HELP!!! POSSIBLE ONLINE DOM/sub RELATIONSHIP!!!!!

in Sex and Intimacy » BDSM - Bondage, Domination, Submission • 2 years ago

HELP!!!! i'm new to bdsm and have never had any real life experience with it. i've never had a boyfriend iether, so i'm a virgin in it all. on facebook i joined a bondage group and have been in contact with a "john smith" (age 43) for 4 days. i like him, and we have interesting conversations but 2 days ago he expressed an interest in having me as a sub in an online relationship. he asked me to take a picture of myself in a skirt all dolled up. which i no big deal since i have pictures of myself on my facebook page. but then he told me that by asking me to do this with certain requirements he was testing my submission. at those words i froze up and i think i had some sort of panic attack because i could barley move, i got dizzy and i had trouble breathing. he said it was called 'the rush' and that it was part of exploring my sexuality. he told me the best way to get rid of it was to masturbate. we had a short conversation on that as it got increasingly worse because i didn't want to. i dont know why but i suddenly got very afraid. then he gave me permission to do so and it 3 times worse. he tried to help me and because i was terrified and out of sorts i broke one of my most sacred rules and gave him my cell number. he told me to get ready for bed and out on stockings. then he called me talked to me for a bit, tried to help me masturbate. but before it got anywhere near serious i got terrified told him i couldn't do it, apologized. he said it was alright and we ended the phone call. today i am violently sick. it happens when i get stressed out. i sent him a email this morning apologizing for my horrible behavior in breaking my rule and proceeding to attempt to do something as horrible as having an intimate phone conversation with a stranger.

i though after doing so much research in this topic and reading a lot of your posts here i would be ready for this but i am terrified and i don't know what to do. he seems like an interesting person and i smile when we chat online but 'the rush' was terrifying and the fact that i so easily broke my rule for him was even worse. is this normal? i feel like i'm having a break down. do other first time subs go through this? do most Doms test you like this? i'm terrified of all of this. Please help!

Replies(7)

Beagle

Re: HELP!!! POSSIBLE ONLINE DOM/sub RELATIONSHIP!!!!!

2 years ago

Victoria: You know exactly about this guy what he wants you to know. The fact that you're having this strong of a fear response tells me that something just isn't right. Often when you get that feeling in your gut that something is dangerous, there's a reason for that. Your intuition may be picking up on something that your conscious mind can't or won't see. You need to tread cautiously here.

victoria_..

Re: HELP!!! POSSIBLE ONLINE DOM/sub RELATIONSHIP!!!!!

2 years ago

thank you so much. i would like anyone elses take on this as well. i will keep you all posted on what happens. the next time i speak to him i intend on telling him that nothing is to be officsl, he will not call me in the future no matter what and if i say no to soething hes just going to have to deal with it. i will not let him get the better of me. but i would like to know if this is a normal responce for a first time sub. he asked me in the begining what i intended to get out of this "relationship" i said i just wanted to learn something and have a few nice conversations.

victoria_..

John smith update

2 years ago

okay so after my message here is his reply:

Evening, Victoria.

I too, think last night was too much, too soon.

After thinking about it, I realize you are in position that is unlike most other young women at the age of 20. Besides the usual challenges of American teens dealing with growing up, hormonal driven emotions and independence, you're having to deal with what we call 'culture shock' too.
Your family is very conservative compared to the typical American family; not necessarily a bad thing. However, you still think of yourself as not being an adult; not a little girl, but not a woman.

Those you go out among every day though see you as a young, attractive woman, much like any other American. The average young man has no concept of asking your father for permission to ask you on a date, for instance. It's a challenge that I think you can handle, but you have to be the bridge between the cultures.

As for your interest in bdsm, I think it's premature. Little one, becoming sexually mature involves one on every level, mental and physically. These feelings are always intense and hard to handle at first. BDSM can be much more intense, and always involves the mind and body. I think you should 'back off' from the BDSM scene and put first things first. And first, you need to open up to others, begin dating, and eventually find love. There's no easy road to travel there, and the bumps and curves are many. It is also exciting, rewarding, and will make you a better person.

You should also be aware that there are very real predators in the BDSM world, and see a young woman like you only as a piece of meat to be consumed. It's dangerous. That's why I feel you need to change directions a bit, back off from this scene, and enjoy your youth. You're a very attractive young woman. Enjoy being attractive, wear something that makes you feel pretty, and give the world (and the young men in it) a chance.

okay so what do you guys think?

subo9_dan..

Re: HELP!!! POSSIBLE ONLINE DOM/sub RELATIONSHIP!!!!!

