Ask Dan & Jennifer

Wow, I can really see a lot of emotions must be flying through your heart and mind right now. I know you feel like you're in love, but I don't feel that at 12 you really know that kind of love, gay or straight or whatever. I'm sure you have feelings, and I do believe that people know who they are from a very young age, as to sexual identity. But love is a different story. At 12 your emotions are changing, you have hormones raging, there is chemical attraction going on... but love requires really knowing a person, and talking with them, being with them. You are experiencing a hard crush in my opinion. It feels like love, it really does, but it is not.
As far as this older boy goes... well, I'm not one to diss age differences, but at your age I think this age difference is a bigger deal. Your interests and his are most likely very different.
Also, do you know if this boy is gay? If he is not, and you do say something to him, he might say something mean to you and harass you, and tell other people who would do the same.
I know it's hard to ignore these feelings, but I feel at this point that is the best thing you can do.

we had a conversation don't know it might help but
me:and if she does not like me and we will never be friends anymore?
(i used the fake "i like a gurl what do i do buit i actually like you" thing on him )
him:if shes not your fren then that will happen if she is then it won't

Well, as a gay fourteen-year-old male I know what it's like to feel how you do. I'm not one of those who say that you are ever too young to feel love, it's just a variation.

Anyway, telling him how you feel can be a big step and it can definitely make things awkward. Since he's 16 even if he is gay he probably won't really want anything more than friendship with you until you're older.

As overwhelming as how you feel right now can be, you still want to be very careful as to whether or not you express those feelings right now. Try to just be friends with him, at least until you're both older. If you still feel the same way for him in 6 years then you'll know whether or not it's worth telling him.

My advice to you for the moment is to just continue being friends with him but set your sights on someone closer to your age.

How well do you know him?

he is my best fren i can tell him anything ( except that i'm gay apparantly)
when i'm all emo and grouchy he would cheer me up and tell me how great i am :D

Originally posted by: SoraMoonSong
he is my best fren i can tell him anything ( except that i'm gay apparantly)
when i'm all emo and grouchy he would cheer me up and tell me how great i am :D

It sounds like you guys are really close. Look for obvious signs that tell you he likes you as more than a friend.

Things like cuddling, handholding, touching you in certain "ways", and other things usually only done by couples are a good indicator of whether or not he is interested in you.

But yes, just keep in mind that you're so close when you're thinking about telling him how you feel. Remember that if you aren't sure he'll be okay with it... you're risking a very good friendship. That's not to say don't ever tell him, just be sure that it's a risk worth taking when you do.

Oh, and I suggest coming out to him well before telling him how you feel. It'll be less of a shock to him if he doesn't have to face two things at once (You being gay and you being in love with him).

he usully puts his arm around my shoulder



soooooooooo.......... tell him i'm gay first or i like him first

Originally posted by: SoraMoonSong
he usully puts his arm around my shoulder

That's nothing big. Lots of guy friends do that, so I wouldn't put too much faith in that "sign". It's like a buddy thing.

soooooooooo.......... tell him i'm gay first or i like him first

Tell him you're gay first.

If you tell him you like him then you're also telling him that you're gay.

Just tell him that you're gay, see how he reacts, and wait for however long (Weeks, months, years) it takes until you're ready to tell him how you feel (AND be sure that HE is ready to hear it, too).

so how do i tell him
place ?
time?
atmosphere?



and how do i tell if he likes me?

Originally posted by: SoraMoonSong
so how do i tell him
place ?
time?
atmosphere?

It's really different for everyone. But a few things most try to stick to are:

-At a calm time when the two of you are relaxed and there's no negative tension
-When you're alone with him (Or whoever you're coming out to)
-When you feel is right is the best time. You'll know when it's time. You'll feel the words almost crawl up your throat until you find yourself saying "Hey... can I talk to you about something?"

and how do i tell if he likes me?

Again, it's different for everyone. We all have or ways of showing romantic feelings. If he acts like you two are in a relationship then there's a better chance of him being interested than if he's just kind of "Yeah, sure, whatever" to you.

Note: By relationship I mean when he's trying to treat you like a boyfriend. When he's cuddling with you often, sometimes they even kiss you.

Just don't jump to any hasty conclusions and say to yourself "OMG! He's being really friendly to me so he must like me!" or anything like that.

