Ask Dan & Jennifer

Hi there Adam, I'm Sin ^-^

First, I want to say that not all women enjoy giving oral sex. While the majority of men seem to enjoy giving oral sex to women (and pretty much all men enjoy receiving it), its much rarer for a woman to really enjoy doing it. Some do, yeah, and some start to enjoy it or want to do it when they're highly aroused, but it isn't a general appetite. It's uncomfortable, messy, and more often than not the taste and smell isn't exactly fantastic. Often, it's a chore.

I didn't start this response with "this is a stupid question"- even though I kind of want to because she already implied she doesn't like it- because I know that when it comes to sex, variety is great, so even though i'm sure you've had sex with her already, oral sex feels good too, so i get that you'd like it more often.

But my advice stems (as it tends to) from communication. Your girlfriend doesn't like doing it. You don't want to force her. Try finding out why she doesn't like it. When you're on the subject of sex (maybe after a sexual activity, asking what she'd like more or less of), bring up what you could do better with your body.
I don't like giving oral because of the occasional smell and the taste/fluids. So that's why I prefer doing it in the shower, because you've got water everywhere to get rid of the taste/smell with, and to spit into. If you find out what really bugs her about oral, you can either fix the problem, work with her to fix it, or understand and accept it. Maybe she had a bad experience with an ex or something of the sort. Maybe she gags easy. Whatever the reason is, as long as you are open and accepting, it's likely that you can figure something out.

But, really, how often is "often enough"? I mean, my boyfriend says that he'd love it if he got oral once a week, but he's perfectly fine with once a month or so. Is your complaint that she hasn't done it since christmas, or last week? Being that she doesn't particularly like the act, are you being practical about it?

Also, has it changed since you started having sex (if you have. i don't know too many guys who complain about not enough oral when they're having sex...)? Often, women stop being as willing to give oral sex, or even hand jobs and such, after a couple starts having sex because she stops seeing it as necessary. It's a chore that doesn't need to be done because you're getting sexual pleasure the "real way". Why use a substitute? It might be helpful to let her know that it's a different kind of feeling and you'd like to enjoy it at least a little bit more often.

Also, do you reciprocate the act? If you don't ever give her oral, then you have absolutely no case. For one thing, it might be easier to help her understand why you would like to have this done if she likes receiving oral from you. She's more likely to repay the favor than just give it. But other than that, it's just one sided and selfish. So that's something to think about as well.

Biggest point: talk to her. Figure out why she doesn't like it and what you can do.

That said, I think I've talked way too frigging much. I hope something I've said has been at least a little bit helpful. Let me know if it wasn't, or if another issue comes up with it.
Good luck.

~Sin

Out of curiousity, Adam, would you mind if I posted your question and my answer on my blog?

Hey!

Being a woman who enjoys giving oral (not every single time, of course, but very often) I can just add my own few thoughts on the issue.

First of all, just like Sin Secret I would ask: Do you give oral to her? Do you like it? Does she enjoy it? Do you do it often? If you don't, then everything I would say on the issue applies to both of you equally. If she doesn't like receiving oral sex, do you indulge in other activities that she likes, even if you might not get off on them that much? Obviously, you can't want her to do oral for you if you are not ready to indulge her sexual wishes as well.

Second, I would also stress the communication point. Why doesn't she like it? Is it the smell or taste? (this can be somewhat fixed by hygiene and/or diet) Is it that she feels like gagging? In that case she might want to try out other techniques where she uses her hand to wrap it around the base of your dick - that way, the hand acts like an extension of her mouth while giving her more control and preventing your dick to slide in further than she likes it. In general, she should always be in control of the movement and you should never thrust on your own unless she tells you to. The mouth is a very sensitive area - physically and emotionally - and you don't want her to feel uncomfortable (especially if you wish for her to do this again). Whatever she doesn't like about it - lay it out on the table and talk about it! There are no right or wrong answers here. I always felt that giving a blowjob was in some ways even more intimate than having intercourse, and it can give rise to all sorts of feelings. All these feelings are okay. The main point here is trust and openness, and creating an environment in which she can safely talk about what this means to her.