2 years ago

Hi Victoria
I think you need to listen to what he says. BSDM is a step too far for you to take, it seems to me. I'm a lot older than you and have much more sexual experience, yet I'm only at the beginning of Dom/sub relationship and I'm just finding my way. I was very unsure about it to begin with, the thought of handing complete control, not just sexually, to another person is scary.
However, I am lucky in that I was already in a relationship with this man before he very gradually introduced the idea of my being his sub, and over time explained exactly what it entails. I'm still a bit unsure even though I've comitted myself too him and it feels good, I suppose I don't know if I will always feel that way and wonder what would happen if I changed my mind and wanted out.
So my advice to you is just start with ordinary socialising and going on dates with different guys. Before you give yourself to anyone make really sure they are trustwothy and also worthy of the gift you give them of yourself.
It's best to start gently when you feel ready to, sex should not make you panic like this and you are nowhere near ready for this type of powerful relationship.
Please look after yourself and value yourself, women can be very vulnerable in today's world. Time to back away from this scene and get busy being young and carefree. You have all the time in the world.
Take care of you.

victoria_..

Re: HELP!!! POSSIBLE ONLINE DOM/sub RELATIONSHIP!!!!!

2 years ago

i know. i've decided not to break any more rules and if something makes me uncomfortable then its a no and that's the end of it. thanks a lot guys i was really distressed. mostly because when i experienced what he called "the rush" i felt like i had lost control of myself. ive never felt anything so strong. i think i was scared of myself mostly and that i could feel such a strong response to something so simple.
btw please tell me if that makes any sense.

i dont feel scared of im or when i'm chatting with him. actually i realized that i've smiled a lot more when i've been chatting with him than with my friends.
but i will be careful and keep you all posted on whats happening that way i can have other give me the heads up in case i do something stupid again.

btw instead of speaking with him i sent a message, forgot to mention that before and i actually tried to intimidate him in the message. today we spoke briefly and i sent him the picture he asked for that i promised i would send since as i said i have plenty of pics on my facebook and i always keep my promises. he said i looked nice and thanked me. i apologized for being rude (my message was a bit sassy) and for trying to intimidate him. (okay so maybe a little more than sassy. i guess it was my form of rebelling) he didnt get upset about me trying to intimidate him though. does anyone understand why he reacted like that? because i dont. i figure i'll ask but i want your take on it please.

so my questions are: does what i said about my 'rush-ing' (or what ever you call it) and how i scared myself because of it make sense? and does anyone get why he didnt get upset at my trying to intimidate him? oh and can someone explain this rush thing a little more for me? i still don't get how one sentence could make me have such intense feelings. thanks again everyone i really appreciate all of your help with this.

victoria_..

Re: HELP!!! POSSIBLE ONLINE DOM/sub RELATIONSHIP!!!!!

2 years ago

Originally posted by: subo9
Hi Victoria
I think you need to listen to what he says. BSDM is a step too far for you to take, it seems to me. I'm a lot older than you and have much more sexual experience, yet I'm only at the beginning of Dom/sub relationship and I'm just finding my way. I was very unsure about it to begin with, the thought of handing complete control, not just sexually, to another person is scary.
However, I am lucky in that I was already in a relationship with this man before he very gradually introduced the idea of my being his sub, and over time explained exactly what it entails. I'm still a bit unsure even though I've comitted myself too him and it feels good, I suppose I don't know if I will always feel that way and wonder what would happen if I changed my mind and wanted out.
So my advice to you is just start with ordinary socialising and going on dates with different guys. Before you give yourself to anyone make really sure they are trustwothy and also worthy of the gift you give them of yourself.
It's best to start gently when you feel ready to, sex should not make you panic like this and you are nowhere near ready for this type of powerful relationship.
Please look after yourself and value yourself, women can be very vulnerable in today's world. Time to back away from this scene and get busy being young and carefree. You have all the time in the world.
Take care of you.

sorry i forgot to address this. when i say i'm into bdsm i dont mean physical stuff. i mean yes the idea does turn me on but thats just it; the idea. i am more of a fan of the mental, emotional and psychological aspect of it. its that non physical connection that fascinates me more than the actual act. and i promise i'll go on a date as soon as a decent guy comes along.
also sex doesnt make me panic its the idea of doing something like masturbating which i've been taught is wrong and even worse having someone know for a fact that i did it and that it was because of them. thats like hanging your dirty laundry out to dry in your front yard.
and again thank you so much. i thin with all your help i may actually begin to learn something about al this and more importantly about myself.

victoria_..