Ask Dan & Jennifer

Confidence is something that comes in time - I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's part experience and part growth and evolution...

At it's root is the acceptance of yourself as "OK the way you are" and truly coming to peace with yourself. It's' OK to appreciate, accept, and love youreself. In fact, it's a pretty crucial step. Our culture is pretty bad about that, but thankfully that's changing these days.

Here's something to get you thinking in that direction...

How to Get Over Shyness & Fear of Rejection to Get the Girl

And this one (it's older, but this stuff is timeless):

Is Shyness Keeping You From the Girl Of Your Dreams?

i find it hard to belive in myself coz it fear of rejection and also i don,t think im good enough for a woman

i know but when u have never had a girlfriend its hard to feel good about urself coz u think there is something wrong and also i find it very hard to relax.

Fear of rejection is common amongst many men, so it's not just you. You know the best way to solve this? Go out and get rejected. I'm not kidding. Go out and purposely get rejected, just ask any girl you find attractive out and see what happens.

Once you've been rejected a few times, you'll realize that it's not a big deal and there is nothing to be afraid of.

If you don't think you are good enough for women, then what would make you good enough? Maybe you should start working on aspects of your life that will improve it so that you will think you are good enough for women.

Write down a list of things that you don't like about yourself. Then write down a list of things that will improve on those things. Then, go out and do them!

trouble is im always trying to be somebody im not and im shy that bad which sometimes i feel im imprisoned by it

Brett,

The REAL trouble is that you keep making all these excuses for yourself. You need a good kick in the pants. Stop all this bitching about these excuses of why you are not confident or why can't get girls.

Listen, when you create these excuses, whether it's because you think you are shy, scared, have anxiety or whatever it is, you are automatically destined to fail. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. If you constantly create reasons of why you can't succeed with women, then you won't bother trying and of course you will fail.

Perhaps you should work on changing the way you think first before even trying to attract girls. I can't imagine anyone who would date someone who doesn't respect their own self.

There's more than enough advice on this website to help you out with attracting and dating women. I suggest you stop all this whining and get to work on thinking about who you are and who you want to become.

thought u guys were here to help

Originally posted by: modernsavage
The REAL trouble is that you keep making all these excuses for yourself. Stop all this bitching about these excuses of why you are not confident or why can't get girls.

Listen, when you create these excuses, whether it's because you think you are shy, scared, have anxiety or whatever it is, you are automatically destined to fail. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. If you constantly create reasons of why you can't succeed with women, then you won't bother trying and of course you will fail.

Perhaps you should work on changing the way you think first before even trying to attract girls. I can't imagine anyone who would date someone who doesn't respect their own self.

There's more than enough advice on this website to help you out with attracting and dating women. I suggest you stop all this whining and get to work on thinking about who you are and who you want to become.

Well said Matt.

Brett, Dan here. I saw your follow on comment, and yes we're definitely all here to help - that's why we're here talking about this with you.

Don't misunderstand Modern Savage's firm approach here. That really is the best advice for you right now, there's no way for anyone else to fix or change this for you, all we can do is point the way for you to take.

I know it's hard to hear or accept that you have control or responsibility for a situation that's not going as you'd like. But realistically it's a good thing; it means that fixing it is within your power.

I'd like to share one of my favorite quotes with you:

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours".

The concept here is that whatever you focus on grows, that's just an interesting fact of life. And if you focus your attention on affirming the things you're unhappy with, you'll keep feeding them and making them stronger.

The trick is to snap out of that destructive pattern - and focus on what you want to see!

So do it, take a step in that direction...

And I'm not sure if you're ready or open to this, but I recommend you go out and get (and read) this book - The Power of Intention, by Wayne Dyer. It could really help you get where you're going.

Be sure to let us know how it goes!

Hi
I so know how you feel. The thing is that no one got confidence and were all like n same boat. U gotta take a chance n sumtime you get lucky n it is all worth taking the chance. believe me we all feel the same, i shake like a leaf ever time i talk to any boy. What does help me is that i only talk to a boy when hes by hisself n not in a group.
good luck
Willow

...of the skills you need to accomplish the task at hand.

It does not matter what it is. Think about how you learned to ride a bicycle. You started out with training wheels, and once you got the hand of keeping your balance on the bike and controlling it, you took the wheels off.

It is the same here. You must learn the skills you need. It is more difficult in this arena, because there is no step-by-step instruction manual that will give you a fail safe method. It is a lot more trial and error and determining what fits your personal style as opposed to a rigid, uniform method. However, you can read and understand what works for others and get some idea as to what the general consensus is as to specific strategies, tactics, where to go to meet MOTOS, etc. Then, try them out for yourself.

Hey Bret,

Great advice, modern savage. I want to add that a large portion of confidence comes from pushing through fears. Every time you push through one of your fears you automatically gain a little more confidence. Push through enough fears and you won't even recognize yourself because of how confident you are.

Learn to love yourself. I wrote an article about this on my site but I'll give you a little bit to help you out. Repeat this affirmation over and over till it sinks in-"I love and accept myself completely." At first it will seem like you are lying to yourself but over time you will truly believe it.

