Ask Dan & Jennifer

Confidence is the key, my friend.

You say you're in good shape, so that is good. You need to love yourself first. Keep taking care of yourself, work out, read, etc.etc.etc. When you are totally comfortable and secure of yourself, you won't be so afraid. At the end, worst case scenario, will be a "no, thanks." Best case scenario, she thinks you're cute too!

Give it a try. Build a good confidence level, but don't turn it into arrogance. Be just yourself. And take-your-time.

It takes a lot more than confidence to be successful with women. If you're shy, you will want to find a way to overcome it.

Men who are successful with women usually have some, if not most, of the following characteristics:

1. Power, money, status, authority. Men in uniform, musicians, doctors, lawyers, politicians and so forth.

2. Bold, brash, and funny.

3. Bad boys.

You need to acquire some of these attributes in order to increase your chances. Shy guys, Nice Guys, computer geeks, and creepy guys don't get results. Whether they are confident or not is relatively unimportant. Of course I recognize the inherent contradiction between shyness and confidence, as they are nearly polar opposites. Shy guys are not confident. But this merely buttresses my point.

Lastly, can we all dispense with the lamest advice that has ever been given, that being 'just be yourself'? 'Jby' makes sense if you're a natural, which means you don't need the advice in the first place. But for the rest of us, we need to find ways of improving ourselves so we can improve our results and get better outcomes.

We well have to agree to disagree. If you have to fit any of the requirements you gave there, then the girl that you will be getting will be interested on your money/social status/stuff than in yourself. And we all know that when they're interested in something you have other than what you are, there is a problem.

...but I disagree that it is a problem.

Because it puts me, the man, in control for once. It allows ME to make the decision as to whether or not SHE fits into my life or not, and if so, in what context.

If she has nothing to offer and it becomes apparent that she is nothing but a gold digging parasite, I'm in a position to kick her loose.

It's all about having choices.

Originally posted by: Denilson
It takes a lot more than confidence to be successful with women. If you're shy, you will want to find a way to overcome it.

Men who are successful with women usually have some, if not most, of the following characteristics:

1. Power, money, status, authority. Men in uniform, musicians, doctors, lawyers, politicians and so forth.
2. Bold, brash, and funny.
3. Bad boys.

The common theme between the men that are truly successful with women actually does boil down to confidence, or rather the outward expression of confidence. Strong, raw, powerful confidence. Many of the loud and "bad" boys actually fake the confidence, but it still works to some degree.

Sean - check out'http://forum.askdanandjennifer.com/topic/girls-how-do-i-get-confidence'.

You're going to build that confidence by getting out there and trying a few things, and noticing what works and what doesn't. And also seeing that it's OK if you don't get the "right answer" from a woman, it's fine. Make friends with some girls, get to know them, build up your confidence around women so you don't get tongue tied around them anymore.

Originally posted by: Denilson
Lastly, can we all dispense with the lamest advice that has ever been given, that being 'just be yourself'? 'Jby' makes sense if you're a natural, which means you don't need the advice in the first place. But for the rest of us, we need to find ways of improving ourselves so we can improve our results and get better outcomes.

That's a fine line. Pretending to be someone you're not isn'g going to win you long term points, and will adversely impact your confidence. Of course acting in a way that repels women is a bad idea - and if you keep doing it and it's not working, it's time to try something new.

Sure, very few people are "naturals" and inherently charismatic, at least out of the starting gates anyway. But strengthening your core confidence and belief in yourself is very important; you've got to believe in what you're selling if you want anyone to buy it. It's also important to understand and appreciate what it is that makes you special and unique; that gets back full circle to confidence.

Originally posted by: Dan And Jennifer
The common theme between the men that are truly successful with women actually does boil down to confidence, or rather the outward expression of confidence. Strong, raw, powerful confidence. Many of the loud and "bad" boys actually fake the confidence, but it still works to some degree.

Or what I prefer to think of as boldness.

Originally posted by: Dan And Jennifer
That's a fine line.

True, it is a fine line. But isn't that true of every aspect of The Game?

Originally posted by: Dan And Jennifer
Pretending to be someone you're not isn'g going to win you long term points, and will adversely impact your confidence.

I agree that it isn't the best thing to do if a LTR is what you're looking for. But if your objective is (a) casual hookup(s), why not? It isn't as if women don't do anything to make themselves more attractive (after all, fashion, beauty, and cosmetic surgery are all mutibillion dollar per year industries), so in that context, why is it wrong if men do the same, practically speaking?

Denilson,

There are some truths in what you are saying.

