Ask Dan & Jennifer

The most obvious alternative is to adopt children. But if they "have to be yours" then you have no choice but to divorce and start another family. But there is no guarantee you will be able to have children with someone else, either.

I have never understood why being the biological parent to a child is so important to some. It's like any other obsession, though, and can be terribly destructive and it seems to be true in your situation.

You are with someone you love. She's a good person by your own account. But if she cannot have children you say you can't be happy. This is a desperate situation and the imperative to have children, which is making you unhappy, is your own.

I suggest you try counseling for a period and see if there isn't some way to work this out - to come to a point where you don't feel the necessity to impregnate someone. And then stay with your wife.

But if you don't think this is possible then you'll never be happy and you'll be making two people miserable.

This won't be easy to get over - either your feelings or the hurt and damage this has created.

But....imagine one day when you are 60 and you get prostate cancer or, due to age or diabetes or something like that, you can no longer get an erection. It happens to many men (look it up.) And your wife decides that she doesn't want to be with a man who can't have intercourse with her.

This could happen. So due to no fault of your own you can no longer obtain an erection (just as she cannot become pregnant). Would it be right for your wife to leave you or would you rather find a way for her to be satisfied despite this problem?

Thank about it. It could happen to you.

Thank you for your reply, I have ben rally anxious to hear someone else's view on this and am glad to be questioned.
For the desire to imprgnate someone, while this is true at a basic level, I would be open to the idea of aoption. I have brought the subject up but my wife doesn't want that. For her she would be happy if she did fall pregnant for me, for us, but just 'to have' a child is not the most important thing for her and so she doesn't fel drawn to adoption. I have read alot and it seems like the perfect alternative for people who don't create their own, so I guess for me it is to be a father that I crave, rather than simply make a girl pregnant.
I would be devastated if my wife left me for something I had no ability to change, but then true love means wanting someone to be happy, even if it meant you would be unhappy doing whatever it took, and ultimately if I thought staying with me made her unhappy I would want her to leave. I know she feels this way too, and has said to me already that I should go, that she doesn't want me to have regrets for staying. Very difficult. I wish I could see a clear way.

