Ask Dan & Jennifer

Tara,
Wow it sounds like you are really taking ownership of your part in the failure of your marriage. Good work. Unfortunately, if he isn't willing to try to work it out between you there is not a lot you can do. It is possible to kill someone's love for you by not giving them what they need.

But, regardless of how this marriage works out; you have a lot to gain here. You have to figure out why you treated this man you say is "amazing" this way. Why did you need to push him away? My experience tells me that you must have been really afraid of intimacy. What has happened in your past to make you fear being close to someone emotionally? When you can answer that and address the false beliefs you have about yourself and your own value then you have a chance of doing things differently with whoever you end up with.

I suggest you get yourself into some therapy to begin to unravel the why's of your behaviors. It is possible that when he sees that you are really taking it seriously that there is something about you that needs work, then he will reconsider. Just saying you know you did wrong is not enough. Working actively to change it might be. Invite him, at some point, into therapy, to help you get more insight into why you behaved as you did. He might be willing to help if you show him you are willing to work in therapy regardless of his participation.

He sounds very hurt and angry. Listen to his feelings, validate them and show empathy for them. Own your part by discovering how you got where you are. Then, respect that he has to do what he has to do - even if that means leaving you.

(i've never been married, and if society doesn't change, never will be, so my opinion my not be the most... experience based. but here's my speculation anyway.) From what my limited knowlege of marriage is, its a two way street. There usually isn't any one thing that one person can do to permanently dissolve a marriage. (you know, like if you went and killed all of your husband's friends and family, that may be grounds for divorce.)
Odds are, neglect wasn't the reason he divorced you... (or atleast all of it. you shouldn't take it all on yourself anyway. unless of course, you killed all of his friends and family. then definitely. take it all on yourself.) He may be afraid of commitment, who knows, but the worst mentality to take is "its all my fault...i didn't do enough". My mom's first husband was abusive, and that was the mentality she took (until her parents snapped her out of it). If he REALLY DOES NOT want to marry you, unfortunately there isn't much you can do about that, and its unfortunate that children are involved, but remember there are many, many fish in the sea. odds are that a few of them will be more than willing to settle down with you and your four kids.

(again. my speculation. i could be totally off here.)

you have owned up to what you believe to be your mistakes. tell us this though, was it always you being the 'lazy' person?
i have to aggree with both responses here. you didn't state as to why you would have become comfortable in your relationship to act the way you did.
marriage takes 2....
both parties our respsonible in the upkeep of the relationship. between both of you is a underling aspect of whom is responsible for what. when one fautlers, it's up to the other to carry that responsiblitly.
it would be best for you not to just submit the defeat here. you have all ready admitted your faults. you owned up to your half of the problem.
remember that you can not control your parnter. if he is done, then you can not expect him to change his mind just becuase you 'promise to be better'.
take your lesson learned and become a better person for your children. they really are the one's whom are going to suffer the brunt of the relationship. don't try to be the better woman for him, do it for your children.
time will tell if you and him can be a functional family unit ( being in marriage or living in common law).
please please please remember that children are the innocent victims in relationship problems! as mothers and fathers, we are their only protectors in life. it's up to us to show them love and a propper upbringing. when we get stuck, they live it like a movie in person. too many times we actually let them suffer just becuase we are suffering!
good luck

Thanks to everyone that replied although I was hoping for something a little more optimistic. A couple of you were asking why things were the way that they were and it really has nothing to do with my feelings for him and the realtionship. Like I said I love him tremendously. Three years ago our oldest was diagnosed with Autism. It's been a really big struggle for me ever since. I always wanted to be a mother and I haven't enjoyed motherhood with our son. I have struggled with depression and there were times when I didn't care about anything. This became a huge problem when I left my well paying job to raise our children and wasn't doing all of the things that I should have been doing since it was my "job". I didn't enjoy being a stay at home and everyday was a struggle with my son. The girls are amazing and I don't know what I would do without them but as much as I love them I still couldn't get through the funk that I was in. I was tired and burnt out and really didn't care about making my husband happy. I often felt like I was drowning. So anyways that's whay started it all and when my husband left his job to start a new career after the baby was born I was expected to bring in some income. I didn't want to leave the baby but I dreaded taking in children and doing daycare with my son so I didn't try as hard as I could have to support him in this career move. Now she is almost 6 months old and I am ready to go back to work but it's too late for us now. He is convinced that things will go back to the way that they were before but I know that they won't because if I am working out of the home I will have a sense of self again and I will have a break from all of my son's special needs. I hope that gives everyone some more insight into the situation.

Hardest thing in the world to do sometimes is owning up and taking responsibility. Looking in the mirror and seeing who you are can really be a hard pill to swallow. You've taken the first step which in my personal opinion is probably the biggest first step in which you've done already and taken that responsibility for the sole blame.

You are willing to change yes? Time to prove it. Actions speak louder then words. You obviously have the desire and the motivation now and a darn good inspiration to change, so now's the time to prove it and show him you mean business.

It can be tough and realize that men use these broad statements all the time in breakups. We like to put it into perspective by claiming things with the terms of always and never. Sometimes there's a good warrant for a partner to claim "you will never change"... and "you always do this or that"

I think there is a lot more information that is missing here but it sounds to me like this has been building up for a while. You sound sincere enough that you are going to change and I think in my own opinion the best thing you can do for the sake of your marriage and your children involved is to take some action now and make some bold moves to proving to him how you've changed and how things are going to be completely different this time.

I'm willing to bet he will not only be receptive and encouraging towards this but will also reciprocate some changes himself as well that you may seek in him.

Sincerely,
Mac

Thanks Mac, that makes a lot of sense. I've also come to the conclusion that I should wait to try and get back together with him until after everything has settled down. We are selling the house, I need to find a job and a place for the kids and I to live and I need to get my life in order. Once all that has been dealt with I will be in a better position to try and win him over. Right now we both have too many things to be stressed about and angry over. I think once I am working and have a place that is totally mine it will be easier to show him that I'm able to take responsibility and be a better and more productive person than I was. Make sense? Wish me luck :)