has progressed since the divorce and how he interacts with me says a lot about what stage he is currently at in the grieving process, and the therapist agrees that a meeting with me before I leave could be beneficial as an outsider’s perspective. He is okay with this, so I schedule a meeting with the therapist.
I meet with the therapist on a Thursday before we are scheduled to take the kids to his parents for the weekend. He asks a lot of good questions, not only about him but also about me. I try to cover everything I can think of that might need to be addressed from my perspective.
Weekend comes and we pack and head to his parents with the kids. We spent the weekend playing with the kids, I helped in the kitchen a lot (my favorite place) and got to know his parents. I do feel that there was a comparison on their part from small comments that we made to me. For example, while helping his mom in the kitchen, she commented how much she appreciated having the help but then went on to explain a previous situation with his ex, about her asking the ex about cooking and the ex’s response expressed lacking any desire to cook or to learn and outright refused. I can understand that his parents have only known him to be with one woman for a long period of time and having a new woman there made the comparison justifiable (and a little expected on my part, I imagine I would do the same).
The next day we pack up to leave. I thank his parents for inviting me into their home and tell them what a wonderful time I had. I had gotten them a house warming gift since they just finished building a new house and I left it wrapped on the kitchen counter along with a letter I wrote to them. The letter was more of the same sentiment of appreciation, as well as me telling them how important Brian is to me and how fortunate I felt to have been able to spend time with his friends and family on this visit.
The kids come on Tuesday and I prepare dinner and dessert. After dinner, I had picked up movies for them to watch. We watch the first movie, and as it ends I feel this wave of sadness just overtake me. I realize that not only am I leaving tomorrow, but actually hurt at the idea of not seeing the kids. I must admit that I am amazed at their attachment to me, yet it seems my own attachment is just as close as theirs. It’s late so I start packing.
The next morning comes early, as my flight requires me to be at the airport at 6:00 am, leaving us with a 4:30 departure from home.
That afternoon he calls me on his way to the therapist. He calls me after the appointment. He says that it helped him realize he can’t work out any of the issues he has because of all the “battles” going on around him (work, kids, me, etc). I think that this does make sense because he rarely does have any free time. He then tells me that we need to start from scratch, possibly the very beginning and only as friends to start. He asks me if I’m willing to do this. I tell him I’m willing to do whatever it takes.
I call the therapist because I wanted to explain some of the things I have realized that might be helpful…he tells me Brian is in a point where he has not fully grieved and begun to get past the pain of the divorce and all that comes with it. He needs time to process this without the pressure of the relationship with me. The therapist tells me that we need time apart. Brian didn’t mention anything about time apart, just about starting over as friends. Did he agree? Is he waiting to tell me something, or is this just the therapist’s opinion? I am supposed to return in the beginning of December and he mentioned me going with him to see the therapist when I return, so I don’t interpret that as time apart.
He says he doesn’t want to lose me or our relationship, that it is just going to take some time if it can ever be, well, I guess “normal”. I question if that is even possible…but am in love with him and would hope that if someone felt the way about me that I feel about him, they wouldn’t give up on me.
next day
I check my email and see one from Southwest. They are having a sale on fares and it is cheaper than any of my previous flights, unbelievably cheaper. I pick a flight on a Saturday in December and book it. This may be presumptuous on my part, but he hasn’t told me that I would not come back up as planned, so the flight is scheduled. I guess if things fall apart and become the worst case scenario I can change the date or go elsewhere.
He calls me this morning and through the conversation I tell him about the flight. No resistance displayed on his part so I assume we will discuss how we will handle this at some point. It would be easier on me so I will know what to expect and what is expected from me so whatever we do going forward is going to best help him. He gets a call from work and has to go.
I do believe that he did not intentionally get into this relationship knowing he was not over his divorce…I believe that he was in denial and deceived himself into thinking that he was ready. Our first trip was very different, and he acted very different. Easy to get along with, happy, paid attention to me and the things I had to say.
Since that trip, months passed and then another trip was scheduled, this one not having an end date as he requested so I could see his day-to-day life and to see if things between us would work as we both thought. The first one to two weeks was exciting and horrifying for me. He seemed extremely distant, unaffectionate. I finally starting learning things about him since his separation that I did not know. Details about not working, closing himself off emotionally, the angst of not being with his kids 24/7 and him explaining to me that he feels numb inside and although he says he loves me, is incapable of actually feeling it for me (confuses me a little on that part, but I think it goes along with the not being able to show affection part).
At some point on this trip, I got past the “why can’t you show affection” stage and began to understand the things that he had told me and could see from his behavior what he meant.
I tried to back off, not be so needy and just help around the house with dinner and chores and reminding him of tasks he might normally forget. I was doing this in the beginning but was expecting that since I did those things it would free up his time, and that this allowed that time to be spent with or on me. When he wasn’t able to reciprocate that, I felt ignored and he felt guilty that he couldn’t do that. For the remaining weeks the things I did, I did without expecting a result. Mostly cooking dinner and doing dishes so he wouldn’t have to, or that food was ready when the kids showed up since they seemed to usually be hungry shortly after they arrived. By me doing these things, it allowed him to spend more time with them…I did not expect him to spend that on me anymore. Once I took out the expectations from what I was doing, I was still happy to do them knowing it helped ease his responsibilities and no longer felt frustrated that I didn’t get anything in return. He would tell me he appreciated it and that was enough for me.