• Women like confident men
• You have to be a person a woman would want to meet
  

But from there you start to make some leaps of rationality that are distortions and not really true - they are "rationalizations" rather than being rational.

You refer to the process of dating as "the game" and a "dating jungle." If your only reason for dating is to find someone you can have sex with, then this approach probably works for you. If, however, what you want is someone you can have lots of really great sex with, then it could make things difficult for you.

At one level we all want sex. A good orgasm and some level of intimacy always makes us feel better. Like any quick fix, though, we think the key to making it better is to have more of the same. It's kind of like feeling better after one drink, and then killing off the whole bottle. What we need is to take it to another level (not that I'm knocking casual sex, if that's all you can get).

Men are expected to be the assertive one and ask women out. Meanwhile you guys have to deal with sexual drives that are way stronger than most women. You have to deal with women who dress provocatively only to slap you down if you respond to that provocation. Add to that, the only way you get touched affectionately after about the age of 5 is through sexual touch. Our society doesn't make it easy for men to do what is natural. I can even understand trying to devise manipulative plans to get what you want because the way dating is set up puts men on in a precarious position. You are always having to put yourselves out there and risk rejection of the most precious part of you - your sexual esteem. Women deal with that too, of course, but its different. We get "picked over" - but that is a different process than continually risking rejection for you advances.

When a man is shy, he is at a disadvantage in some ways. But there are a lot of sweet, smart, confident women who like "shy" guys. The difficulty of course is for the shy guy to let the girl know that he likes her. But pretending to be something you're not doesn't work for anyone of us. Encouraging people to pretend to be something they are not is a dangerous path. Someone who is insecure needs to work on building their confidence by becoming the person they want to be, not by "faking it" - but discovering what is great about them.

Its authenticity and sincerity that sets us free to have wild, great sex!

...because what most of what you say makes a lot of sense.

But I take issue with a couple of your contentions.

First is the contention that women are attracted to shy men. They're not. Allowing for the rare exception, of course.

You acknowledge that women are attracted to confident men, and this forum is full of such assertions. I prefer to think of it as boldness as opposed to confidence.

The rub is that whether you frame it as boldness or confidence, both of those qualities are the polar opposite of shyness.

Absent the extremely rare bolt from the blue, the shy guy has NO chance with women. None. If he can't approach a woman, nor present himself as bold, he is sentenced to a life of involuntary celibacy.

As for me, you're right, having sex is my ultimate objective in my interactions with women, as I'm certainly not interested in discussing shoe shopping with them. I have my reasons why I'm not interested in a LTR, which I don't think are important nor relevant to this discussion.

But regardless whether your objective is casual sex or a LTR, it is a jungle out there. For many of us, it is the most competitive thing we do. As such, calling it a jungle is not a distortion. It is the hard, cold reality, for reasons you amply discussed in the fifth paragraph of your post and do not need to be rehashed here.

So while I appreciate your comments, I find them to have a couple of inherent contradictions that do not make sense. Perhaps you can clarify.

Denilson, you're a fan and believer of the ladder theory aren't you? ;)

I've never heard of the Ladder Theory. If my views are consistent with it, it is entirely by accident.

You've piqued my interest Exavion. What exactly is the Ladder Theory?

The ladder theory is simple. It states that men have one "social" ladder, in which they class girls they meet. Either they are dating material or not, there's no second friend ladder.

Women on the other hand, have two ladders. The friend ladder, or friend zone, and the Alpha male ladder, who by theory are the only males they truly want to fuck. Now the typical scenario is that a guy meets the girl, supplicates for her (does stuff he normally wouldn't do for any other person), tries to care for her, be there all the time, do everything for her; etecetera... he thinks this will create a romantic attraction between the two.

By theory, it won't. What this will do is make her like you as a friend, a very good friend, but the thought of dating you hasn't even occurred in her mind because you've lost all real respect in her eyes by lowering your own value and dropping your opinions/money/time for her on call.

I generally agree with the ladder theory up to this point. I think if you meet a girl you're attracted to, being a confident, fun guy who doesn't supplicate, defends his views, treats the girl just like any other human, and makes his intentions clear; has a very good shot at being considered the alpha male type and having a go with her.

http://ladderwiki.com/wiki/Main_Page

at The Ladder Theory,

and I have concluded that it contains a number of fundamental truths.

However, I would divide the women's-attraction-for-men-pie about equally between the three categories that I previously mentioned. The author divided it differently, and gave no consideration to the fact that some women are genuinely attracted to bold, brash, funny guys.

