How can I ask my husband for sex?

in Love and Relationships » Relationship Advice • 2 years ago

I'm married for 6 years.
Since about last year, my husband wants sex less and less.., to the point that I want it badly and have difficult time dealing with it.

Less means like once in 3 month.. or 4 month even. Once he does that, he wants to do like 2 or 3 times on the same night. Then another months go by.

I get really embrassed asking for sex when I want it.
Last time I talk about it, I put it like "we are not having sex for long time, and it bothers me.. I feel that you don't want me." Then, he got offended and said like "I'm not in the mood. Don't pressure me"

I felt rejected and cried.
It's really really difficult for me to talk about sex with my husband .
A couple of days ago, I suddenly started to want to have him, and I day dreamed about it. I was excited to see him again at night after work, I waited unitl kids went to sleep. Then, I went to my husband, ended up not being able to ask anything.

Since then, I think about it a lot. Even his voice turn me on and littery make my heart pound. And, I still cannot say anything to him.

Please help.

Replies(2)

Beagle

Re: How can I ask my husband for sex?

2 years ago

Blueberry: I'm not going to claim to have an easy solution for you but I hope to give you some things to consider. The first step is to start ruling things out.

1. Is he suffering from clinical depression or stress?

2. Have their been significant changes in his mood, personality, or behavior in other areas?

3. Has his behavior toward you changed other than in the bedroom? Are there non-sex-related problems in the relationship? If so, which came first-the sexual problems or the non-sexual problems? Are you fighting about money or kids?

4. Is he on any medication that could suppress sexual desire? Antidepressants and meds for blood pressure are notorious for this?

5. Have you tried blatantly seducing him? How did he respond?

6. Is a medical condition, though unlikely, been ruled out? For example, low testosterone can produce low sex drive, depression, and unexplained weight gain in men.

7. Could he be on a medication or experiencing a condition that could cause ED and he doesn't want you to know?

This is just to give you some possibilities to consider. Chances are it's not because he finds something "wrong" with you. chances are it's something else. You just have to start opening doors until you find the one it's hiding behind.

blueberry..

Re: How can I ask my husband for sex?

2 years ago

Dear Beagle;

Thank you very much for your sincere input.
I am very happy to find this place, where I can talk honestly about this issue, and received by sincere response, without getting ridiculed or superficial comments.

Our relationship (my husband, I would call 'A' here and I) has started weird.

I got pregnant at the first few times when we had sex.
At that time, I was not even dating with him. I was involved in miserable 5 years long relationship, where my boyfriend(B) at that time was sharing an apartment with me, but had 2 of other girlfriends.

After sleeping with A for the first night, I did not pursuit the relationship, because I felt terrible 'cheating', or whatever it was, I felt it was wrong. So I carried out pregnancy without speaking to A. I finally moved out of the apt with that boyfrient(B), though. I was going to give up the baby for adoption, while A decided to want to raise the baby. There was a complecated story, and we tried to work thing out for the sake of baby, and we got married when my son was 1 years old, mainly so that I can get a green card, and make sure I will be able to stay in US legally.

My point here is, I never really dated him before having my son.
We never did wedding, or honey moon.
My husband's frequency of wanting sex seems like sometimes a lot, and then sometimes very less, it seems. It seems, my desire of wanting became stronger through the years. Until my husband, I never got on top. I never had such deep joy with sex before him. As time goes by, and working out our bitterness about the begining of the relationship, and forming a "family", becoming to trust him as someone who will be there for me no matter what.

It seems his desire became less around the time I became pregnant with my second daughter. He wouldn't want to do it for 6 month almost, and I got really upset.

I myself had clinical depression, before.
I would not say he is clinically depressed.

I don't think his behavior toward me has changed much.
Both of us probably is more stressed out from 1 year old baby. And we have no family member who can baby sit for us, so I know many marriage counseling say " have a date alone without kids", but we can't unless we pay a lot, and we cannot afford the money.

I have not seduced him.
I want to but I'm too afraid.
One time, I wore a sexy thing, but I could not go into the room to show him. I even wrap up myself with a bath towel..

I can't even say like " I want to make love". plain simple.
I sat next to him, thinking I was going to touch his part.. but all I could was to ask him to hold me. He would ask "what ?" and I cannot say it or do anything.

It doesn't make sense. I would buy these stuff from Victoria secret, and don't mind wearing in front of mirror. I am not in the best shape as before, but I don't think it's bad either. My biggest frustration is that, I can't express this feeling to him.