How do I get over the break-up?

in Love and Relationships » Break Up and Divorce • 2 years ago

We were dating for over a year and he was the guy I feel I've loved and trusted the most in my life (he still is), but the relationship went downhill because of our insecure personalities (he was too perfectionist and I was too dependent) and two weeks ago he broke up with me. At first, I was devastated, because I didn't want this to happen... but then I realized how lucky I am for having so much love and joy in my life (my friends, my family, my loved ones), for having an amazing job which I love and the opportunity to study something I really like... BUT THEN I saw that I don't need anyone to be happy, my happiness is no one's responsibility but mine, and that makes me feel so strong! because I know I can be SO happy by myself! I know I'm a strong girl and I can be even better.

However I still feel bad because of the break-up, I really wish I could have my ex-bf back, because I have strong feelings for him, but I'm sure he still has many things to fix in his life, and I respect that. I just want this feelings to go away but he's such an important person to me, I just don't know how to get over him. Everybody tells me that it was a very strong relationship, so it's normal to have this strong feelings, and I just need to be patient.

I don't hate him at all, but it hurts me so much that he has broken up with me. He was always looking for the greener grass on the other side and he told me he loves me but right now he doesn't feel the same way, he feels everything has fade away.

I don't want to go back to the past relationship, I know it's over and I'm happy for that because now I can improve myself, by myself... but I still love him and want to be with him so we could start something new, but right now that's almost impossible.

I know I don't need him to be happy, but I don't know if he will return my love again, and that hurts me. I would appreciate if you could give me some advices on how to get over the break-up.

Thank you in advance and excuse me if you find any mistake when writing.

Replies(11)

Beagle

Re: How do I get over the break-up?

2 years ago

When I was in a real similar situation, a man told me "You can't lose what you never had." That made me mad as hell. After my snorting fit, I realized it made me mad only because it was true. You're going to grieve, and there's no way around that. We grieve any loss, whether it's the death of a person, a relationship, or a dream. What you're grieving is all the dreams you had about the future with him and you now know those won't come true.

For right now, break off ALL contact with him. Put away everything that reminds you of him. Pictures, letters, the teddy bear he won you at the fair, everything! Don't destroy them, just put them way out of sight, where you won't even see them. A storage unit or attic would be great.

In years to come, you will come to have fond memories of this relationship. But right now, you've got to go through the pain. As an internet friend says, "the only way out is through."

As a veteran of three broken hearts, I can tell you you will come through this. Stay as busy as you can, but don't hesitate to just take time to grieve if that's what you need. Start building your (female) support group. Get them together and have a pity party if you need to. I know you don't feel like doing it, but it will help you feel better. But, the ultimate healer will be time. You won't feel this way forever.

Hit us back if you need support, or just someone to listen, or read as the case may be.

vecita

Thank you

2 years ago

It's been almost three weeks since we broke up.

I feel better now, I feel more independent and strong, I feel I just need myself to smile again. However I'm still in love with him and I feel I can't help it.. we see each other at the university almost everyday in every class! At first it was very uncomfortable, but lately he's been a little more friendly, I guess time helps... when I'm with my friends they tell me I look different and prettier, and I feel that I have the right to be happy again, and I'll keep working on that..

The problem is that even though I've thought about all the things that went wrong in the relationship and all the things I want in a new one, I'm in love with him and still miss him... It's not an infatuation, I really want him to be happy, that's why I've done nothing to get him back yet.. but I don't know what to do! Once I made the big mistake of letting go someone I really liked because I was afraid of being rejected, but that person was afraid too and didn't tell me anything... he was that guy! I don't want to make the same mistakes again, I'd rather try something for my love than wondering "what would have happened...".. but I don't know if I should wait a little more... Could you give me some advices on this?

nova_danj..

Re: How do I get over the break-up?

2 years ago

There isn't going to be a right or wrong answer to this and no decision you make will be easy. No matter what choice you make in your situation, you're going to end up wondering what would've happened if you made the other choice. Jenn's advice for a situation like yours is to "follow your heart." I think at this point, that is the option for you to take. However, no matter what you decide on, do NOT look back and think to yourself "what if I had done this" or "what if I hadn't done that." Regret will only make things harder for you.

vecita

Now I know what to do

2 years ago

You're right YourEternalRest... Someone just told me: "Actions may not always bring happiness but there is no happiness without some action". The worst thing already happened and I have nothing to lose.

I'll write to you soon and tell you how all this ends up.
Thank you very much! :)

nova_danj..

Re: How do I get over the break-up?

2 years ago

Good luck to you and please let us know how things work out. What you have quoted is a quote that I've not heard before but I like it very much.

vecita

Now what??

2 years ago

Yesterday I sent him an email... I told him that I hope everything's okay with him and I feel sure when I say I'm fine with the break-up, because now we have more time for ourselves (and we really needed it) and this is a great time to learn more about ourselves, but I've thought it well over and I decided to ask him "are you willing to start a new connection?"...

A few minutes later he replied to my email and told me thank you for the email, and that he was sorry for making me feel bad and that didn't mean it at all.. Then he told me he never ever meant to fell out with me at all, he just thought it was better to stay distant and that at some point he still needs it, but he would like to start a new connection as friends and take up the friendship again slowly.

Right now I'm like... "umm.. so? now what?" :confused:

How should I take this? does this mean I have to resign myself to this and give up or not? :(

nova_danj..

Re: How do I get over the break-up?

2 years ago

I'm not sure why you're confused. Didn't you make up your mind before you told him what you told him on the E-mail? I'm also not sure why you decided to do this through E-mail and not face-to-face. Is this a long distance relationship? And if it is, did I miss that earlier?

vecita

Re: How do I get over the break-up?

2 years ago

I just didn't know whether connecting again as "friends" would mean that there's any opportunity to get back or not, or if he just wants us to stay as friends and that's all.

I decided to do this through email because I thought it would be better because it was going to be less stressful and I didn't know if I was going to see him again at the university until January (classes are suspended here).

I've though it well, and decided to give him his time and space. I'll spend my vacations going out with my friends and enjoying my life. I don't know if he'll approach to me again soon, but I won't give up on my life.

Beagle

Re: How do I get over the break-up?

2 years ago

You're making a very wise decision.

vecita

Re: How do I get over the break-up?

2 years ago

I know that I already made up my mind.. but it's really hard.. I really want to be with him, I would wait for him if there's any signal he still loves me, but he doesn't talk to me and I do the same with him... should I talk to him? should I give him more space? How do I know what to do to feel better? How should I feel? :confused:

Beagle

Re: How do I get over the break-up?

2 years ago

If you've truly decided to end the relationship, the only way you're going to heal is to break off contact entirely. You can't heal if you keep reopening the wound. Maybe after a few years, you can be friends, but you need time to heal.