Ask Dan & Jennifer

Dandelion,
This is a touchy subject for most people. The question of space in a relationship is not new but unfortunately is hard to determine if the request is just for space or to break up.

In many instances, a need for space doesn't require the couple to break up. The fact that your boyfriend and you broke up adds more complexity to the situation.

This is an excellent time for you to take a step back and take stock of yourself. It's impossible to control the behaviors of other people but we can truly master ourselves. If you realize you turned into the "clingy girlfriend" is that who you truly want to be? What beliefs and behaviors led you in that direction and is that how you want to act in a relationship?

My advice is to let your ex know how you feel. Lay it out on the table and don't be afraid to be humble in your approach. Be prepared that he may not respond to you, but at least you let him know how you felt, what you wanted, and that you desire to work on the relationship. At this point the ball is in his court and you have done everything you can.

As usual, I agree with Jason.

Is this a question of “needing space” or wanting to “break up”? These are two very different things.

The best you can do is to let your ex know how you feel – apologize for being a clingy girlfriend.

Be ready for his answer and to accept the answer that he gives you. You cannot force him to come back to you.

Dandelion,
Sweetie, the real question is what made you so clingy? I can tell you from my personal experience - clingy behavior comes from fear. If you don't really believe you are good enough for him you will be petrified he will leave you. That fear creates insecure behaviors like clinging. If you don't believe you are good enough you will push anyone of quality away. Your low self esteem may be covered up, but only someone with self doubts becomes clingy. Work on loving yourself, flaws and all. Figure out why you are special. You are, because we all are, in unique and wonderful ways. You might need to get some help with this through therapy... spend some time and resources on yourself and when you become confident, if he is the right guy- he'll be back, if not the right one will see how terrific you are. The love of your life has to be you first, your lover second. ;)

Simple insecurities can make us clingy. You want what you cannot have and that causes some ironic human behaviors in us all. The text messages the phone calls the pleading the begging or even the emergency plea. All these things obviously don't work and you are absolutely right that you have probably done some damage to pushing him away.

Take some confidence however that you are now doing the correct thing by giving him his space but you're in the panic stage. You need a plan if you are going to work some strategies that work to get your ex back. There is a simple magic trick that will get him to return you phone call.

Playing on self interest and curiosity will get him to return your call. Example, if you have already left a message that you were sorry that is fine. Apologize briefly and leave it at that, don't over do it, but simply let him know you are sorry for the way you have acted and would hope to someday remain friends. The stage is set perfectly for you now as hopefully you have not called him again and have not been stalking him neither. (this can push him away even farther)

Think of something creative that he's done for you that you are thankful for. Then you leave him a message such as this... "hey there, I wanted to thank you for what you did for me, I've had somewhat of an epiphany lately. Anyway I just wanted to thank you in person if I ever get the chance. Chat soon."

see what this does? It makes him wildly curious what the thing is he did for you that you're thankful about. It plays on human psychology to be curious and the message is a good one so it plays on self interest. He will feel good about himself and it's going to drive him crazy to figure it out. This plays on both human curiosity AND self interest. Combine the two and you have a very powerful "magic" trick to getting him to return your call

HOWEVER, this will only do more damage if you don't have a solid plan or strategy. You have to develop your plan or strategy and lay it all out before you even leave a message such as that. You must first think of something that he has done that you are thankful for. Make it relevant and make it take effect.

The next thing you need to think about is the things you have done wrong that pushed him away and start to change some of those actions. You've done the right thing by admitting it and realizing this, but now it's time to put the new change into action. There are several types of relationship advice books that can help you with this if you do a quick google search on it.

Rooting for you,
Mac

you broke up? well i've never dated before but i've seen many relationships build and fall, so let me try. the thing is, you have got to have control over yourself (which looks like you've already have) and learn that even that the guy broke up with you because you got a bit clingy. we men sometimes can be a bit selfish in the process of dating but that is normal really, there are times that he want to do something else other than to be with you all the time. sometimes you need to let him go do what he wants every once in a while but don't let it get to a point where he's doing it everyday. (it's to avoid cheating) or maybe do something together that you two are both interested in. well i hope this is useful to you: 'cause i never dated. :)