Definition Of Cheating? Girls Answers More Appreciated!

in Love and Relationships » Cheating, Infidelity, and Affairs • 2 years ago

Last year i went away for 2 weeks to Portugal with my dad to see his family, and during that time my girlfriend attended a festival which we hold once every year called JerseyLive..

However, whilst i was away on holiday, my girlfriend drank abit too much and ended up getting off and feeling up one of her best mates at that time in a dance tent!! :mad:

When she told me about this the next day, i was deeply upset and it ruined my holiday all together as i was too depressed to do much more :(

We are still together up till now, but trust has become a very crucial factor in our relationship, and we argue alot, mostly about what she did that time at JerseyLive since i cannot get it out of my head and i am confused on what to do.

I think with her getting off with one of her best mates and feeling him up while i was away is cheating on me but she thinks you can barely even call it cheating since she thinks its JUST getting off with someone and its no big deal,but how would she like it if i did it to her instead, it would be a completely different ball game, so i wanted to get other peoples opinions on this problem were having and get it cleared up once and for all. Also, she has been using the excuse that she drank too much, but to me i feel like being drunk is no excuse what so ever for doing something so stupid and its just girls way of easily getting the guy to forgive them! .. blaming drink for there own actions which they clearly know what they were doing otherwise they wouldn't of done it in the first place and end up remembering what happened sooner or later! :confused:

Is her getting off with another guy while i was away cheating or not?!

Any extra advice you can put forward would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Replies(7)

Xero

Re: Definition Of Cheating? Girls Answers More Appreciated!

2 years ago

This is my personal stance on it. It was cheating with a technicality.

If she was able to control her drinking and not being wasted, this would not have happened. So she is partly to blame. But since you are still together you must accept and understand that it happened, and that it was a clear mistake.

I personally think you should ask her not to get as wasted in the future just to respect your wishes in what happened. Unless you are with her at the time then things would be OK. (this is if you ask me) You both have to be understanding of what happened in this mess.

You must understand what happened and it cannot be changed and move on from it. That means never bringing up again in a fight. It can be brought up in a non-hostile environment, but if it escalates to an argument you must drop the subject because this is not the way to communicate and solve the problem. I think you should discuss this idea with her about the possibility of a drinking rule, and the argument vs talking about it rule.

CallMeCur..

It is, but...

2 years ago

Cheating is being sexually unfaithful (according to my mac's dictionary). Going off with another guy (drunk or not) is cheating in my book, whether or not anything happened...it sounds like the intention was there, and claiming drinking as an excuse only makes it worse.

That being said, you must consider the facts. She might have gotten off with someone else, but she told you immediately instead of hiding it. To me, that says what happened bothered her enough that telling you was a must--she made a mistake, and by telling you she hoped to somehow rectify it. Like Xero said, it happened, it's now in the past. I know it is hard to trust someone who cheated (or at least had the intention of, it seems) but if you really like her, you will have to start rebuilding that trust. Just be careful, event will play themselves out one way or another, though hopefully in your favor this time.

And while drinking might have had major influence on what happened, I don't think asking her to not get so wasted will work...if anything, it might encourage her to drink more, which would only open the door to trouble.

Let us know how things work out!

Xero

Re: Definition Of Cheating? Girls Answers More Appreciated!

2 years ago

Originally posted by: CallMeCurious
Cheating is being sexually unfaithful (according to my mac's dictionary). Going off with another guy (drunk or not) is cheating in my book, whether or not anything happened...it sounds like the intention was there, and claiming drinking as an excuse only makes it worse.

My 2cents on cheating

Cheating is defined by every couple differently. Such as swinging is ok for some couples but would be cheating in others, even then swinging has its own rules. According to that dictionary my perception of cheating is very different.

CallMeCur..

Re: Definition Of Cheating? Girls Answers More Appreciated!

2 years ago

I should be more specific...
I don't count swinging as cheating, you are involving your partner and therefore it's okay. It's what you wouldn't want the other person to know about that draws the line, in my opinion.

So, in dannyboy's case, it's hard to make judgement w/o really knowing what happened. It sounds like she went off with another guy...but what did they do? Flirting isn't cheating, but I assume it was more...case in point, it's that "more" that constitutes as cheating. Yet she told him, which turns my previous statement (cheating is whatever you wouldn't want your partner to know) into a fallacy. So it can be deciphered in many ways...

oksoitsjen

Re: Definition Of Cheating? Girls Answers More Appreciated!

2 years ago

To me cheating is any type of intimacy with another person...even if its just long phone conversations...when you are in a relationship you know what is acceptable and what isnt...would she be ok with you feeling up some girl?? of course not...what she did was wrong. period.

pinky_dan..

What YOU think is what matters!

1 year ago

As a girl, I think that doing anything she wouldn't have been comfortable doing in front of you constitutes cheating, but really what it comes down to is whether you think it's cheating or not. Alcohol, drugs, or any other "compromising" conditions is no excuse, because if there is any chance that it could lead to something, she should have avoided the alcohol/drug/whatever in the first place. It's about avoiding the situation, in order to avoid the action.

But some couples define cheating as any kind of private contact (physical or otherwise) with a member of your preferred gender, while some couples define cheating as penetration, while other couples define cheating as seeing more than one person within the same area code. Some people are more comfortable with some things than others, and what matters in your relationship is what the two of you agree on.

She needs to respect that what she did hurt you, and even if she didn't previously know that it would, she should still be able to apologize, if not for the action, than for the pain she caused you. If you haven't already done so, this should prompt an open and honest discussion about precisely where you both draw your lines. You need to clearly define the lines that she's not allowed to cross, and she needs to clearly define the lines that you're not allowed to cross, and then you both need to openly and honestly discuss what it is each of you agree or disagree about pertaining to all of it, and come to a mutual understanding so there is no room for any future "you cheated on me," "no I didn't"s.

kettlekor..

Re: Definition Of Cheating? Girls Answers More Appreciated!

1 year ago

Are you able to forgive her? and if so, what does she need to do so that you forgive her and can move on in the relationship?

Seems like you two had different expectations and definitions of cheating, and that is what led to you getting hurt. You two need to discuss what is okay and what is not okay in the future. Agree on limits.