Ask Dan & Jennifer

Books are written from a point of view and don't represent universal experience. Basically, what that says is that the author's fantasies tend to be about domination. Many men, myself included, fantasize about tender moments more than dominant situations. Your fantasies are completely normal and healthy. Get another book.

I sway from both.

(still a virgin)

Yet I believe in domination and romanticizing. Changing things up in the proper setting would be my argument. The same thing every time is dull.

Originally posted by: RLT
I read recently in a book about human sexuality that men's sexual fantasies tend to be more explicit and have the man taking a dominant role in the fantasy while women's fantasies tend to involve romance and affection.

Apparently, the porn industry seems to believe this. Most of the porn I have seen involves men conquering and dominating women.

Originally posted by: RLT

I was sort of surprised when I read that because I am a heterosexual man and I honestly think I am more like a woman in this way because most of my fantasies tend to be more about romance and affection. Are many other men like me?

While I haven't done too much research on this subject, my opinion is that most normal people, men or women, tend to have both types of fantasies. Personally, I have fantasies about Prince Charming and Knight in Shining Armor, as well as those involving raping an annoying co-worker and being an Olympic team coach selecting team members by the casting couch method. :D

I hope you never act out your rape fantasy...

Originally posted by: RLT
I hope you never act out your rape fantasy...

What's wrong with having a rape fantasy? Somebody here actually said that one of his fantasies is to be raped by a hot woman. And I'll be honest, it's one of my fantasies too.

What I mean is I hope that Snow White does not actually act out their fantasy and rape someone.

Originally posted by: RLT
I hope you never act out your rape fantasy...

I already have, with my former BF. I snuck up on him, tackled him, threw him down on the ground, pinned him and told him I wanted to rape him. He instantly became erect and told me to go ahead. He enjoyed it very much. :p

As for Annoying Co-Worker, I told him about it (I actually had a dream about it), and he LHAO because this just reinforced his delusion of grandeur that he is the world's greatest lover and no woman can resist him! :rolleyes:

Originally posted by: RLT
What I mean is I hope that Snow White does not actually act out their fantasy and rape someone.

I would never actually rape someone, the fantasy is just pretending to do it and dominating the guy, just like men have fantasies about dominating women. Though I do know one guy it has happened to, it is rather difficult for a woman to actually rape a man. If he does not want it to happen, all he has to do is "limp out" and that is the end of it. (Are you okay with my other domination fantasy, the experienced older woman seducing the young virgin guy? of legal age, of course.)

Originally posted by: Nova
What's wrong with having a rape fantasy? Somebody here actually said that one of his fantasies is to be raped by a hot woman. And I'll be honest, it's one of my fantasies too.

Here is a story a female friend told me: She and another girl were having fantasies about raping a guy. They had overheard a guy they knew say he had fantasies about being raped by women, so they decided to do it. They asked him if he wanted to have a threesome with them, he said "sure" and away they went. They were all fooling around, naked, aroused, etc. when he said, "Which one of you ladies wants to go first?" They said, "We don't want to seduce you, you want to rape you." Then they began to pin him down and tie him up. His reaction was not what they had expected: "WTF? Are you kidding? No way!!" At first they thought he was just playing along, but he contined to struggle, telling them to stop, etc. It wasn't until he actually started to cry that they realized what was happening and let him go.

So every time I hear or see a guy stating he would liked to be raped by a woman, I remember this story and think "No, he doesn't!"

What you're describing is actually very healthy role play. I appreciate your cautionary tale about being sure that everyone is one the same page. A fantasy like this can go horribly wrong if everyone isn't communicating. (I'm a psychologist, so I have a license to say this.) I have absolutely no problem with how you and he are expressing yourselves.

Originally posted by: Snow White
Here is a story a female friend told me: She and another girl were having fantasies about raping a guy. They had overheard a guy they knew say he had fantasies about being raped by women, so they decided to do it. They asked him if he wanted to have a threesome with them, he said "sure" and away they went. They were all fooling around, naked, aroused, etc. when he said, "Which one of you ladies wants to go first?" They said, "We don't want to seduce you, you want to rape you." Then they began to pin him down and tie him up. His reaction was not what they had expected: "WTF? Are you kidding? No way!!" At first they thought he was just playing along, but he contined to struggle, telling them to stop, etc. It wasn't until he actually started to cry that they realized what was happening and let him go.