Better to be calm about it than make any stupid decisions that you'll regret in 24 hours.

what do i say i can't juz go i'm gay and i love u would u be my BF



oh... and can i hav ur e-mail would be easier to talk

That's not what you say :P

The conversation might go a bit like this:

-Alone, hanging out or something-

*It's a fairly quiet moment, you two aren't really talking much. Just relaxing.*
You: Uh... can I talk to you about something?
Him: Sure, what's up?
You: Well... we're good friends, right?
Him: Yeah, of course.
You: Can I tell you a secret?
Him: Sure.
You: Promise not to tell anyone?
Him: Yep, I promise.
You: Well... I don't exactly like girls...
Him: Oh... so you're...?
You: Yeah, I'm gay.


That's just one way it could possibly go. What happens after that is really dependant on if he has a big problem with it or not. Seeing as you two are such good friends I really don't think there will be any problems with it.

But yeah, don't tell him you love him yet. That's something you tell him another time.

And I'll message you my email.

To hear my sad story

'http://forum.askdanandjennifer.com/topic/a-12-year-olds-endless-misery'

I've felt that way. It's love, for certain (though some more "experienced" souls would call it obsession when really it's just a different form from usual), and I've felt it.

I told you on msn about the boy I loved, who was in my classes. I felt so strongly for him, moreso than any crushes from the past. The first time I saw him I had to leave the room and collapsed in the school bathroom, my heart pounding so hard in my chest. He only fueled the flames of my desire by treating me with a kindness he didn't seem to display toward any other strangers.

When everything was wonderful between us one of his friends came up to me (who was also a friend of mine) and she said:

"When he talks about you it's in the same way as when he speaks of a girl he has a crush on."

And then, after so much had happened between us... we both seemed to give up on our friendship or whatever you could call what we had. I pushed him away because I was worried about him rejecting me in the end. He began to hate me because of the rumor that started...

And here we are, almost 4 months later. I've grown up a lot over the summer vacation, and if I could have gone back to the first moment he confronted me about the rumor I would have done everything so differently.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are those who can relate to you. The love between a man and a man is as valid as the love shared by a man and woman, or two women. It's not really a heartbreaking story when you think about it. You find yourself so deep in love, which is a beautiful (albeit painful) thing. Treasure it, because when you stop feeling those ways it sometimes feels empty---not having anyone to think of all the time.

((I'm seeing him for the first time since school ended today. We probably won't even talk, but I'm curious as to how I feel. If I see him without feeling that thud in my heart I'll know I'm over him))

dude juz read my post again now i know i am obsessed

hey Gindec if u get this i would love to hear what happened with the boy ,I am sorry I have'nt been online in a while but I had a major exam and my com broke.

Nothing much happened with the boy. He avoids me, I do my best to make little passive digs at him, it's a nice little harmony we have going on.:)

I know, I'm being immature.

Anyway, he doesn't matter anymore. On to bigger and better boys.

Well, better... bigger may be found out later :o

Hope I didn't just break any rules with that last statement! XD

I have missed talking to u. You seem like the only gay I know ;( .
Wow...bigger...bad pun Kurt.Go on ur msn more often u r nvr online i have stayed up till 4 am waiting for u.

Urproblem is solved (at least the boy one) mine is getting worse.I just feel sick and wrong.every nite is spent twisting and turning to get him out of my head, I hate my sex and my sexuality even more everyday...My school is giving a sex talk on monday and tuesday...guess what it contains sexuality...so now my head hurts and i feel like having an emotional break down.I know this will sound sick and wrong but...I get an erection just by thinking his name...It sounds wrong i know but it scares me..I just play his name in his voice in my head and bam a boner.really creepy...I sound like a stalker...and my dreams are getting worse It always involves him one way or another...my thoughts drift to him when I think about random stuff: like apples.and my head keeps telling me he won't like me, so it gets worse and worse...Kurt pls I will be online from 16 to 21 oct ( whch reminds me when u get online I have to ask u something )without much pause i will only sleep from midnight to 2 am ( singapore)so pls go online and chat...I need consolence.

Oh...and BTW I did not know u were so dirty minded ( not saying that is bad ) anyways ur a teen it is in ur mind set...anyhoo miss u and guess what, I have a webcam and if i remember properly u have one too.. so if u do i want to have a video chat with u...than u can see I am not some 40 something rapist (<== kidding on that )

Oh and everyone else I would love more comments juz follow what we have said and try to keep up.

