Ask Dan & Jennifer

Ask him why he fears getting kicked out. He got kicked out because he was leaking sexual energy outside of the relationship. If he is completely done with that then he should have nothing to worry about. On the other hand, if he isn't quite over doing things like that then he definitely has something to worry about.

I would think twice about getting a house with him before you know you can trust him.

I asked him why he fears I will kick him out again and he responded by saying that he did nothing wrong the first time I kicked him out and is scared that I might get mad at him again or assume he's cheating and put him out on the streets. I'm trying to show him that Ive changed but I think I will take your advice and take things slow and let him come around on his own. My biggest fear is that he will leave me for someone else and I think that's why I kicked him out in the first place. I just feel stupid allowing us to be together without living together. Another reason I'm so impaient is that I talked about this with my dad and he stated that if he's not back by now he will never come back.

Hat,

If I posted on here that my girlfriend was talking with and buying an ex boyfriend presents, what advice would you give me? or

what's the very first thought that would come to mind? Not the answer you would give me but the very first thing that popped into you head?

I don't understand what your saying? So are u saying that I should dump him or learn to trust him again?

What I'm saying is that you seem to be taking a lot of this on your shoulders and ignoring a lot of what he did.

"I fear that he might leave me for someone else" it could be simply just the way you wrote it (tough to tell over the internet some times) but it sounds like you are blaming yourself and the fear for the way things turned out.

is that what you meant ?

At first I did blame him for what he did and never really talked with him about or got his version of the story I just flipped out. But are thinking about it and talking to him about what happended I started to not put much of the blame on him and started to look at the role I played in me putting him out. I don't regret what I did and at that time I had to do what was nessacary. It's just that I feel so supid for being with him and allowing him to stay at his mother's house. It gets me upset because I feel we can't develop as a family with him living with his mother. It gets me so upset because I feel the his reason for not wanting to move back home is a bunch of bull-shit and that he just wants to have that freedom to do what he wants at his mothers house.

He told you that he felt like he did nothing wrong. Despite everything else with you wanting a family etc. do you think it's ok to talk with ex's and buy them gifts?

No, I don't think it's right that he brought his ex-girlfriend a gift and that's why I kicked him out. Now I have moved on from that and accepted him back into my life. I forgave him for what he did but I don't think he forgave me. So what are u saying that I shouldn't have forgave him and accepted him back into my life. Sometimes I feel that way because it's been a year since I kicked him out and he still wants to be in an relationship with me but doesn't want to come home yet. What should I do?

People don't naturally somehow change their ways. They make the choice to change or the choice to stay the same.

If a person doesn't believe that they didn't do anything wrong, like your boyfriend, then they aren't going to change and continue to do what they do. He thinks it's ok to buy his gifts and will continue to do it regardless of how you feel about the situation.

"I don't think he forgave me" Forgive you for what exactly? having self respect? or not letting someone treat you badly? Believe me, you did nothing wrong.

But it doesn't matter if I believe it, you need to believe it. If you don't believe it you will end up getting hurt again.

Not buying an ex-girlfriend a gift is relationship common sense. Everyone knows that doing things like that is not acceptable.

You kicking him out was a natural reaction to what he did. Since, it's common sense to know not to buy ex gfs gifts he knew what the consequences of his actions would be and choose to do it anyways.

Him being upset that you kicked him out is a sign of a victim mentality. Victims never take response-ability for their actions or their consequences. They pretend like things happen to them instead of understanding that those things happened as a result of the choices that they make.

My girlfriend understands that I would stop dating she if she started talking to and buying gifts for an ex. If she chose to do that she would ALSO be choosing to end the relationship.

Because she understands this dynamic she wouldn't be upset if she got dumped because she was the one who decided to end it.

I think what is going on here is an issue of low self esteem and confusion. If you loved or respected yourself a little bit more he wouldn't be in the picture at all. You would respect yourself too much to put up with crap like that.

Another aspect of it is sticking to the choice that you made a year ago. You decided a year ago that it was ok for him to talk with an ex-gf (you make it ok by staying with him)

When you make a choice that goes against your principles (honesty, not flirting with ex's) your self esteem and power will start to slid.

Combine that with a fear of losing him and a fear of finding someone else and you will rationalize staying with him.

When you want something that you know is unhealthy and appropriate your mind will rationalize that decision. Most times the person will makes excuses or ignore that bad behavior (him saying that there was nothing wrong with what he did).

Other times the person will try to distract themselves from the negative behaviors of their partner. You did this by feeling guilty and feeling like you were a little too hard on him. The guilt allows you to keep what you want (him) while ignoring all of the bad things.

Underneath everything you know that your relationships shouldn't be this way. There shouldn't be a struggle or having to keep a watchful eye on him.

At this point you need to make a choice: stay with someone who will talk to his girlfriend or not.

If it were me (and I have been in that position) I would let him go completely. In the long run it would hurt me much worse than if I ended it right now.