Ask Dan & Jennifer

Hi GeekyJen!

I'm so sorry things are happening this way. I know how painful it is. But here is the deal. NO there is nothing "wrong with you". What you have is a guy who is terrified of intimacy. When we are afraid, but we don't want to face it, we make things up to explain our fear.

What do you know about his history that could explain his being so afraid of intimacy? I had a girlfriend who married a guy who treated her really well and they got very close very fast. They even got married. Suddenly he became a total jerk, verbally berating her, slamming things around and finding fault in everything she did. She threw him out. She talked to me later - after they were divorced - and it became clear the guy was ashamed of his inability to have an erection so he pushed her away. But his pushing you away can happen for a thousand different reasons... none of them being about you having something "wrong with you".

Moving someplace to be with friends is a great idea. But before you get involved with someone else its important to examine why you picked someone so afraid of intimacy. You see, I was sure my ex husband was the only one of us with intimacy problems because his were so much more obvious. You may have subtle ways of pushing him away, too. One of which may be not hearing how afraid he is! Men sometimes cannot express their fear because in our society men are supposed to be strong and have it all together. Would it change how you see him if you could see that under his confident, strong exterior he is really a frightened little kid? Perhaps not, but he may, without even realizing it, fear it.
Maybe you can explore why it is so hard for you to see his anger as anything resembling pain or fear. Are you fearful of him seeing your pain, fear or anger? Do you show him? Women can be afraid to show their real self for fear of rejection, too. Exploring all these things can help you discover why you fell for someone so afraid himself. We pick people who are where we are, emotionally.

Before you leave you might try sitting down with him - as a friend- and asking him what "dying a thousand deaths by paper cuts" means and see if you can help him find words to describe what he is feeling. Be curious about his feelings- having accepted you are leaving- but wanting to help yourself (and him) understand what is happening inside. He may become really angry and push you away even more. Then you have clear information that he is terrified of you really seeing him. Let him know how sad that makes you, without blaming him. See if he can say anything about why that is so scary for him.

Moving your friendship deeper may be too frightening for both of you. You can't do anything about him if he is unwilling to let you in. But you can work on discovering what you are afraid of his seeing. I was afraid of my partner seeing me because I feared they could not love me if they did based on my parents rejection of my anger. But for you it's likely something else entirely.

Let me know how it goes.