So every time I hear or see a guy stating he would liked to be raped by a woman, I remember this story and think "No, he doesn't!"

That sounds like a very unusual story to me. Most guys would love to be in a situation with two women at the same time. And the fact that these two actually came first to fulfill his desires? Any guy (well I guess any straight guy) would feel like he's in heaven. And then he starts crying? I don't get it.

Well, to each his own I guess. My fantasy still stands!

Haha ok good, as long as it's in good fun and no one is actually being raped. Now that I think about it I think I would probably like to be dominated by a woman as well.;) And I don't have a problem with Snow White's older woman seeking a younger man role play either.

Role playing would be fantastic! The thought having to act out your fantasies? Who wouldn't be up for that? Now if I can just find a woman to role play with.....then I would be happy!

Originally posted by: Nova
That sounds like a very unusual story to me. Most guys would love to be in a situation with two women at the same time. And the fact that these two actually came first to fulfill his desires? Any guy (well I guess any straight guy) would feel like he's in heaven. And then he starts crying? I don't get it.

The problem here is that the fantasies were in conflict with each other. The guy was thinking he was going to just lie back, relax and enjoy while the two girls took turns riding him. The girls were going for something more realistic. They pinned him down and tied him up. They were physically and verbally abusive to him. They did not stop when he asked them to. He was in a position where he was physically uncomfortable, unable to move, feeling helpless, humiliated and ultimately scared. That is not what he signed up for!

On a larger scale, men really do not understand rape unless they experience it themselves. That is why they make thoughtless comments about it that infuriate women, like: "If rape is inevitable, just relax and enjoy it." and "If it wasn't for rape, the human race would have died out ages ago."

There is nothing more heart-wrenching than seeing rape victims being brought into the ER. One of these was a guy. I can't tell you his story because of patient confidentiality issues, but rest assured that he was just as traumatized as a girl would be and he was crying.

A male friend of mine was raped. I found out about it when I unknowingly tried to do something to him in bed that the rapist had done and he freaked out. He then told me about it, said he had never told anyone else before and was obviously still upset about it even though it had happened years ago. I also heard a story on the radio about a musician in the 1970s who had been raped back then and was just admitting it for the first time now.

So while it may be fun to pretend and role-play, the real thing is just as much of a nightmare for a male as for a female and this is what most men don't understand.

Originally posted by: Nova
Well, to each his own I guess. My fantasy still stands!

Too bad I'm not "tech-savy" enough to create an avatar to send to you to do it for you! :D

Originally posted by: Nova
Role playing would be fantastic! The thought having to act out your fantasies? Who wouldn't be up for that? Now if I can just find a woman to role play with.....then I would be happy!

So tell me what role-playing you like? My ex and I tried out three different ones our first time together. We started with the classic "playing doctor" where I undressed him and gave him a physical exam. Then we did "job interview" where he interviewed me for a position as his "sexetary" and undressed me to check out my "qualifications." Then we progressed to "experienced older woman and young virgin guy."

Were these men that you're referring to raped by a woman or by another male? From what I know, males raping other males are actually more common than females raping males. I'm not saying that females raping males don't happen, I know they do but they're quite rare from what I know. Of course it's pretty much common knowledge that most rape cases involve males raping females.

Originally posted by: Snow White
So tell me what role-playing you like? My ex and I tried out three different ones our first time together. We started with the classic "playing doctor" where I undressed him and gave him a physical exam. Then we did "job interview" where he interviewed me for a position as his "sexetary" and undressed me to check out my "qualifications." Then we progressed to "experienced older woman and young virgin guy."

You want me to write down all my fantasies? I can tell you right now that I'm not going to remember all of them off the top of my head. Usually they just come to mind when I'm sitting in a boring lecture and then ideas start going through my head with whatever girl comes to mind first. Then if I'm still "in the zone" I'll think about fucking some other girl that I know.

I just realized as I started typing this that as much I zone out in class, I haven't had any fantasies that involve two girls at the same time yet.

P.S. I sent you another PM a few days ago.

Originally posted by: Snow White
The problem here is that the fantasies were in conflict with each other. The guy was thinking he was going to just lie back, relax and enjoy while the two girls took turns riding him. The girls were going for something more realistic. They pinned him down and tied him up. They were physically and verbally abusive to him. They did not stop when he asked them to. He was in a position where he was physically uncomfortable, unable to move, feeling helpless, humiliated and ultimately scared. That is not what he signed up for!