So I'm not quite as cynical as the purveyor of the Ladder Theory, which is where I suspect you were going with this, Exavion. But I'm pretty close.

Well in my opinion through your life you've been manipulated, abused, cheated on, betrayed and any other number of malicious acts, and by girls. So, if I were you, I'd feel extremely Jaded and probably lose hope too, for the older ways of thinking about romance.

Though you've also made it clear you don't want the same things out of a relationship than I do, in fact you don't even really want a relationship at all. So, I'm sure things are working for you now. You're invulnerable, get in, bang her, get out; without ever getting hurt. ;)

So why mess with all that superfluous nonsense?

I wanted to know what you'd say to it, obviously. It's not redundant to me, not at all. It lets me know more about you based on your response. ;)

ok denilson i kinda disagree with some stuff you said but i also agree with a lot of it but see the thing is i play lead guitar for a big band in kc mo and it has not gottin me any ass. as sure you would put it. but see i am looking for someone just to fuck and leave . i am looking for something better some one that i can have great sex with and if i am feeling like shit someone that can make me smile just by seeing her face. i gess why i am so shy now is because i have been rejected so many times because i dont want to be some one am not.but if you have to be or act like that you go a head and do that. but some day you will get sick of it and will want to have some one to make you feel good all the time not just one night and by the time that happens it might be to late and the person that you can see you self with might of all ready found some one else........oh and by the way thanks exavilon and every one that helped me :)

But as you've figured out, it won't solve your female attraction issues all by itself.

You see, what attracts women to lead guitarists isn't the fact that he knows all the chords, fingering positions, etc. It's the attitude. The swaggering, bad boy attitude commonly associated with lead guitarists, and musicians in general.

The shyness that you mention is what I suspect is holding you back. And it won't help matters to get in a relationship, either. Contrary to some of the bs you've heard, women want bold leaders, not timid shy guys. You're going to have to take the lead, which means taking chances, if you expect your relationship to endure and not become just another statistic. You need the same traits to keep a relationship intact, plus a few more (like patience), that you need to start one in the first place. Nor does complacency have a place in a relationship.

As for me, I've been in relationships, and have concluded that they are not for me. Only on the off-off chance that I meet someone whose talents and efforts, when combined with mine, produce a result greater than the sum of its halves, will that change. In the meantime, I have a life to live and no way in hell am I going to make sacrifices or 'save myself' for anything.

yeah but what you dont get and everyone i know dont get is there is me here and now and me up on the stage when i am up there i am someone that is just well a badass i gess someone who would try to do a double back flip off a 6 ft amp witch i did do but once i step off the stage i just cant hardly talk to a girl.

To attract women, you need to learn how to approach them, talk to them, and get them interested in you.

Just like jumping backwards off the amplifier, this is a skill. Which some of us have to work harder to develop than others. Like me. And you.

There is lots of good info out there on how to do this. As for myself, I got a lot better at communicating with strangers in general by doing Toastmasters. Toastmasters is THE PLACE where you learn how to do public speaking, an indispensable skill in my line of work. And if you ask 100 people what they fear most, the response 'public speaking' is going to come up a lot of times. I used to have the same fear. By doing Toastmasters, I vanquished it, never to be seen nor heard from again. I'm confident that you can too.

Once you master this skill, you tailor it specifically to approaching women, and along the way you'll start to learn a little better what works and what does not. As you might have guessed, women aren't into talking about beer, sports, cars or computers so much. But, you're into music, and presumably so are some of the women that show up at your gigs. That gives you something to start with.

Good luck and I'll be looking forward to regular progress reports:D.

You seem to have the same problem as me. I help people all the time at my school, and now on this website about their problems with asking a person out, but I just can't seem to be able to talk too much with the one girl I like. So, I think I can help you out.

Like I said, I'm also shy around my crush and never know what to say to her, but I think I've fixed that a little. I've found out that you should try to talk about something she's good at and intrested in.

For example, the girl I like is in track and band. So I've asked her what her favorite things she likes about track: pole vault, hurdles, relay, ect., and what she likes about band. Since she's a great trumpet player, and had the not so good parts in band, I gave her an entire stack of all the best parts to show that I think she's good. That will get her to notice you more... giving her something; it doesn't even have to be an object such as band music like I did, another thing is encouragement.

Tell her she's good at _, _, and _. Ask her how her day has been so far, or what class is she going to next. Talk about things she and you both have in common. It doesn't have to even be to personal. Just show that you are somewhat interested in her, and gradually step it up a notch each time you talk to her.

I hope that helps a little.:D