Ask Dan & Jennifer

Tjwalker. I can tell you exactly where to start to move past the "fantasy" stage. You and she need to begin educating yourselves on what's involved in the "swinging" lifestyle, which is what you're talking about. I'm a counselor, and the "horror stories" from swinging that I see occur when people jump into it without knowing what's involved. Like any other activity, it has risks and there are things you need to do to keep yourselves emotionally and physically safe. Kind of like when you do whitewater, there's a buddy system and signals you need to know and equipment you need to make sure you have. You also need to know what situations you may face and how to respond if they arise. Then, you and she need to have a very big conversation about boundaries. Problems arise when members of a couple assume they are in agreement on boundaries, but actually have different expectations. For example, is it OK to "play" in separate rooms? Is it OK for one of you to play and the other not be involved? Is kissing on the mouth OK?

Some couples start out with soft-swing, where they engage in petting with another person but then reunite with their partner for actual intercourse. Some agree that they will only swing if the other person is present AND both agree. There are a thousand different arrangements that couples arrive at. The key is that both of you be in full agreement on what those are.

Please take your time and prepare adequately before you embark on this. The horror stories I see are from people who jump into this without adequate preparation. I can tell from your writing you're a bright person, and you can educate yourself on how things work. A great resource is the Swinging section at Society for Human Sexuality. They do a great job of laying out the benefits as well as the risks and they have a very good section on the etiquette of swinging and what a couple needs to talk about before embarking on this activity. They also discuss the signals that couples need to have worked out to "rescue" the other if there are problems.

Best wishes. Welcome to the forums. Please keep us posted on how things are progressing. You will find a lot of really caring and supportive people here.

I totally agree with Beagle. My husband and I have been preparing now for a couple of years. But I think that before you begin to prepare that you sit down and have a serious conversation without sex involved. Often times things can be hot and exciting while in the middle of passion, but in real life there are fears, worries, and concerns. Start here. Find out how she really feels about it (without the excitement). Then if she is still interested talk to her about learning more.

Make sure that you do learn everything you can before you jump off. Start of slow, talk about what is and isn't allowed, come up with a way to tell each other if something is bothering one another, and make sure that you are prepared to stop doing whatever you are doing if she needs you to stop. (Or if you need to stop). The slower you take it, the better the results will be.

Tjwalker, we are in the same situation with our relationship as you seem to be. My wife, however, gets very wet when we discuss the possiblity of another woman going down on me. Our sex can be great but when that subject comes up, it goes off the charts. We, too, have discussed the possibility of taking it a step farther, but not really sure how to proceed from here. I see your posting was from March, 2009, and since our situations seem so similar, I'd be interested to know what has transpired since then. We are doing our homework and doing tons of talking about the situation, in and out of bed, but just not sure where to go from here.
Thank you, also, to the other "posters" on this thread. Your information and insight has helped us touch on things we weren't really thinking about and it's helped open our eyes abit. We're looking for harmless fun but we need to be aware of the dangers.