Ask Dan & Jennifer

How old are you two?

I assume he broke up with her?

Did she start to date you right after it ended with him?

What kind of guy is he, if you know?

I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what she wants at this moment. This is one of those situations where it's best to back off but stay in contact and just see where things go. She needs to resolve her feelings about this ex before she's ready for another relationship. What you want to avoid is making her your emotional support system, because she's too flighty at this point. You need to establish activities with friends and see other girls so that's she's not the focal point of your life. She's just not stable enough for commitment at this point.

I'm 20 and shes 23. He did break up with her after 2 years. They broke up September 8 and we got together November 9.

She went and seen him last night and he told her that 'maybe' they have another chance. I don't know what to do, it's breaking my heart over and over again.

Look, man to man, you need to take the boot you're wanting her to give him and give it to her. She needs to know that you're not going to play second fiddle.

When I was starting to date, my mom told me that the way to make a girl lose respect for a guy is for her to see "that she can do him any way she wants to." You need to stop calling, stop emailing, and let's see if she misses you then.

Oh I have man, she made it through half a day. I told her lets see how long she can go without talking to me and she started calling like 5 hours later, I didn't answer until late that night. I really don't know what to do.

I can't just give her the boot cause I love her more than anything, I have loved before but not like this. I guess I should just wait around and see what happens.

What you're doing is basically agreeing to be a doormat. In your next relationship, remember how this feels so you never make this mistake again.

Here is a link to an excellent article by Alex Strausberg. He tells it like it is.


Recovering From Being a “Nice” Guy | Inner Game Reframe

He never was a jerk to her, he just doesn't want to be with her. I know he really doesn't but he just don't want to tell her. She wants to move on but she just says that she isn't over him, she has tried to be but she can't be with me when she still thinks about him when we are together. She told me that sometimes when I hold her she wishes it was him.

Guy, what you are doing is giving her emotional support and enabling her to continue this dysfunctional relationship.

That wasn't the part I was wanting you to see. It's when we fall all over ourselves trying to please a woman so she'll like us. See, I've done what you're doing. That's one of those situations where

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

I realize now that what I was actually doing was enabling the girl to continue the dysfunctional relationship by providing emotional support. That's not what you want to hear, but that's the way it is. She's using your emotional support to help her pursue this guy. That's wrong for both of you. I've seen my female friends do this to guys, and I've had girls do this to my male friends. You need to stop propping her up while she pursues this hopeless relationship.

I doubt what I'm saying is going to make a difference now. I hope you think of it on your next relationship, though.

I haven't changed for her to like me at all.

Now she tells me that she feels like he is more like her bestfriend. She just needs a little time to be single and alone since she wasn't single very long after they broke up.

I mean really if it was going to work between them would he have broke up with her and told her that it was her, and he didn't want to be with her....?

She told him last night that she knew they wouldn't ever have another chance, and he said I didn't say that.

So do you think it's never going to work with him? What do you think? Will she get over this and be happy with me again but not be thinking of him.

She said if he would tell her that they aren't going to be anything but friend then she would be fine and be able to move on.

I don't know. Ultimately, accepting disrespect dooms a relationship. She may decide you're the one she wants to see. But, that's after she get's over him.

Right now, if the two of you hook up, you're "Rebound man." Those never work out. I've tried that one to.

Actually, a lot of my posts are "I've done this. Don't do it."

I have sit her and talked to her eye to eye and she wants to move on, she just wants to be totally over him. She said talking to him has helped, and she tells me that she doesn't want to lose me.

Okay, one night we were talking on the phone and she just starts to cry. I said sweetie whats wrong, she said "i'm falling in love with you" in such a sincere way. She said I didn't know I could be feeling this again and i'm so scared. I promised her that I would never leave her, and she has done so much for me. Neither one of has changed for us to like eachother more, I think she just got scared and felt like "is it okay to move on?" Do you get what i'm saying?

I know this may not be fair to me but after all the relationships i've been through none have been like this. I was in one for a little over 3 years and I never felt like this one time. This girl means to much to me to just give up and move on cause I really can't, I just have to sit back I guess and let things be the way they are meant to be. In the pieces of my heart that I have I know I am the one she wants she just has to really get over him. I gave her 99% of my heart, she has it now...it's a little crumbly right now but I trusted her enough to give it to her like I had no one else so I can trust her now not to smash it.

These are tapping techniques that release trapped negative emotions.

Get a free ebook with diagrams at EFT Home - World Center for EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques)

Thank you for everyones answers!

I got one of my friends thats a girl to come have dinner with me tonight and my phone rang...it was her (the girl). She was all mad and stuff, I was like you wanted to be just friends until you could figure everything out, you wanted this, not me!

Then she cried and went on to say "i'm so confused, I want to be with you so bad I just can't figure out why I can't get over him". "I just am so jelous of other girls seeing you, I don't want to be without you but I feel it's wrong to be with you and still think of him sometimes."

What should she do? Does anyone have any sugestions? I don't know how to help her.?

If she wasn't over him, why did she get in a relationship with you?
Why do you want to be with someone who has another man on her mind?
It's a "red flag."
After a lot of pain in the past, i learned to pay attention to red flags.
You're a re-bound. She didn't heal before filling the void with you. After what I went through, I get angry hearing this. I will never allow someone to do this to me again. I'd rather be alone.

Also, if she respects and cares for you, she should have no contact with him. She's doing this because you are allowing it. Did you ever hear of "Boundaries?" What are yours?

Beagle knows what he's talking about.

She doesn't talk to him anymore.

After last night this is all over, she broke down and told me that she was so sorry for doing everything to me and she just really got confused after everything that had been going on. I know this is hard for a lot of you to understand but i've been put through what you are talking about but she wasn't doing this to me to see how much I would give or she could get from me.

After her sister losing her baby, her father having a heart attack everything just got so confusing for her but I thank God that she now uses me as support, a shoulder to cry on. She was afraid to do that because she thought it would scare me off somehow.

I want to thank all of you for responding!