How do i get my fiancee to think of "us" not just "herself" in the relationship.

in Love and Relationships » Relationship Advice • 3 years ago

Hi I write to ask for advice for my fiancee who has is begining to show a shelfish side. I fell in love with my fiancee on the 12th of Jan this year and it was clear that her personality seemed genuine. She has been in Japan for 2 weeks becuase of her Grandfathers death. She has change a little, but last night it was different, she is not the person i fell in love in the first place. She has become selfish. Alot of things happened, i resigned from a job because of unsafe work environment, and owe her some money, but that is not the cause of this selfishness. I have thought about everything that we do with her involovement, not just me, to me it is "us" in a relationship two way street that is the only way it works. But to her she has been thinking about every topic for herself. I think its her mother in japan too, there tradition is to listen to their parents, not for the children to think for themselves.

The example of this is that Perth in Western Australia has more Parks and Gardens work than Melbourne, and i want to move there. First she said yeah ok sounds good, now she said last night that she wants to stay in japan and work no study. Where do i stand i asked she didn't answer the question. I think she is getting family pressure...

What do I do? Can u Dan and Jennifer produce a video of advice that i can show her please. All advice from other members are more than welcome.

Thank You: Tom B.

Replies(2)

melody_br..

Egocentric girlfriend?

3 years ago

I can hear how much you care about her and how confused you are at her behavior. Try thinking about this from her perspective. You are not her family, her parents are. Her loyalty is with them, even if she has feelings for you. Letting go of her loyalty to them before she is committed to you may feel like too much of a stretch. This does not mean she will always feel this way. But pressuring her to listen to you and not her family will do nothing but widen the distance between you.

You have two problems here (at least) and the first is that your girlfriend is of a different culture and has different values than you. If she values work and family over self and enjoyment and you value your pursuit of happiness above family and work than you have a problem. This does not mean she is "selfish" - just that she has different values than you. That's the first problem.

Second, you see her need as being "selfish" and yours as being for the two of you. Her being accepted and honored by her family is apparently of extreme importance to her. If you are feeling threatened by her connection with her family then she is going to experience you as a threat to her connection with her family and she is going to distance from you. She needs her family and you threaten that need by making it clear you think she should do what you want rather than what her family wants.

Who knows what she really wants? She certainly doesn't and the more you push her to choose between you and her family the harder it will be for her to know what it is she wants. She needs her family. You are not yet family.

Intimacy requires that each person in the connection fully accepts each others rights to feel differently about things. It also requires that each of you have respect for each other, empathy for each other, and that you each take ownership of your own needs.

Listen to her feelings. Respect that she has the need to remain connected to them. Have empathy for her fear of doing things differently than her family would have her do. Let her know how you feel about her and how you want your decision to be made but don't force that way of being on her. Respect her to make up her own mind. Give her time. Give yourself time. You may decide that your values are too different but you don't know that yet. Be patient. Listen. Be compassionate with her needs while not abandoning your own.

paul_pers..

Re: How do i get my fiancee to think of "us" not just "herself" in the relationship.

3 years ago

Dear Tom,

Please accept my answer to you in the spirit in which it is given.

-- You can not control another person. It is our ego which causes us to try but it is futile. The ego causes our suffering (read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle for details).
-- Love is unconditional acceptance of another. Anything less is not love.
-- Cultural differences can complicate matters but ultimately, it all comes down to love.
-- Love does not mean "I accept you but only when you are the way I want you to be." That is conditional and therefore, not love. There is no "wiggle room" on this.
-- If you can not love her for the way that she is now (with family interference and all), then it is your ego that is causing your own suffering... not her and her family. They simply are themselves... and it is your perception colored by your ego that is causing you pain in this relationship. Learn about your ego and be set free from your suffering. If that is not for you at this time, then perhaps it's better to find another mate that is easier for you to accept (love).
-- The Bottom Line: If the positive aspects in your relationship far outweigh the negatives, then accept the negatives as something that you can't change and learn to accept her as she is... baggage and all! If not, then let her go and find another relationship that you are ready to deal with in it's totality. You are not bad nor wrong for doing either. The choice is yours.
-- PS - No one ever said that life is filled with easy choices!
-- Hint: We never grow from only making easy choices...
-- Final Word: I'm sorry for your hardship and suffering. I care. Please let me know how you are doing.