Ask Dan & Jennifer

Playmate: The first thing you need to do is put the plans to move in together on hold until you and he have worked through this, one way or the other. One think you don't say, and I understand you may not know, is whether alcohol or drugs were involved in the sexual interaction with the other guy.

I understand the reason for your concern. It sounds like what you're wondering is whether he is actually gay. Many gay men try to live "straight" lives, and many marry and have children. In my counseling practices, I have seen several couples where the husband, usually in middle age, declares he has been gay all along and can't continue to pretend he is straight.

It is possible for a sexual encounter to be a one-time thing, homosexual or otherwise. If I were in your shoes, I think I would be suspecting there is more going on here. Ultimately, this is a conversation that only the two of you can have. What you don't want is to continue as a couple only to realize that he is gay and miserable trying to deny that. I think that's the conversation you and he need to have.

You need to prepare yourself for this conversation by being calm and prepared to hear whatever he has to say. One thing about men is that we're direct creatures. A lot of guys will hide things, but will give an honest answer if asked directly. Things you may want to consider asking is whether he has fantasies about guys and whether this has happened before.

One thing I would advise you to do is avoid a confrontational approach. Rather, I would recommend taking a "Is proceeding toward being a committed couple the best thing for both of us?" approach. If he is in fact predominately attracted to guys, then the relationship will bring nothing but unhappiness for both of you. It's better to figure that out now than fifteen years down the road. I see too many people in my practice who are going through that situation, almost always in their forties.

Wow...Beagle is right.

The other possibility is that he's using that to scare you away and end your relationship.
I remember George tried to do that on Seinfeld. LOL

I think the only suggestion I can make is getting counseling. This situation involves way too many factors that make it complicated for me to give any kind of advice.

Well in my own personal opinion you just need to be forward with him and ask him, Just say your concerned about your future together and the kid

Beagle is completely correct, your going to have to take this situation with care like he has stated.

Everything that he stated can be true, same with the opposite mentioned.

I'm just going to reiterate to take care in this situation and don't come off strong to him. Make sure you get all of your questions answered and that you are satisfied with those answers, leave no stone unturned.

I took this advice on some levels and asked him he became very very angry about me asking if there was any possibility that he was gay or bisexual he stated he liked the feeling but that he didnt have any attraction to men. He was not on drugs and not drinking just wanted to do it. I don't know even what gay or bisexual is classified as. Hes done this with 4 different men about 20 times he said and I'm the only woman hes been with. Thats what has me truely worried, he wanted to and said us doing it with toys would give the same feeling. I'm just not sure im comfortable in experimenting to this degree. I love him and want to make it work even if i have to try new things but im not ok with sharing him. He wants kids and wants to be together but i dont want to go 20 years and find out holy crap hes gay and leaves me for a man. I'm suggesting to him now that we speak to a therapist im just worried he wont tell the truth i asked him directly he said no he just likes the feeling.

I'm not really too sure on the therapist, I would recommend it though.

If you mean by this "feeling" is anal penetration or anal play. That is normal in men to get that stimulated, it's just not widely known. Some men do enjoy that others do not, and yes they do have successful marriages as well.

The anus is just a sensitive area like the penis, it can be stimulated and give some really good feelings. It has lots of nerve endings back there. If that's what he wants that completely normal, at lest in my eyes and this forum eyes.

You doing it for him or him doing it him self alone does not make him gay. Its just another forum of pleasure.

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck.

Straight men who like "the feeling" of anal stimulation don't do it with men.

He's sounds like he's struggling with his sexual identity

Four men-one relationship with a woman. I'm pretty sure he isn't telling you everything. He may be in denial to himself. At any rate, you need to have a much better understanding of what's going on before you commit to a life with this guy. I don't want to make you paranoid, but I don't want to withhold what I'm thinking either. I sure don't want to tell you everything's fine, when I don't believe that. You want to make sure you find out "the rest of the story," as Paul Harvey would say, now rather than later.

If he won't go to a therapist it's probably because he's in denial, which is another red flag for your situation. You also said you're worried that he won't talk or if he does, he would be lying. Communication is a key ingredient in making any kind of relationship work out. If he refuses to communicate with you or anyone else, it's probably not healthy for you to stay with him.

I carefully read all these did a ton of research on the internet and realized if this was bothering me this much than i need to go with my gut feeling. He didnt want to do therapy, got mad when it got brought up and that id even ask when come on how could i not it was a fair question. I have decided to try to just be friends with this guy until he can come to understand his sexual identity if he wants to make it work than hes just going to have to seek therapy with or with out me. I just cant handle waking up 20 years from now 10 years from now or even months from now to hearing that hes gay and i wasted my time. I think hes in denial and usually gut feelings are for a reason so im following the advice ive been given, my intution, and what i have read from my research on warning signs.

Thank you all so much for you advice and support this was just not something i could go to my friends with and i appreciate this more than you know. Thanks for giving me your time.