You never know what thoughts or trauma this event brought up for him. For example, a basic human fear is being confined or trapped, so it could have just been claustrophobia. Or it could have triggered memories of a traumatic event. That's why it's crucial in fantasy to communicate before, during, and after to make sure we aren't operating under assumptions about what the other person wants and thinks. This guy might have enjoyed the experience if he had understood what was happening. Or he might have said "I like this idea, but I can't stand the thought of being tied." The key is that everyone is consenting and consent isn't possible if you don't know what's going to happen. I'm going to say that the two girls were as freaked out as he was.

Actually, male-male rape isn't rare, but is largely unreported. I see it all the time in my counseling practice. Any time we are forced to do something against our will, that is the definition of trauma. I enjoy roller coasters, but I wouldn't enjoy being grabbed and put on one by force. I agree that there have been some callous comments made about rape victims, male and female, by courts and others.

BTW, I am actually seeing females prosecuted in Tennessee under the statutory rape laws; which was unheard of a few years ago.

Originally posted by: Beagle
I'm going to say that the two girls were as freaked out as he was.

Actually, what she told me was that when they first started out, it was just for fun, but when he got upset, they began to feel powerful and pushed it further than they had originally intended, eventually stopping when he started to cry because they felt guilty.

Originally posted by: Beagle

Actually, male-male rape isn't rare, but is largely unreported.

I think it is pretty much common knowledge that this happens all the time in prison, as well as the recent scandal involving priests and young boys. There have also been quite a few instances of men being raped by other men at the rest stops along the freeway when they stop in to use the restroom.

Originally posted by: Beagle
BTW, I am actually seeing females prosecuted in Tennessee under the statutory rape laws; which was unheard of a few years ago.

I have also heard of quite a few such cases here, usually involving teachers and students, both male and female. I know a woman who is now in her 30s who is officially a "convicted child molester" because she had sex with a 14-year-old boy when she was 17 and his parents prosecuted.

Originally posted by: Nova
Were these men that you're referring to raped by a woman or by another male?

The friend I mentioned was raped by a woman. She snuck into his room while he was sleeping and took advantage of him. The musician was raped by a man. He is bisexual and described the incident as a "date rape." And of course, I can't tell you anything about the patient.

Originally posted by: Nova
I haven't had any fantasies that involve two girls at the same time yet.

The first time I did this, a friend fixed me up with a guy she knew whom she thought I would like. All three of us went out together and then ended up in the local "parking area." The guy and I started fooling around in the back seat. Then my friend said, "If you two are going to play doctor, you need a nurse in the room," and joined in. The second time was with the same friend and her boyfriend. This time we did some role-playing with her playing the "experienced older woman" and me playing the "innocent young virgin" and the guy took turns with both of us.

If we're talking about rape in general, meaning regardless of the genders/sexes involved, I think it's pretty much a given that many of the rape cases go unreported. However, a person can only be silent for so long, as that memory does consume and eat up the person later on in life, it's just a matter of how long it takes until that happens.

Originally posted by: Snow White
The first time I did this, a friend fixed me up with a guy she knew whom she thought I would like. All three of us went out together and then ended up in the local "parking area." The guy and I started fooling around in the back seat. Then my friend said, "If you two are going to play doctor, you need a nurse in the room," and joined in. The second time was with the same friend and her boyfriend. This time we did some role-playing with her playing the "experienced older woman" and me playing the "innocent young virgin" and the guy took turns with both of us.

You sound like a great person to role-play with. Now if I could just meet someone irl with someone I could talk about my fantasies with, that would be awesome.

What do you guys think about this as a role play scenario: a nerdy, socially awkward teenager hires the services of a sexy high price call girl.

Not that I condone prostitution or anything, but it might make for a fun role play.

Originally posted by: RLT
What do you guys think about this as a role play scenario: a nerdy, socially awkward teenager hires the services of a sexy high price call girl.

Not that I condone prostitution or anything, but it might make for a fun role play.

Sure! Sounds like another variation on one of my favorite themes, "experienced older woman with innocent young guy." Let's see, what sounds good to me right now? I think I'd like to play a female boss who calls her innocent male "sexetary" into her office for some "dick-tation." :D