Guide to Gentleman's success at Swinger Parties.

in Sex and Intimacy » Swingers and Threesomes • 2 years ago

If you're a couple that's into swinging, chances are you've been to a party or two. They're supposed to be fun. Really fun. But I've had a decent chance to see some guys out there that mess up with woman after woman and end up just sitting there the rest of the night. Or worse, get kicked out and asked not to come back. I'd like to share some of my insights and help some of the guys out. This whole post may sound strong worded. It is.

You say "Wait, why in the world don't I have much luck at a sex party?"

Great question.

The first probably has do do with the most basic club rules. Don't skip this part! The suprise to me is that most of the men attending had problems following two things. As a manager of a club with numbers of guests over 100 people every two weeks, I had a growing number of rule violations as the number of guests went up. If it wasn't someone who doesn't pick up their used condom from the group room floor, it was someone who had a glass bottle in one of the rooms. Not too big of mood killers or causes for serious party problems. Simple, right?

But these aren't the rules I'm talking about. I'm talking BASIC. Get these and you've got your foot in the door to being more successful.

Foremost: There is a huge diversity in the manners that couples swing. Flirting and that's all. That couple may come to every party, but they NEVER play with anyone else past first base. Same room / full swap. You'll never get her alone without her husband/partner there. Seperate room / full swap. May have a better chance here, but I'll guarantee not everyone swings like that. Find out FIRST before you do anything else past normal conversation. It can even be used as a conversation starter, which kills two birds with one stone.

Understanding how a couple swings is key to being known as being respectful to not only the woman you are interested in, but also her partner. You may not like the thought of another guy seemingly intruding on the woman you're after, but trust me, you're in his territory if it's the woman HE brought along that night.

Be prepared to be let down at times, or your advances stopped cold if the woman reaches her limits of what she wants to or can do with you. Go any farther than this and you'll become pushy.

That's the number one mood killer and don't forget the fact that at least 20 other women just observed you being so. Women seem to be 90% more observant of the men around them while at a party. They have the freedom to show their sexual side openly there and to have fun doing just that. Don't think this as an advantage to just do whatever you want. It'll kill you everytime. Pushy is pushy no matter where you're at.

Some more basics. Actually, the two golden rules.

#1. Ask before touching.

Seriously. "But, it's a sex party! I can't touch anyone?" Go around groping enough random women and you won't get a single one of them at all. Why? More than a few women are guaranteed not to like even a quick tease touch, word goes around fast even for large numbers of partygoers. Keep your hands to yourself, until she touches you. Then you are for certain that she'll go along with more advances.

I've seen this to the point of my own frustrations, either I've had to jump in the middle of my own partner being groped unwantedly, or I've been groped by a woman I didn't want touching me. I've had to relay that with a small amount of subtelty, or in some extreme cases none at all. Either way, its unwanted. Don't do it.

#2. NO MEANS NO!

Back to the unwanted part. It ties right in with asking first. Matter of fact, if you haven't asked, pretty much count on it as being a NO! It goes for everything you're doing at every moment you're at a party. First time with a new woman? You may be going at it like crazy, her moaning, screaming and squirting, but the time you touch her the wrong way and she says stop, STOP. It no longer matters what YOU want, or how you think it will go.

If you don't stop, you face three possible problems.

Her partner, for one. That will most likely to be the first person SHE tells that you won't/didn't stop. While "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned", try that woman's man out when you didn't stop when she told you to. I'm pretty sure he'll take her seriously even if you didn't.

Any other woman observing your episode. You just let any other chance with any other women fly out the window. It should be easy to figure out why. If you couldn't stop with the other woman you were with, they know that you most likely won't be able to stop with them either.

Management of the party/staff. Most clubs only let a guest show an example of this once, with a warning. Do it again and you're gone.

The biggest tip here is called "Being Observant." There are two new TV shows which capitalize on this concept. One is the "Mentalist", a show where the main character plays a ex-psychic, now FBI type investigator who seems to know exactly who did it, just by watching a person or group of people. The other show is "Lie to Me", in which people read "microexpressions" to tell if someones lying to them or not.

I'm not preaching TV shows and the wisdom they impart. I will however, say just how important your skills in observation DO impact swinger parties. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure people out. Body language does nicely, sometimes without a word being said. Watch, then learn. Then act on what you know. Above all, have respect. Follow the rules first .

I'll answer more personal/specific questions as we go on in the post, otherwise I'd spend all day typing. Until then!

Replies(4)

Beagle

Re: Guide to Gentleman's success at Swinger Parties.

2 years ago

Ryan: Thank you for this highly educational post. From following the other swinging posts on this website, it seems that in order for a man to have an enjoyable experience at a swing event, that the woman taking him has to initiate the sexual contacts, at least mostly. Does this match your observations?

Do men very often "succeed" at events of this nature without a female "wingman?" I've gathered that women largely control the interactions and often the women arrange the play.

What proportion of the attendees are there to enjoy the sexually charged atmosphere and don't actually "swap?"

Thank you for taking the time to write this very informative post. I think it will help a lot of people who are considering attending events such as the ones you host.

ryan_s

Re: Guide to Gentleman's success at Swinger Parties.

2 years ago

It's not so much that just only the women initiate contact, either conversationally or sexually. It matters more how the men in question handle themselves throughout if they actually do initiate or are involved in an encounter with another woman. Since most clubs I've attended do not allow single guys to attend, you'll pretty much always have to have a female "wingman/woman?" that will be attending.

