He wants to be friends after relationship. what to do?

in Love and Relationships » Break Up and Divorce • 2 years ago

I have been in a relationship with a very nice guy for 3 moths. It was all fine, and slowly we started developing really deep feelings for each other. And all of the sudden, when these deeper feeling started to rize, he wanted to step back. He now wants to be only friends, while I naturally would like to continue with the relationship.
So today, we finally met, discussed these matters in a civilised way and finally split. He does not want a relationship, saying that his work and family (he is divorced and has 4 kids) are too demanding and that he has no time for a relationship - even though he loves me. I personally think that he is afraid of love.
My questions are, how do you really break up in this kind of situation? I personally think that friendship is impossible since I have feelings for him, and I just cant imagine bahaving as a freind with him, while I want to be huged and hug him, and not to mention that we were sexually intimate too. It really hurts badly and I really long to see him...Still I think that we should stop any contact for some time.LIke if I now go back into freindly terms with him, it will be all mixed up - I fear...and I fear it may even get worse than this. BUt I might not be right.What do you think about this? Do you have any expereince with these kind of break ups....he is really a great person, a nice guy, and it is probably the first time I broke up with someone in such a loving, respectfull way. Not to mention that he loves me.
Beside this, I am in kind of trouble, because he was supposed to help me with my diploma work (checking my English) and I do not really know any other native speaker to help me with that. He would be happy to help me with this, but I am not sure it it is a good idea once we broke up under these conditions. ON the other hand I really need help with my diploma work. ( I know my English is good, but trust me my writing needs a good proof reading - so I can sleeep peacefully) What do you think about this, what should I do? Should I accept his offer to help me? Maybe we could do it trough emails?
Now one more thing to clarify is that both my ex and I know that I want to have kids and family and he does not. We knew this from the begging and discussed it every 2 weeks. Still we decided to be together because it felt right to do, and did good to both, and I absolutely do not redgret it. It naturally hurts now But I guess I will overcome it by time. Anyway, maybe that is why he is afraid to get emotionally very involved on a more deep level, since it smells like ending sonner of later?
Please send me you opinion and if possible your reasons too.
I am so confused!

Replies(10)

Beagle

Re: He wants to be friends after relationship. what to do?

2 years ago

I think you've got it figured out. If you really have feelings for him, seeing him will just reopen the wound. You can't heal that way.

brbrhej

thank you

2 years ago

HAy, I was secretly hoping that I receive an answer from you Baegle! I appreciate your answers ver ymuch, and so far you have always been right...even if I did not follow your advices, you turned to be right in the end :-)....
anyway, well it certainly will not be easy to determinly cut all connections, but I guess that I need to take it as a heeling process - like a bitter medecine. After all I am not a banquet table to be taken only what he wants and leave what he does not, but I come in a package. I want to be loved fully and completely for who I am....and I am in love with him. The funny thing is that he loves me too...but eventually not enough....
anyway, too many words.
So bonjour tristes! Accepting the pain starts now and then I move on...It took me years, but I think that I realised that the only way to find true love is by learning to move on when time comes for it.
HUgs
Simka

slittylic..

Re: He wants to be friends after relationship. what to do?

2 years ago

Maybe after you've gone through the grieving process, healed, and moved on.
Not in the acute stages of grief.
Not if you've been intimate and in love.
Especially for the one being broken up with.

Beagle

Re: He wants to be friends after relationship. what to do?

2 years ago

Originally posted by: brbrhej
HAy, I was secretly hoping that I receive an answer from you Baegle! I appreciate your answers ver ymuch, and so far you have always been right...even if I did not follow your advices, you turned to be right in the end :-)....
anyway, well it certainly will not be easy to determinly cut all connections, but I guess that I need to take it as a heeling process - like a bitter medecine. After all I am not a banquet table to be taken only what he wants and leave what he does not, but I come in a package. I want to be loved fully and completely for who I am....and I am in love with him. The funny thing is that he loves me too...but eventually not enough....
anyway, too many words.
So bonjour tristes! Accepting the pain starts now and then I move on...It took me years, but I think that I realised that the only way to find true love is by learning to move on when time comes for it.
HUgs
Simka

The hardest letter I ever had to write was asking someone not to contact me. I can feel your pain. She and I had cycled together and she wanted to keep doing events together. One of the few people who knew how much pain I was in said "How are you ever going to heal?" That hit me in the gut, so I knew it was true. As much as it hurts, you're making the right decision. As was said above, three years down the road, maybe. Not now.

slittylic..

Re: He wants to be friends after relationship. what to do?

2 years ago

"How are you ever going to heal?"

That's so true.

Not only that...in my case, she left me. She made the decision to end the relationship long before I found out. Consequently, she was already at an acceptance stage, while I was going through acute withdrawal.
Every time she called or wanted to get together, she was just prolonging the pain for me.
I had to take control. I needed to detox from her.

brbrhej

Thank you

2 years ago

Dear Baegle and Slittylicker,

Thank you for supporting me and reinforcing what I knew from within (eventually mind combines all the time). MAybe what means the most for me now is that I am not alone in all this . You know, I really cannot count on freind's advices now, since so far they always gave me the wrong ones - just to teach me that I should not listen to them but to my heart.So this is really valuable for me.
Anyway, I am still in trouble to solve the proof reading, but if I let him do that, it might be too painful and as you both say, not help heeling. so I have to solve is somehow. dont know how. Uh!

Hugs
S

slittylic..

Re: He wants to be friends after relationship. what to do?

2 years ago

Every time you think of picking up the phone, imagine you're "dialing pain."

If the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, then make a decision. In time the pain will subside and you'll be glad that you chose what was best for you. You'll wander how you ever could have subjected yourself to being treated that way.
You'll know, more clearly, what you want, what you need, and what you deserve.

brbrhej

:-)

2 years ago

Well said.
BUt I still have no idea what to do with the proof reading. I mean I do not live in an English speaking country and I cannot send ym writing to a complete stranger, because I fear my coppy rights....
BUt diling hiim is dialing pain...well said.
(Yes it is very hard...I have been crying a lot, but I cannot be freinds with him)

slittylic..

Re: He wants to be friends after relationship. what to do?

2 years ago

"The only way out is through"

It's OK to cry...it's just part of the grieving process.

brbrhej

?

2 years ago

I know that crying is ok.
BUt I wonder if you deliberately ignore my question how to deal with the proof reading problem? It is also connected to himand makes this situation a bit more complicated!