Ask Dan & Jennifer

How should you come out to her?
Paaaaaatienly.

Howso? o.o

Man, that's a tough situation. But I have to ask, why the rush?

Our society is in general quite dysfunctional in how parents relate to children - and mind you I'm specifically talking about grown children, "adults" over 21 per the legal definition. You know the stereotype, how so many adults in their 20's and 30's spend little itme with their parents because they don't like hearing all the things they're doing wrong, did wrong, the disappointments, etc.

The older generation is so much more focused on "what will people think", often not realizing that this comes at the expense of family and feelings. I believe it has a lot to do with how they in turn were raised by their parents' generation.

But all that aside, i'm amazed still how rarely you see young adults having a supportive, friendly, mutually respectful relationship with their parents.

Dan

I get what you're saying, Dan, and I've seen it before.

The reason I want to come out so early is that I hate having to pretend around her. At school I'm openly gay, but not at home. At home I just avoid talking about that sort of thing, more so around my mother. She's a stubborn bitch who won't ever admit to being wrong, and nothing anyone says to her would change that. She's so against gay guys it's painful, and wouldn't be the type of parent who realises that gay people aren't all bad when they find out that their child is. My mother... she'd try to convince me that I'm just confused, or doing it for attention. When that fails, she'll just try to make my life hell. I know waiting would be easier as far as repercussions go, but it wouldn't be easier on my emotional health. Then again, neither would getting taunted and screamed at everyday... but at least I could be who I am while enduring that.

Plus, I know it sounds silly because I'm only 14, but I really feel like I need someone in my life. My mother unknowingly makes a mockery of that by telling me that I should marry this girl I know. I could become involved with someone in secret, but I don't want to be the one who is afraid to make the relationship public (if it comes to that).

I'm just tired of hiding it from her, and I'd rather know how she's going to react for certain sooner, rather than later.

Dear FreezeFlame...

In psychology, sexual orientation is not officially determined until the subject has reached the age of 26. This is because many people experiment or are curious, etc. in their younger years. Sometimes their "testing the waters" is because of a bad or difficult prior experience with the opposite sex. Human sexuality is one of the most complex areas of our lives... and not simply understood. Of course, society/culture and religion tend to put their own perceptual filter on issues of sexuality which cause things to become even more confusing for those who are "out of the mainstream" in their sexual focus. Additionally, some report having known that they were "different" since early childhood... many since the age of 5 or so. For them, at least, there is no question about their orientation.

You have not mentioned if you live in a large city. If you do, can you call the local gay hotline or gay teen hotline? It's always free and totally confidential. Being able to talk to a live person who is compassionate and informed could help you move forward with your home situation. If you live in a more remote area, I believe there are gay teen "hotlines" on the internet that you could access as well.

You've also not indicated if you were raised in (or if your mother is involved with) a religious group that is not supportive of gays. These are important issues that could help to determine which approach would be best for you to consider.

Anyone's teen years are, at best; confusing, frustrating, infuriating, intimidating and scary. Adding "being different" in a culture that demands conformity just increases those experiences to a level that is, at times, intolerable. This is one of the reasons for a high rate of suicide among gay teens. Just remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There are always choices and alternatives, even if you can't think of one at the moment. Give things some time and solutions will reveal themselves to you.

You are fortunate to have friends and some family who do or will accept you as you are. I know you want to just "get this over with" when dealing with your mom, Especially during our teen years, we want everything "yesterday!" But I urge you to consider going slow here. Talk to your friends at school. Call a hot line where they can ask you detailed questions to help give you a better answer. I know you don't want to hear this... but have patience. It's possible or even probable that your mother knows or has concerns about your sexuality... and that her comments about "faggots" are meant to keep you from confirming her suspicions. If this is true for her, perhaps she doesn't want to know for sure because then she would have to deal with it.

The last thing I will share with you here is that she sounds like a very unhappy person. People who are a "bitch" are usually very angry. Also, unless she's only a "bitch" to you, then her anger and "bitchiness" is not about you. Then she's just generally angry and unhappy. People who cause trouble are usually in trouble.

There are many young men and women in this world who are in your shoes right now. You're not alone. There are answers and caring people out there. Stay committed to find the correct answer for you before taking any action. Since your living arrangement options are so limited at this point in your life, take your time and be sure before taking the big step with your mom. Once it's done, you can't turn back... so be as sure as you can be before acting.

I'm sorry for your pain and suffering... but please know that your pain will pass in time. You'll get through this and life will go on and you will experience happier times.

I didn't wanted to do a detailed post here but I feel the urge to do so.