"I don't feel like I am enough for women"-Repeat the words "I am enough" over and over. I am enough means that you don't need anything outside of yourself to make you feel happy. You would enjoy more women and more money but you could take or leave those things. It also means that you are complete and whole and don't need more money or a nice car in order to attract women.

Any time that you feel your insecurities rising up ("women won't like me because...") repeat that affirmation. It will calm you down greatly.

Alex

YouTube "emotional freedom techniques" for a demonstration. You tap pressure points to release trapped negative emotional energy.

It sounds like hocus pocus but it works and it's free. Go to EFT Home - World Center for EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) for a free ebook.

Hi. Brett, I've been there. I was the school geek; couldn't have got a date with a shotgun. I didn't come out of my shell until I was in college. I got tired of being miserable and got into counseling my freshman year and he helped me develop my confidence and handle rejection. I started trying and when it finally clicked for me, it clicked. My biggest problem was exactly what you're describing-trying to be someone I'm not to impress them. that has the exact opposite effect on women. They need to see that you're confident enough in yourself that you are able to handle how they feel about you. The basic psychology here is that you've got to become more interested in life than about how they feel about you.

The biggest thing I had to accept is that it's OK to get shot down.

It's obvious you need some skills. He's a little crass, but I think the Mystery Method CD's are great. The audio CD's that come with the tapes are great and helped me a LOT. Watching the Pick-up Artist Show also has some great tips. I realize your ambition isn't to be a pick-up artist; mine neither. It does have some great basic instruction in social skills; like when the guys have to interact with the little kids and the old ladies. You can pick those up on eBay at a really good price. Also, don't forget the old classics. "How to win friends and influence people" or "Living, Loving, and Learning." The key isn't to try to become someone else, but to mine these books for good ideas. Every idea you decide to "steal," personalize it and make it yours.

Now, the downside to meeting women that way. You are likely to meet women with whom you have nothing in common. Another step: Get out and get involved. I realized my activities weren't things where I was likely to meet women. Take an aerobics class, classes at the junior college, walk your dog in the park; anything where you're meeting people. You're not going to find the girl of your dreams at a D&D meet, but you might meet her volunteering at Habitat for Humanity, Amnesty International, etc. Just be sure to include activities that attract single women. If you're the intellectual type, take classes that attract women (literature, education, etc.). Heck, I even took Women's History and Ballroom Dancing as electives in college. It's amazing how easy it is to meet women when there are twenty women and five guys.

I've got to agree with Matt. It's time to get off the pity-pot and get out there and start living. Buddy, you're going to make a fool of yourself when you start trying to meet women. That's life; man up and get over it.

I know you're in a rough spot; I've been there myself. If you think my ideas have any merit, just hit me back. You can do this!

Confidence is a mask for facing your fears with passion .

It's just well toned, and cleverly done, when one is considered an expert.

Hi Justaman, welcome!

I'm going to respectfully disagree with you here.

True confidence - the confidence that Jennifer and I talk about - is the opposite of the mask we all carry around, the false front, the pretend cocky confident mask that some dating programs teach.

To be secure enough to show your true inner self is the sign of true confidence.

But that level of confidence comes from the core, from truly accepting yourself as OK and worthy and deserving, it's true self love and acceptance. which is too much for most people to embrace at first.

All that having been said, there's also the old saying, 'fake it till you make it'.

And one of my favorite quotes of all time: "the best way to start living the life of your dreams today in any small way that you possibly can."

Originally posted by: Dan And Jennifer
Hi Justaman, welcome!

I'm going to respectfully disagree with you here.

True confidence - the confidence that Jennifer and I talk about - is the opposite of the mask we all carry around, the false front, the pretend cocky confident mask that some dating programs teach.

To be secure enough to show your true inner self is the sign of true confidence.

But that level of confidence comes from the core, from truly accepting yourself as OK and worthy and deserving, it's true self love and acceptance. which is too much for most people to embrace at first.

All that having been said, there's also the old saying, 'fake it till you make it'.

And one of my favorite quotes of all time: "the best way to start living the life of your dreams today in any small way that you possibly can."

I won't disagree , but I don't think neither of us are right.

I could see your confidence being meaningful , effective to someone's life. I can see how someone could perceive such an interpretation of what confidence is. I certainly don't disagree, and I only acknowledge that its a valid point for someone that you have made,but my personal bias still exists.

I think that we all merely pretend to exist, we play the parts that we can, and we call that self, but does anyone truly know why they exist ? Do they really know If their existence has a true, deep meaning to this universe?

If you ask me , life is just a theater .

I do not disagree with you, I allow you to be an individual .

All the answers never exists, it never will.We all perceive things, convince ourselves, pretend that its our reality . It can be shared, but it never escapes the individuals visions, imagination, pretend ability . We convince ourselves that we exist, but we are clueless how, why we even do exist. We pretend we know why, we say there is a reason...

The truth is no one is right, or wrong . I believe that confidence is a spiritual, magical word, that some people use to describe motivation, and personal passionate desires that they follow through in clarity .

