How do I tell my parents I have a Pagan boyfriend which I met at a gay BDSM party?

in Love and Relationships » Relationship Advice • 3 years ago

Hello Readers,
First of all, I am a gay male and am 22 years old, and I have a boyfriend for over 3 years now, and we have decided it was time for our first Handfasting (sort of a Pagan wedding)
We wanted to invite both of our parents, but we realized, we still had not met eachothers parents, merely to avoid 1 big question we don't want to give answer to:
"Where did you two meet?"
We met at a BDSM party, and fell in love immediately, but his parents don't know he is gay, my parents are Christians, and don't know I am Pagan, and both our parents don't know we are into BDSM.
So it's allot of factors we had to hide for over 3 years now, and the burden is harder to bare, lying to our parents.
And it's not exactly a subject to put on the table, between dinner and dessert.
"Hi mom, hi dad, we are gay, engaged in a Pagan wedding oh and hey, we met at a BDSM party" doesn't quite do the trick.
Please dear Dan and Jennifer help me,
I am desperate, and I don't know how much longer I can keep lying.
Sincerely yours, Dave

Replies(2)

Beagle

Re: How do I tell my parents I have a Pagan boyfriend which I met at a gay BDSM party?

3 years ago

Dave: I'm very sorry you are going through this. I don't like the term "Gay" because most people in your situation experience so much pain due to the reaction of larger society. I can't imagine the pain involved in having to hide who I am and who I love.

That being said, you know better than anyone how much your parents can handle. I definitely wouldn't spring it on them and definitely not all at once. We all see our children in a certain way, and it could be easily overwhelming to find out how many assumptions are wrong.

I can understand your feelings about not being able to continue lying. However, not revealing all the details isn't lying. Sometimes it's just an appropriate boundary. Would any purpose be served by letting them know you met at a BDSM party? I'm not sure that's relevant. Wouldn't "We met at a friend's house" or "we met at a party?" be true and sufficient?

You won't gain anything by alienating your parents; which is why I'm encouraging you to proceed slowly and gently. You can always add information later as appropriate. I don't give my parents all the details of my dating life, and I'm not sure you should either. Some things are best left private.

dave_from..

Reply to Beagle

3 years ago

Beagle, first of all, thank you for your response.
The term gay indeed has a certain negative ring to it, because most people misuse the term, in my opinion.
It indeed is quite hard, to hide who you are, for those who we are closest to. And not being able to tell his parents how much i love him, breaks my heart.

Perhaps it indeed is a good idea to tell them in little steps, the shocks of their life, but I am actually so close to them, i am afraid i'd just blab it all out, especially with my mom, we are very close, even though we are on a different spiritual level.

To me it does feel hiding things is as worse as lying to them about it. Especially since i have such a great bond with my mom. But it's also a contradictory feeling, hiding who I am hurts me, but ruining my Christian parents life, is also not what i want.
Telling her we met at a party, instead of a BDSM party, is indeed an option i can find myself comfortable with, since it's full truth.

Easing them into it i however doubt, for his parents the shock of him being gay, can't be lessened, same goes for my parents about me being pagan, especially, since our Handfasting is coming up relatively quick.