How can I forgive and forget?

Love and Relationships Cheating, Infidelity, and Affairs

in Love and Relationships » Cheating, Infidelity, and Affairs • 2 years ago

My husband and I have known each other for years. We dated in high school, broke up when he went into the Marines. We got back together 3 year later and a year later was married after he got out of the Marnies. Nine months later, one reason was because of money but dont get me wrong, I joined the Army and left for boot camp. After boot camp, I had to go to school for my job. During the time I was gone, my husband had an affair. I was crushed. I found out by going through his text messages. He confessed, cried, and begged me to forgive him. He even dumped her in front of me. I stayed with him, made it through school, and we moved to my first duty station. The problem is that I am sometimes think about it and it bothers me. I don't know how to control the feelings and gain trust in him. The other woman contacted him and wants to be his friend, but he won't respond back. I know he is sorry for what he has done, but not sure what would happen if I deploy. How can I mend our relationship and forgive and forget?

Replies(4)

Beagle

Re: How can I forgive and forget?

2 years ago

Tab: My heart goes out to you.

In truth, we can never know what another human being will do in a given situation. If there is ever a case for a second chance after an affair, this is it. He has shown remorse, immediately broken off contact, and dumped her in front of him. When I was a marriage counselor, I worked with a lot of couples where infidelity was an issue. I required them to write a letter burning bridges with the other person, and I mailed the letter. It sounds like he has already done that. He obviously has remorse, and dumped the other woman like a bad habit, which is what he should have done.

An affair is always a possibility. That possibility goes up whenever one spouse is gone for a long time. I have a counseling practice near a military base, and I see that all the time. Every time deployment returns, I have wives in my office wanting to know how to tell their soldiers there is someone else.

Your husband was wrong, and he obviously knows it. He has made amends the best he can. If you sit around trying to guess whether or not he'll cheat while you're away, you'll run yourself crazy. I think the best way you can find comfort is within yourself, by knowing that you will end the marriage should you learn of any infidelity. Right now, I think you can say he made a bad mistake and learned his lesson. If it happens after being caught, he has a character flaw and you probably need to move on.

This is a conversation you and he ultimately have to have. "How can I trust you while I'm deployed." I think you need to be upfront about your fears; he needs to know what you're thinking and feeling.

I know you've probably considered just ditching him and starting over. The problem is that you can't guarantee that a "new" man won't cheat. This husband has shown remorse and made amends. Given this experience, I think he is actually probably less likely to cheat than another man.

Ultimately, when spouses are apart, they end up trusting the word of the other person. The other person betraying that trust is ultimately a possibility that we accept. If we care, the possibility of being hurt is always going to be present.

I'm going to send you a link to some information that can help. It's from a Christian counseling organization, so if that offends you please just don't open it. I hope this helps. Best wishes for your marriage and peace of mind.

Should I forgive my spouse for infidelity if he/she asks to come back?

theresa_d..

they say what does not kill you will make you stronger

2 years ago

no strong marriage is built without some nasty bumps in the road.your husband obviously loves you and like beagle said is probably the least likely to re-offend than any other man.sometimes it takes something like this to make someone realize how close they came to losing the one person they loved.realistically speaking no one ever really seems to immediately stop and say "whoops i have a wife" as soon as temptation passes by...instead they temp the hands of fate and linger in the line of fire if for no other reason than to get a little bit of that feeling you used to have when you first find yourself attracted to someone.....not all of us are strong enough to get the hell out while it is still innocent.he confessed before you would have found out....this is probably the biggest indication that he loves you enough to never do it again....the guilt was eating him up....not because of possibly getting caught,but because of the burden of being a betrayer to a woman who loves him .

he knows you will always be suspicious.you can say you forget and forgive but we all know that is completely impossible.

a marriage that goes through hell can come out the other end stronger.....let this marriage be a success story....yeah you could leave but then what?start over?re-marry?...you wont trust anyone anymore even if you have no reason ,a wound like this always leaves a scar.....hes shown hes willing to live under scrutiny,and that is rare......believe it or not in my opinion i think your a lucky girl

tab1107

Re: How can I forgive and forget?

2 years ago

Thank you the new insight. I will try to remember everything that has been said. Lets hope this makes for a successful marriage. I feel more at ease to leave and do my job.