Try not to think too much. Take control of your cognitive process. Focus all your energy on how to execute (how to speak better, present better) because you have already decided - to approach the girls.

What you can do is:
1. List down what you want to say, point by point.
2. Practice them in front of mirrors.
3. 3-5 times a day in the morning and before you sleep.


Don't be afraid of mistakes, nobody is born to know how and everything - it takes effort and of course times, we all trembled thru our lives, nobody is perfect. :o

Instead of thinking what if she says no - think from the other light, what if she says YES? wohoo.. that will be exciting isn't it? In a psychological research, generally it takes 7 rejections before 1 success. Be sure to summarize your learning experience always. That's more crucial. Confidence comes after that. :)

Hey i'm new to the site so here goes nothin. lol

In the video they to pratice getting rejected. And man there's nothing wrong with rejection it happens. Just swallow the pain :) and move on. When I'm at work ,and you have to be careful with this one cause there is such a thing as sexual herassment, but I like to flirt the customers and women i work with, mostely the older women cause they get a kick out of it and 7 times out of 10 they take it as a joke and tell you no. But you're basically getting the same responce that most women will give you if you come onto them the right way. Don't be overbearing and just come out and say "hey i wanna have sex with you" or something crazy like that. Just open your mouth and flirt with them a little bit. Rejection hurts but it's part of taking chances. Remember the worst thing that can happen, if you do it right, is being told "no".

Hi Chris, welcome!!

Right on! most guys never take that chance... and so you "choose" to strike out.

The trick is to treat that woman as a real person... you can actually chat with her about anything, whatsoever... she'll realize you're paying her special attention without you having to use corny pick up lines and stuff like that.

And by getting to know her a bit you have way better chances of getting to know her better... she won't be as resistant as a women who knows NOTHING about you at all.

It's like "cold calling" for dating... it doesn't work in telemarketing / sales and it doesn't work well in getting a date. ;-)

-- Dan

Originally posted by: Chris from arkansas
Hey i'm new to the site so here goes nothin. lol

In the video they to pratice getting rejected. And man there's nothing wrong with rejection it happens. Just swallow the pain :) and move on. When I'm at work ,and you have to be careful with this one cause there is such a thing as sexual herassment, but I like to flirt the customers and women i work with, mostely the older women cause they get a kick out of it and 7 times out of 10 they take it as a joke and tell you no. But you're basically getting the same responce that most women will give you if you come onto them the right way. Don't be overbearing and just come out and say "hey i wanna have sex with you" or something crazy like that. Just open your mouth and flirt with them a little bit. Rejection hurts but it's part of taking chances. Remember the worst thing that can happen, if you do it right, is being told "no".

Confidence is the ability to act in spite of fear. Or is that the definition of courage? hehe

Well you get my point. You see the reason why we would not feel confident is because in some respect we feel powerless to the outcome of something.

If someone is confident, that means that they KNOW what outcome they are set out to achieve and they 100% believe that they can attain it.

Now I know you are asking this in relationship to asking out girls.

I would say the first step in overcoming this is to actually be more disciplined in building your own self esteem.

How do you do that? By making sure that each and every day you are making small wins.

What is an example of this?

Say for instance you wanted to be more confident with approaching women.

So on the first day to improve yourself esteem you say to yourself that when you are out in public you are going to strike up a random conversation with someone around you. They can be male or female, it can be someone you meet on the bus, who serves you at a restaurant, or someone standing there while you wait in line for something.

Now it is important to build your self esteem not on the results but on taking the actual action.

So you should commend yourself on .. actually getting out there and talking to a stranger .. and no base ur self worth .. on what actually happens when you talk to that stranger (if it was a good or bad interaction).

Then from there, you starts to make these small daily personal growth challenges bigger and bigger, and before you know it you are doing things that you never ever thought you could do or achieve.

Its a little late over here, so hopefully that makes sense =)

Originally posted by: Brett
i find it hard to belive in myself coz it fear of rejection and also i don,t think im good enough for a woman

Feel the fear, but face it. After all, courage (and confidence) is not the absence of fear, but the conquest of it. :)

Here's a video to start you off on EFT:

I can tell you the things that attract a girl, because building your atractiveness, also brings along more girls and at the same time that builds your confidence - sorted. Remember to always smile, that will make you appear confident and really approachable. Think to yourself that you are the greatest, that you are the most drop dead gorgeous guy on earth, and that any girl who would have you is the luckiest girl on the planet. It really has nothing to do with your looks, its all gotta do with how you compose yourself. Also the most important thing is to say whatever comes to your mind. Speak what you think. Obviously dont say stupid things that will get you in trouble, but im sure you get my drift. Ignore your heart pounding manically, just tell yourself it's you lucky day and nothing's going to go wrong. Try it out once. Have a day where you make yourself believe that whatever you say or do will turn out well. Afterall, how will you know unless you try? Also, if you really do care about your looks (though im sure your not ugly) wear aftershave, because there's proven statistics that it makes you some high percentage more attractive. Act understanding, if a girl seems upset, go and ask her what's wrong. girls love this. Good luck!