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I have been in a relationship with my first real serious girlfriend. She is my world. I love her its plain and simple for everyone to see...
From reading the above sentence all seems good and well...
But the truth is, I have huge doubts if what I am doing is fair to her or even myself? The reason being, I am 17 and she is my first true love/girlfriend and even my first kiss! Naive or not I feel as though she is the one at times, infact regularly... as if she is all I need and all I want from a relationship. But underneath this feeling, a feeling of almost guilt and regret. This is because I think to myself "Am i doing the right thing? Maybe I am missing out on part of my life, discovering who I am and what I look for in a partner"
We are both very mature young adults, I have been through alot of hardship in the past year... My dad was caught cheating on my mother, he effectively left her for this women (was thrown out and went to live with her.) At the time my grandad was terminal, and not long after my father left, he died. He was a huge part of all our lives, and being the anchor of a large family, we were also mourning for the loss of that portion of our lives. I now realise my regret that I have that i did not spent more time with him when he was alive. Getting to know him and becoming much closer to him. This affected my outlook on life trendously, as it all happened litterally 2 weeks after my 16th birthday... A big wakeup call, forcing me to really grow up fast. Especially as my brother had left home, it being just me and my mother I felt very responsible for her, and had to be there for her emotionally.
My mother and father were very on and off after this, maybe 5 or 6 times over the course of 9 months? I didnt want my father back in my life, infact I hated him. But my mother insisted we keep taking him back so we didnt live our lives with regret and "what if"s. My father was struggling and became severly depressed. Medication wouldnt work, and this was dragging on for months, I was shocked he was having suicidal thoughts, such as looking at train times so he could jump infront of one. It all came to a head when we took a holiday, inwhich he didnt come. We came home early and found him attempting suicide. This had a huge impact on me as a person which I am still coming to terms with, as my hatred of him for what he did to my mother subsided, I began to think to myself. "I will never hate my own father, if something happened to him, I would have missed a huge part of my life." Bascially it took me more energy to hate him then to let it go...
Now, I and my girlfriend have changed dramatically due to these events. She was fantastic and there for me throughout this, (well she learnt to be..) And it has forced us to grow up big time and change alot, not nessicarily a bad thing. Although we had our minor issues and hickups, I understand this is part and parcel of relationships and actually healthy for relationships as it allows you to learn about your partner.
But as a result of the above described year of my life, my outlook on life is "no regrets." And I am slowly beginning to think, "Will I regret tieing myself down at 17." I love her so much and we have talked at length how we will always be with eachother, and I would always like to be there for her. But what I increasingly find myself thinking is that possibility it is the wrong descision.
I know she has been nothing but good to me, but thier are traits about her I do not particularly care for.
- She is much more introvert than me, and less confident as I would like.
- She isnt as passionate towards me as I am to her. (Although this isnt really a major issue.)
- She would never stand up to me, and no matter how mean I would be to her (not that I am) she would just nod, appologise and promise it would all be different.
- She is very clingy at times, and sometimes I almost feel suffocated by her and the lifestyle I have come to adopt with her. (I used to have a much more vibrant social life and a large list of brilliant friends. I no longer see these friends or go out atall. This particularly might not be her fault, I'm sure I could see them, but I see her everyday and would feel guilty spending more time with friend due to her need-i-ness. She would question it like "whats changed?" Therefore that is the reason I dont feel I can have friends.)
These issues I know could be resolved with work on our relationship, and I know I should probably (definetly) bring them up. But the ultimate result of my logic tells me no matter how good she is to me.. I need time to assess what I want. We only have one life, it isnt the dress rehersal, and I want to die knowing i got as much from it as possible.
Would time apart for us to find our 'new' selves and grow independantly be good for us? I particularly want to spend time with other friends maybe even girls, not because of anything sexual or because im looking, but to just get an idea of what I want from a girl. Its partly to see if anyone else can supply these needs, and partly not. (That statement sounds stupid I know, but I explain below.)
I dont want to leave her, but I simply will not allow my life to have regrets. She may not realise It but she deserves the same, should I describe this to her? My dad said he regretted not "playing the field" when he was younger, and rushing into things with my mum. He said this is possibly a large part of why he cheated on her... This is the last feeling / idea I EVER want to come into my head, let alone do as a ressort to fufill myself. ( I could never cheat on a women.)
I understand this feeling is very vivid at the moment, but it definetly phases in and out of my conciousness, which shows how it does plague my mind consistently. (Since about September.)
The thing is... The last thing I want to do is lose her forever. Say we do this, and I really hurt her and she is really affected, I will own it forever, never wants to see me again and gives up on relationships as she got so hurt. I hate the idea of hurting someone I love so much for such a selfish need as to explore myself. I know this will really hurt her, I just know it. IF we saw other people, I dont think I would feel badly about it? We both need to find ourselves simply because of the fact of our age.
But I would like to let her know that this, if it should happen, isnt like, "Its over for good." Its more suspended in animation... Again showing the fact I really dont know what I want, whatsoever.
Then again!!! My logic tells me if its meant to be its meant to be!!! And 6 months after this it would of all resolved itself and we would click perfectly... having explored all avenues with no regrets, knowing we are perfect for eachother in everyway.
I will give it time before I make any descision. I want opinions of others as my mother (my only soundboard) and my girlfriend are quite close, so this is why I came here. I know I dont need to make a descision now, and I understand this will be a lengthy and tough descision in the first place.
As a last word, I would just like to say that to me.. Me and her are great together no doubt. But isnt it better to have looked around early rather than later. Say it doesnt work out, I would regret having not looked around now??
Thank you so much if you have read this, I know it was close to an essay. But all the information is relevant to me and my predicament. Please remember, it okay to shout from the side-lines but put yourself in my shoes, what may be clearly obvious I am finding really hard to distinguish.
My question is... Like my feelings towards my dad. Am I putting too much energy and driving myself crazy over something that could potentially sort itself if I can just let go.. The last thing I want to do is deny myself and her something we deserve, (that life experience,) just because the relationship was comfortable...
Any advice is greatly apprechiated.. I hope you guys can help me out. Thank you for your time. Kind Regards, JR.