That was rather crude in some senses. Oh well.

Anyway, all I can think to say is:

What you feel for him is normal. You like him, it's as simple as that. It's the same as if you liked a girl, she'd be on your mind no matter what as well. I've experienced both, so I should know.
Don't feel bad because of how you feel for him. You can't beat yourself up over your sexuality (Trust me, there will be enough of those who WANT to in the future). You are who you are. Embrace it, love it, take pride in it. Just let things run their course, eventually the feelings will fade. I don't think of my old guy very much anymore, and certainly not with such longing and fondness as before.
I trust that you are who you say you are, just as the people on here trust that I am who I say I am. There's no need to prove anything to me.

You're quite young, you'll make gay friends in real life once you're closer to adulthood. Don't rush things so much.

There will be other boys who you will feel much differently for. How you feel now isn't what I would consider entirely true love. You know you're in love when you get to know the person very well, and feel the same feelings of desire to be with them while at the same time feeling a rather tranquil feeling when your thoughts drift to them, rather than a sort of nervous pain.

I'll try to make it online, but don't stay up waiting for me. It's no wonder you feel like such a mess right now, you're making yourself crazy with all of this lost sleep and focusing on one person.

I have a dirty mind, very much so. Well, some would consider it dirty, but I like to consider it "sexually-comfortable". I can talk to mostly anyone about sex and taboos without feeling awkward at all, which is something people aren't used to seeing. I have a reputation at my school for it, actually. Some people get really creeped out by the fact that I'll openly talk about seeing shock porn, but that doesn't bother me. Plus, they all eventually HAVE to like me because they all want to find out what I'll say next. It's fun, really.

But yes, I'll try to make it online. If you catch me during your normal hours, great. If not, oh well.

FYI. I have the habit of two hour sleep.It just is normal for me.(though I avoid this on school nights) I am a night person so ..Oh well.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SHINY !!! I am not a mess !! I just am mentally unstable let me explain : OCD ( self diagnosed ), Depressed ( everyone says I am ), Issues on being alone ( I hate being the only person doing something or at someplace ) I am not a mess i did not sleep for days and felt ok.

The only thing is screwing me up is the fact I'm gay. Something just keeps telling me its wrong ( voices in my head ?? Add that to the list ><)

Oh and maybe it is the boy issue...*sigh* my head hurts.Got this freaking headache. [ can some idiot get me an asprin ] *sigh*

I will wait for you I will stay up every chance I get * sticks-out-tongue * don't try to stop me. You are the only gay I know personally and I WILL get to talk to you eventually. ( I am stong-willed don't blame yourself )

(I don't care if I am crude, blunt and dirty minded I am like this, like it or not:D)

If you want to hear a violent rant or a point of which i might kill myself pls read this.

I talked to him on MSN...We joked around. I was kidding on how my cousin ( his god-bro) was raping me [ not true] and he asked me if i was having any fun.I said no i prefer him because he doesn't sexually harress me and i asked why he doesn't, is it because I am ugly or something [ JOKING AROUND ]. So he soughta told me he wasn't gay, so he did not rape me. I am not sure if he was joking like i was or if he was serious, so i just took a shower while I cried and hit [ i bite my skin/flesh till it bleeds] myself till i felt better.

Now as I am typing this, my heart hurts and i feel like ending it all. this might be my last post of all. Sorry Gindec I just don't know what to do ,sorry. I know you think its just a crush and its not, i sincerly love him.It hurts so bad it makes me want to laugh, cry , smile and frown.

I prefered it when I did not know...the feeling of hope and anxiety is better than this.It made me feel 'whole' I know i sound corny.But it made me happy to hope, to feel joy and happiness everytime i see him. I feel 'empty', hollow as if there is nothing to look forward to.Nothing worth living for.It seems so pointless to let myself suffer, I liked how my chest hurts when I did not know,it made me feel human, like there was something worth living for : love, I was always alien to people, The way I acted and how I behaved. That feeling tied me to humanity. and now it is gone,like a fleeting dream or a grain of sand slipping through my palm. I know my typing sucks but I am not in the mood to type in the first place I just wanna say goodbye if it is the last time i come online.

I feel hopeless, sad , loathsome and lonely. I doubt there is anyone like me : the stupid, irritating little twit who has mental issues. I hate being gay, I hate it.I hate it all. I hate how unfair life is.