I have been in his shoes. I have had a very conservative religious tight overprotective background. And I knew, since I was way before 14 I was different from other guys. I know that it is a learning process and you always discover new things, but in general in this society that is way more liberal and way more accepting, young teenagers do realize their own sexuality at a younger age this as well depends on the family background as well.

I doubt that Freeze would still struggle with this in his mind since he has shown that he is very mature and he knows what he wants. I did too. And I know many many people that does know, at that age, too. I don't whole heartily agree with many points that you said, mainly because it is generally not the case anymore.

Now, I have been in his shoes so I really relate to what he is feeling. I mean, I still am in his shoes. Coming out to your parents is never an easy task, and coming out to your mom won't be easy. As a personal advice, I would recommend to keep it to yourself until you are economically self sufficient, maybe not 100% independent but when you have a job, maybe you're in college already, etc. It seems like a long way to that day, I know.

Now, if you decide to come out to her before prom, or senior year, talk to a friend if you can stay with them for a week if things get really nasty. Remember to check your local laws, she has different obligations towards you and they might change when you turn 16/18 and then she loses all her authority towards you when you turn 21. Perhaps talk with a legal adviser in your school if there is one.

Any siblings that might help you? Or what about your dad?

Good Luck.
-Jean.

(ps i saw u somewhere else :D yay)

Hey,Gindec
1) congratualations you hav the person above me to call u mature ~ pops champagne~ now on to the stuff that makes sense
2)Paul up there to me was (sorry paul) spoutting gibberish as soon as i saw "In psychology ~blah blah blah ~ 26. I did not care honestly, the mind is complex and it matures differently from person to person . To realise ur sexuality is when u even try to examine ur mind, how things work in ur head. So to paul : sorry but To what u said i find it irravelant.
3)Ur mom actually scares me...U said that u don't care what she thinks of u so why stop if she gives u hekk then smile and bear with it i know that u probably won't like that but hey ...that was the best idea i could think of with u telling her now. sorry if it sounds irrevelant ( I AM A HYPOCRITE :D )

@Jeanquintro:
She'll probably know before prom. It surprises me that the combined facts that I'm in musical theatre, have never had a girlfriend, and talk like a total flaming fag on the phone haven't made her certain of my sexuality. Oh well, maybe she thinks that by pretending it isn't there, I'll just live my entire life as a lie. She tells me that she would never disown me regardless of the circumstances, but I wonder if I would be happier living with her when she knows I'm gay, or being kicked out. :rolleyes:

I'm an only child, and my dad is being an idiot again so he's lost my respect. My family is really messed up, I'm so busy trying to turn out like my mom in some ways, and my dad in others, and making sure I avoid gaining the rest of their psychological issues that I barely have time to worry about when I come out to my family at this point. :P I'm sure my dad knows, though. His sister basically knows, and she talks to him a lot.

Where did you see me?

@Paul: I seriously believe that those studies that show sexual orientation isn't developed until 26 are completely wrong, at best. Most gay men know MUCH sooner, like 10-22 years.

I live in the big city, and my mom uses her Catholicism as a way to defend her homophobia (Even though she doesn't go to church and discourages me from becoming involved with religion). She says it was "How she was taught to feel" when, in reality, she can update her beliefs just like everyone else can.

@Soramoonsong: I've decided that there's no need to rush telling her, but there's no need to pretend either. I'm acting as myself, for the most part, and if she figures out now I'll just be honest.

Yes, she's a scary woman at times. Just the other day she took away all of my sick day privileges because I goofed on a drama class presentation and apparently my 2 and a half days off of school due to severe illness were to blame (Even though I will admit I lost my sheet with the lines on it over the weekend I had to learn them). She also buys me lots of nice things, so it's a two-sided card.


PS: I'm 15 as of October 3rd! Yay for me :)

Just posted this video to YouTube, it's very much worth watching for this thread. Enjoy.

Should I Tell My Parents I'm Gay?

Awesome video!
It really makes me want to tell her, but I probably shouldn't yet.
BTW: National Coming Out Day is tomorrow! Oct 11!


We'll see how I feel about telling her tomorrow :)

Follow your gut, and by my read, your gut says it's not time. So don't rush it.

As a good friend of ours says, "everything comes in it's own perfect time".

Dan

True. As you guys mentioned in your video, it comes down not to whether or not she's ready to know it, but whether or not she's ready to hear the truth.

(Sorry if I got that mixed up, but I don't have much time at the moment to go back into the video and find the direct quote ><)

So, she'll have to wait a bit longer. But I think if she asks me again, I'll be a little more hesitant to lie to her.