I have to say, meeting the kids was the highlight. I absolutely adore those two boys and can easily understand why he is not only so proud of them but wants to be with them every day. They are so much fun to be around and they do bring out the best in him. I am amazed at how quickly they became comfortable with me, and still am every time one of them curls up with me while watching television. I often do wonder though…watching him see the kids come to me, does that make him jealous? Does he feel that I am dividing the attention they give and taking it away from him? It is not my intention but I suspect that may bother him as well, since his time with them is limited.
The one thing his emotional barrier did not destroy was his ability to show affection towards the kids. Although I must admit, watching him with them has sometimes brought me to tears…having to watch him be so loving and affectionate knowing that it will not or can not be expressed towards me. I often think, if he’s capable of it with them, why can’t he be capable of it with me? Because the children are not the ones that betrayed him and altered his life. She did. The wall was built to try to protect him of the hurt she caused, the changes she instigated, the life she took away from him. This directly relates to how he views and reacts to a relationship, a lover, another woman. I am not that person, but I represent the opposite sex and think on some level his ability to trust a woman has been faltered through her actions.
He previously mentioned about talking to the kids’ therapist once before and for some reason it didn’t work out, but he agreed to talk to someone again. The next day I found someone that was available. In my mind, this was to help him…I never saw this as a route to evaluating and/or fixing what was lacking in our relationship. How he has progressed since the divorce and how he interacts with me says a lot about what stage he is currently at in the grieving process, and the therapist agrees that a meeting with me before I leave could be beneficial as an outsider’s perspective. He is okay with this, so I schedule a meeting with the therapist.
I meet with the therapist on a Thursday before we are scheduled to take the kids to his parents for the weekend. He asks a lot of good questions, not only about him but also about me. I try to cover everything I can think of that might need to be addressed from my perspective.
Weekend comes and we pack and head to his parents with the kids. We spent the weekend playing with the kids, I helped in the kitchen a lot (my favorite place) and got to know his parents. I do feel that there was a comparison on their part from small comments that we made to me. For example, while helping his mom in the kitchen, she commented how much she appreciated having the help but then went on to explain a previous situation with his ex, about her asking the ex about cooking and the ex’s response expressed lacking any desire to cook or to learn and outright refused. I can understand that his parents have only known him to be with one woman for a long period of time and having a new woman there made the comparison justifiable (and a little expected on my part, I imagine I would do the same).
The next day we pack up to leave. I thank his parents for inviting me into their home and tell them what a wonderful time I had. I had gotten them a house warming gift since they just finished building a new house and I left it wrapped on the kitchen counter along with a letter I wrote to them. The letter was more of the same sentiment of appreciation, as well as me telling them how important Brian is to me and how fortunate I felt to have been able to spend time with his friends and family on this visit.
The kids come on Tuesday and I prepare dinner and dessert. After dinner, I had picked up movies for them to watch. We watch the first movie, and as it ends I feel this wave of sadness just overtake me. I realize that not only am I leaving tomorrow, but actually hurt at the idea of not seeing the kids. I must admit that I am amazed at their attachment to me, yet it seems my own attachment is just as close as theirs. It’s late so I start packing.
The next morning comes early, as my flight requires me to be at the airport at 6:00 am, leaving us with a 4:30 departure from home.
That afternoon he calls me on his way to the therapist. He calls me after the appointment. He says that it helped him realize he can’t work out any of the issues he has because of all the “battles” going on around him (work, kids, me, etc). I think that this does make sense because he rarely does have any free time. He then tells me that we need to start from scratch, possibly the very beginning and only as friends to start. He asks me if I’m willing to do this. I tell him I’m willing to do whatever it takes.
I call the therapist because I wanted to explain some of the things I have realized that might be helpful…he tells me Brian is in a point where he has not fully grieved and begun to get past the pain of the divorce and all that comes with it. He needs time to process this without the pressure of the relationship with me. The therapist tells me that we need time apart. Brian didn’t mention anything about time apart, just about starting over as friends. Did he agree? Is he waiting to tell me something, or is this just the therapist’s opinion? I am supposed to return in the beginning of December and he mentioned me going with him to see the therapist when I return, so I don’t interpret that as time apart.
He says he doesn’t want to lose me or our relationship, that it is just going to take some time if it can ever be, well, I guess “normal”. I question if that is even possible…but am in love with him and would hope that if someone felt the way about me that I feel about him, they wouldn’t give up on me.
next day
I check my email and see one from Southwest. They are having a sale on fares and it is cheaper than any of my previous flights, unbelievably cheaper. I pick a flight on a Saturday in December and book it. This may be presumptuous on my part, but he hasn’t told me that I would not come back up as planned, so the flight is scheduled. I guess if things fall apart and become the worst case scenario I can change the date or go elsewhere.
He calls me this morning and through the conversation I tell him about the flight. No resistance displayed on his part so I assume we will discuss how we will handle this at some point. It would be easier on me so I will know what to expect and what is expected from me so whatever we do going forward is going to best help him. He gets a call from work and has to go.