Goodbye and sorry.

Sincerely,
SoraMoonSong

We all have hardships.
We all have struggles.
We all have pains.

Those of us here today are those with the conviction to stand up and face those problems, rather than running away. There are much better reasons to kill ones self than loneliness at the age of, what, 12 (Not saying there's ever a GOOD reason, but suicide when you're too young to even know the wonders of life is just a silly idea).

I had to face my problems at one point, myself. They had killed everything in me. I look back, and I see that I feel only slightly different than I did at my worst. I still see no future for myself even now. I still have not found someone who loves me the way I love them. The difference is, I found that little bit of strength inside myself that I never had to look for before. I found that one little light in the pit of my soul, and through the actions and words of the ones I cared for most, it woke up.

Some days still hurt, I'll admit, but I'm past my darkness. I'm above letting the pain truly hurt me. I smile as I write this and feel that familiar pang, because it reminds me of how lucky I am to feel it. How lucky I am to know that I've felt other things, that this hasn't become so common that it's unnoticeable. As you said, it reminds me that I'm human; that I'm alive.

At my lowest point, I was looking in my bathroom cupboards for the cleaners. I wanted to drink them and die right there in my home, alone. I wanted to just give up and fall asleep forever. As I reached for the bottle, the image of that one boy I longed for most flashed in the back of my head. I left the room and collapsed into tears on my bed...

That was my lowest...
I was going to do it.
I was so close...
But I'm so glad I didn't.

I'm so glad that I thought of him at that moment. He was what I lived for, or so I thought. I loved him so dearly, this boy I barely knew, that I couldn't leave him. I'd written the suicide note and everything.

He wasn't the full source of my pain, I had many home issues that still exist to this day. My mom was a major factor, I'm not going to lie. It hurt to be without him, but it was my desire to be with him -or have the chance to be- that kept me here.

Suicide is never the right answer, even if it looks like it's the best one. Sometimes we just have to cry, and cry, for months at a time. We just need to remember that there's always a reason for us.

And while I may not make my fame in changing lives, or curing diseases, or inventing things...

While I may not be remembered for being an academic genius...

I know I'll be remembered by the few lives I have touched; the ones who I really care about.

That's all I could ever want.

My purpose in life is simple: Love others and hold their hands through life's many troubles and hardships.

Something that simple is all anyone should hope for. Whether it be educating people in love and relationships, or just offering a smile to those you meet to brighten their days, it's all important and can mean so much. Anything else is just the background on the big picture of life. As long as the focal point is there, that's all that matters.

So, while you're free to do as you wish, I'd like you to remember what I've told you. Just be strong and press on to the best of your abilities, even though it may be difficult.

Just remember, there's so much you've yet to see. So much left to feel.
Trust me, throwing it away is a terrible mistake.

Thank you for all your help but Gindec read the letter I sent you.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING pls don't worry about me i will just waste the capacity in your mind

I read your message.

Just to remind you, the boy I liked hates me now. I live every day of my life, having to see that hateful look in his eyes whenever he looks at me. It's not as painful as one would expect, once you get over it.

Every day, I see the hate he carries for me. Many nights, I dream of him. I dream of the times when things were good. I dream of the day he and I become friends again, even if it's never to come.

It sounds terrible, but it's not. For some sick reason, it just isn't.

So no matter how he responds, know that he's but a drop in the lake of your lifetime. I never thought I'd think that about my own desired one, but I do now. I understand that one day, I'll stop seeing him. He'll probably never think of me again once that day comes, and I'll probably do the same. Even a month ago if you told me I'd be saying this now, I'd have called you crazy.

Trust me, no matter how he responds you'll have other opportunities, other loves, other joys and pains.

1) just go on bloddy MSN.
2) we will continue the debate on my life on MSN, kay?

I've uninstalled msn, I didn't use it enough.

I've said my piece though.
Now the only healthy thing for you to do is decide things for yourself.

At this point nothing I can say will be any more convincing than what I've said here, so I trust you'll make the appropriate decisions.

Goodbye.

I will do what I said in my letter, I am sorry.

Gindec sorry if i hurt u.I have decided to try to make the most of life.even though i doubt it i will try.sorry.
I am still going to tell him.so if you could give me lines to breal the ice.