Ask Dan & Jennifer

OK, first of all, let me say take a deep breath, relax. It'll be OK. Her sexual past isn't something you need to be worried about. The more relaxed and nonchalant you are about it the easier it will be for her. It sounds like she was abused in her first relationship, and this may be something she's not over yet, despite having been in a relationship with someone after that. She may need some time to heal emotionally before having sex again, but you should be there to love and support her. Just because someone has had sex with another person in the past doesn't mean they've been ruined to ever enjoy sex with someone new. In fact, there's nothing saying either of those two guys ever pleased her, especially if she was crying during sex. Women are special creatures when it comes to sex, it's probably only 20% physical and 80% mental/emotional. Some women have never had an orgasm. It's not always a physical thing, women need a man who's patient, responsive to her needs, and loving. I may be getting ahead of myself here, because I'm not sure sex is what you two really need quite yet. As far as you getting beyond her past, Dan and Jennifer have a video dealing with a similar situation...


Basically, she's had sex, she can't un-have sex, it's done, it's in the past, get over it. That's sort of blunt, but that's the most basic thing.

Now, you need to communicate. If you both decide sex is something you're both ready for, then ease into it. Even being a virgin you have a chance to give her the best she's ever had. Get her prepared emotionally, as well as physically. Kiss, caress, explore her body. Whisper sweet nothings in her ear, then maybe nibble her ear a little :) Spend time with her, not just her vaginal area, but her whole body... be responsive to her body cues.. every once in a while you might want to say "You like that baby?" but don't over do it... talk to her, find out what she wants. That should set her up mentally to have mind-blowing sex. Oh, and seeing as you're a virgin, this is advice I'd heard my guy friends giving each other.. you may want to masturbate before you get with her so you don't find yourself cutting things short... I don't know if it really works, but my guy friends swore by it.. Guys, help me out here if I'm wrong...
Don't dwell on her past, just your present together.

Man, i feel your pain. I may not have experienced exactly what you did but I know how you feel. When i started dating my girlfriend, now fiance, I learned early on about things she had done with other guys. At first it didn't bother me, but as time wore on and i grew closer to her it began to bother me. As we grew more intimate that bother turned into something that made me fell, in a sense, insane. I would think about it all the time. What did they do? Where did he touch her? Did she enjoy it? Constantly images would float around my mind driving me anywhere from a depressed state to sheer anger. Sometimes i would question her about it. I knew it was not right and it was unhealthy for our relationship but i did it anyway. I wanted details i wanted to know what happened, I just couldn't take it. I even drove her to tears at one point because she hated talking about it and she was ashamed of some of the things she had done.

Now I know all this can make me sound like a insane control freak to someone who doesn't understand. I am a fairly normal guy and if you met me would never guess that any of this had ever happened. At first i thought i was alone in this but I came to find out that, though not common, this happens to more than you would think. The first thing that helps in removing this from the relationship is realizing you are not alone in this and no you aren't crazy.

I too lost my virginity to my fiance. There are a lot of powerful emotions that stem from that one event. It affects some more than others. Those emotions coming in at a somewhat unstable emotional state can cause problems. Let me explain. When my problem occurred I was not quite sure of myself. I was wondering if the other guys were better then me. I didn't feel secure in our relationship when we became intimate. I am the serious relationship kind of guy, but i wasn't ready for all the emotions from a personal stand point. The next step is to figure out why you keep having these feelings. DO NOT blame how you feel on her. She is not what caused you to feel this way. In almost all cases there are problems in our own lives and emotional states of being that are conjuring these feelings. I'm not saying you are insecure that was just my problem. Look inside yourself and find the root. What happened is not the problem. The problem was there before you even met your girlfriend.

Finally one of the most important things you need to do is stay positive. Think of all the fun and joy she has brought you. Compliment her and tell her how much you care about her. Strengthen your relationship. Work hard at it. The strength in the relationship will in turn help you and comfort the negative feelings and thoughts you have. Stay strong and positive and you will make it and when you do your relationship will soar to new heights. You can do this.

Nate

There's not much we can add to Nate's outstanding advice, but we can suggest another way of looking at the situation. Assuming your current girlfriend is particularly good in bed, then you are the beneficiary of the skills she learned before she met you. Try to appreciate those skills for the physical pleasure it provides for you.

Also, instead of freaking out about how her previous boyfriends touched her, simply ask her how she likes to be pleased. Because of her previous experience, she should have a good idea of what she likes in bed, so you should take advantage of that to improve your skills as a lover.

On a woman's side, I can understand. The difference between my husband and myself is the the number of sex partners. I have had more than him. Most of mine were not great. We talked about it because at first he was bothered by it. But, if she loves you, she wont be thinking about them when you have sex. She will be to focused on you. And remember, she is human. We all make mistakes we are not proud of. She already has to live with them. Don't make it harder on her. She seems to be lucky to find someone to appreciates her as a whole, and not her body.