Hi--My name is Madame Ky and I am experiencing a similar situation to yours---I am 47 yrs old and my husband is 32. We have been together now for 10 yrs, married 9 of them. When we met, my husband was new here to the U S (orig. from W Africa) and he was only 22 then---he says that he never looked at our age difference then or now, and that he was not aware of fertility problems and that women could/should freeze their eggs for the future. I was age 37--close to 38 at the time that we met---I too, was not aware of fertility issues and Artifical Insemination or IVF, etc.
In 2004, we decided after 3 yrs to trying to get pregnant on our own, to go through fertility (Artifical Insemination)---we got pregnant and then miscarried right at the end of the 1st trimester. It was very devasting for my husband, and he still to this day has not yet healed from the loss of the baby---it was to be his first and only child---I have a grown son that at this time in 2009 is age 26. We retried AS in 2005 and were not successful.
Now in 2009, mid July or so---hubby approached me and said that he was ready for us to adopt. We researched via the internet and emailed a few friends that have adopted---and they both have inner acted the birth mother into their adoption process. We decided, that we did not want to go w/adoption---or, at least w/involving the birth mother---that's a bunch of crap---if she gave up the child, then why should we let her into the childs life---and we both felt that it would make matters harder & more difficult for us in raising the child. We didn't want/need a 3rd party interrupting our home/parenting techniques. OK---so the brakes were set and we (mostly him) decided to not even pursue the idea of adoption any longer---plus, he felt like they would be putting us under a microscope too much, that people were scrutionized too much. I tried to explain to him, that the agencies have to be very selective as to whom they let take the child/children into their homes.
So, then he went back to the fertility thing again---this time we would have to go with IVF; probably Egg Donor this time---last time when we did AS, it appeared then, that my own eggs were loosing their strength and that in the future, we'd probably have to go w/IVF. Anyhow, we thought about that, made an appt at the clinic--started the test(s), etc and spoke with the staff and got our little Embryology 101 class from the Lab Specialists who showed us a vido and talked with us all about the transfer process and what both the egg donor and myself would go through. Then, on the way home in the car, my husband told me that he did not think that he wants to waste him time w/IVf/Egg Donor due to the fact that there are no guarantees that we would get a baby out of it---that he does not think that he can take another miscarriage and still no child in our lives. He thinks that we are just wasting our time and that maybe he should go on with his own life either living on his own (appearing single to others, so they will not ask questions about children) or---maybe even look for a younger wife--in hopes that they can start a family.
I even introduced a person that I know (a coworker) that is less than 1 yr his age---she's 31 in hopes that we could use her as the egg donor for us---I had opened up my heart & feelings and told her everything about my marriage (good & bad) and how much I loved my husband and what a wonderful man that he is and has always been, etc. Well, she took the info & tried to run with it----for the month of August---it was the Summer of Hell for me----she emailed him, texted him love messages, and got him going to see her & her kids----yes, she has a ready made family for him----1 child age 4 1/2 and 1 child age 1--both daughters. Well, she had him running to her side for this, that & the other for 1 month---he said that he was going to see & be around the children---but, I knew that he was also getting close to her and talking and opening up about his thoughts, etc. She pulled away from me---actually alienated me and barred me from caling, emailing or having any communication w/her---in hopes that she could try & steal my husband from me---she knew that he was in a confused & vulnerable state of mind.
Anyhow, it appears that he has told her as of 1 week ago, that he is no longer interested in communicating w/her---I hope and pray that this is true----and, that he is able to stay strong and delete any messages (emails or text msg) that she may send to him & not to answer his cell when & if she calls. He is very nice & caring---and she is a single parent and he feels that she needs help with things, etc---I told him that he has no obligation to her or to her children---they are not his children and she is not his wife---I am. Where is the loyalty? Anyhow, I told him that he could not both---that he needed to decide which one he wanted.
Well, we've really been talking a lot this past week----and our sex has been off the charts---it's always been great---super even---and we've had a wonderful marriage---we have been fabulous partners and soulmates and have done everything together---I mean everything. It's like we have been joined at the hip for 10 yrs----so this time is extra hard on both of us. But, he is still contemplating on moving out----he feels that he has lost his love for me---the real true love that he use to feel---before we got started trying to have a family---and especially since 2004/2005----since then, it has all been going downhill as far as he is concerned.
I love my husband with all of my heart, and I am willing to do IVF/Egg Donor with no hesitation or Adoption---whichever would make him happy. I'm not willing to do any of this, just to keep my marriage---this is something that we have both wanted since day 1 of our relationship. We both wanted to have children.
OK---we both wanted children---but, now---in his eyes---that child was suppose to be only brought into our home via penis/vagina lovemaking. Not via a tube, created in a lab of some sorts... a tube baby or a tuber as we refer to it. He says that his stuff works (sperms) and that he should not have to be so desperate (or appear to others that he is desperate) by stooping to this level of obtaining a child. And, adoption is now out of the question---at least for a first child---he wants one that is his own flesh & blood. I have tried to tell him, that it will not matter to anyone else how we got our child---and, he is really upset that he married me to be the other 1/2 of the child's parent---and that w/Egg Donor program, that would make it impossible---it would be him & the egg donor--not me---I'd be out of the picture. He does not want it that way--he wants a child that he can say---oh, you're just like your mother---and, he says that he can't say that to our child at that point, because even if I carry the child & raise the child etc,---it still won't be a part of me or really "my child"---he doesn't want a child that is just 1/2 of him & someone else.
That's where I'm at right now---I think that you should try to get some help---I am trying to set up counseling for him---don't know if any of it will work out or not---but, it's worth a chance--- I love him so much & do not want to loose my marriage & wonderful husband---and hopefuuly, he will change his mind and still want to do IVF.
Good Luck--- To Both of Us!