Most clubs do not allow single men for the reasons listed in the first post. Men seem to have a harder time understanding exactly what swinging might be about for a woman outside of his wife/gf/partner and are much less inclined to ask. While you do see single females at these parties, there are relatively few compared to being flooded with the sheer amount of men you would have if you opened the doors to them. We tried this once, (before which I informed the owners that it would probably not work) but had one hell of a lousy party with a lot of upset guests afterwards because of it. However, there are a few instances where we've allowed "select" single men to attend. They genuinely are gentlemen and are well known to not overdo things or lose control. They're welcome at any time.

I don't at any time mean to accuse anybody, nor do I mean to try to scare people away from swinger parties. Mishaps will occur but they're few and far between.

But know that sometimes that women have better luck than men at finding a playmate for the night. It truly is a place where the women control what they want and who they sleep with and why they want to. As well as it should be.

It's also why respect and constant observation of what you're doing vs. what she's telling/showing you is key.

While nervousness and sexual tension can be elevated at a party, (it's kind of like a first date over and over again) you as a man will likely be much better off knowing not to expect anything upon entering the door. If it happens, great. If it didn't I still had more fun than I would on an average night. Same with a couple you meet privately in your own home. It's a trick that I have used everytime we go. It seems to relax me and keeps me on an even keel. It works extremely well around women, who may see that I am not there just for sex, but also friendship or just a decent conversation. Matter of fact, it may look like I'm a little harder to get, which seems to spike the intrique and kicks up a woman's sense of conquest. More than a few women have told me that over the years, (afterwards of course) and it continues to fuel the fire during later encounters with the same woman.

As far as numbers of couples that just go to flirt? Not a high number in my experience. Most couples do play well with others. Best way to know is to ask. The majority of couples seem to be same room swingers. It lends security within the couple during sexual episodes and a surprising amount of people like to watch each other.

A few things to look out for. Know that not all partners will experience the same connection that you may have with the other woman. There should be no "Taking one for the team." He may not click with your partner, she may not like him, or you may not click with her while your partner clicks with him and so on. If so, continuing to sex or approaching separate room swinging has to be mutually agreeable to all involved. You may be looking for trouble otherwise.

It can make it difficult at first to find couples you both like. But the joy of a party is knowing that someone will come along, more often sooner than later. The other joy is that some couples do prefer separate room play as well. There's all kinds. Of people and styles. We've made lifetime friends with people we've met at parties, but yet never slept with them. Some we knew for a year before actual sexual contact occurred, only to find out they were our favorite couple to play with. One instance of three years thinking she was only interested in other women before she confessed she fanatsized about me quite a bit over that amount of time. She wasn't able to go separate room as she wanted per "Their Guidelines". It changed to an open relationship. We now have pretty damn good sex together (just the two of us, our others don't click) and there's no jealousy involved per her husband. Well worth the wait. Just part of the intrique.

I'll leave it here for now. Time to go to bed. I'll say more if more questions come up. Feel free.

ryan_s

Re: Guide to Gentleman's success at Swinger Parties.

2 years ago

I may have just misread your question. Seems I went off on a tangent, but hopefully informed a few more people of some other things. Will be back tomorrow.

ryan_s

Re: Guide to Gentleman's success at Swinger Parties.

2 years ago

Ah, yes the one thing I missed. Women do not need to always start the conversations or propositions at a party for that matter. It helps to know when a man can jump in, or actually start the contact himself. It's kinda like high school. I missed out on a lot of girlfriends there because I was shy, nervous, whatever it was that didn't make me act on what I wanted to do. Not good. I missed out on a huge amount of fun with women I run into from high school five to ten years later that said "I wish you woulda asked me out, I had a big crush on you."

Don't be afraid to introduce yourself. Make small talk, eye contact. The underlying theme is already sex, so it opens the door to being more friendly naturally. Most people do open up more then say, having met them at the grocery store or talking to them at work. Now while it was easier as a manager to meet people as a matter of making people feel welcome, we also attended other clubs where we didn't know anyone else but the owners/managers and still hit it off well with most of the other people attending.

Basically, don't be the couch potato. Some men do just sit and let the ladies do all the work, at least at first. But know that the women also may not respond to just what the wingwoman thinks, after all, you'll be the one that wants to sleep with her. She'll want to get to know you for who you are, not just who your wingwoman says you are.

I've watched more than a few guys just sit there all night. If he doesn't talk, few will talk to him either. Those normally end up being the guys/couples I approach after the second party where he doesn't interact much. Just a simple conversation normally starts a bigger group discussion where the quiet man feels or is a little more included. Women might get to know him rather than automatically thinking he's nervous, shy or otherwise moody. It does take a little going out and advertising.

Don't hesitate to start group discussions. I either started or got involved in a awful lot of those. It takes the spotlight off of just one person and spreads it around a little. I learned how chewing gum was made from a Wrigley's employee. I never once knew it came from the same rubber Firestone uses to make car tires. Kinda goofy stuff, but it was fun and things like that gave us a chance to get to know other people.

One final note.

Try not to use too much alcohol to loosen up. A drink or two to relax? Fine. But start getting even slightly overplastered and it'll be a turnoff. Booze is a big thing at parties. Just like every other liquor ad, use it in moderation. It's pretty plain to see why.

Women do like a confident man that can talk to them. Talk enough and you'll run into something that you both relate to. Just don't overdo it. Enjoy it, it can be a lot of fun.