The third point I would add is attitude. Our society has created many absurd images about sex, and one of them is this picture that a blow job is a service (a "job"!) that a woman gives to a man. I personally think that this picture - and all the images that go with it - has destroyed more than one woman's enjoyment of doing oral sex. Here comes a package of societal attitudes that can make you (as a woman) feel degraded or used or just plain resentful, because you have to "endure" this activity for your sexual partner, or it can make you feel like you have to perform a job, and that your performance is going to be measured against a standard set by porn actors (who actually do perform a job, btw!).

Okay, take a big step back from all that - it is all BS, and the more we let our sex lives be controlled by these societal pictures, the more we lose contact to our real fealings and desires and pleasures. If you want to enjoy oral (especially as a woman) - forget it all!

Our mouths are sexual organs, and smelling, tasting, sucking, licking, ... are great ways to enhance your own sexual pleasure. Any area on your partners body - the neck, the mouth, the ears, the nipples, the inside of the thighs, the feet, the dick, the vagina - all these areas have their own particular smell, taste and texture and they all produce different sensations for your partner when you touch them or stroke them or lick them or suck on them. This can all be part of a big exploration of your own and your partners body, and it is fun! Try out together what feels good, not so good, or extremely exciting..! Don't treat the dick as something inherently different from any other parts of your bodies - there is nothing that makes sucking or licking a nipple, a finger, a toe, a clit or a dick inherently different from each other - it's all play! And forget about "performance" for now (what is that anyway?). You do what you enjoy, as long as you enjoy it, and then you do something else. If your girlfriend licks your dick a little while and then goes on playing with a different part of your body - that's okay! Often times feeling that the other person is really turned on by what your doing is its own incentive to go on, but there is no pressure here. Eventually you will find things that work for both of you, and both of you will get more comfortable doing things that maybe you didn't even consider in the beginning.

If you can create such an open and playful and experimenting environment for both of you, I am sure you will both have fun and this "thing" that blow jobs have become in your minds (I wouldn't be surprised if this topic is giving her stress too) will ease and change and evolve. And forget your friends on that matter - sex gets better the more comfortable you both are with your own needs and your partners needs. This is not about a score we have to hit. And you don't know if all your friends are being entirely truthful anyway.

Maybe you can go about it more like a game, a fun together activity that's not about reaching a standard but instead about enhancing your sexual lives and the fun you have and trying out new things (or old things in a different way). If you like, you could look at books or internet sites together that explain different techniques of giving your partner pleasure - and I strongly recommend to start out with sites that explain different ways to make women happy! This will relax her and prevent her from feeling that you are putting pressure on her or that you are expecting her to do all these things from now on or that you are not happy with your sex life as it is. This is just about finding out about different ways, opening up options from which you can then pick and choose what suits you. And you might actually learn some amazing things that will make your girlfriend very happy! Once she sees that you are genuinly interested in her pleasure and in finding out what works for her, she might be interested in getting more specific about what works for you as well. Just go about it in a relaxed and playful atmosphere, and remember that everyone has the right not to do things that really turn them off, and that there are so many different ways to please each other that it really usually doesn't matter so much if your partner doesn't like a particular activity so long as you try many of all those other countless things that are out there and that can make you both happy. Also, these feelings can and do sometimes change over time, and technique does sometimes matter - in fact, with blowjobs, there are many techniques that are much easier to get comfortable with, especially if you are relatively inexperienced, than the "full on" or even deep throught thing we know from porn. Maybe you just want to lay off the blow jobs for a while, if she really doesn't feel comfortable with it, and experiment with manual stimulation. Maybe she just needs to get comfortable with the sight, the smell, the feel of your dick before she can start enjoying oral contact. As to manual stimulation, there are so many techniques out there that most guys haven't even heard of, many of which actually require a dedicated second person because you can't get this angle and access yourself, and that (according to my husband - lol) feel just awesome, especially if you use a lot of lube. This might come close to (or even top?) the blow job experience. And at some point, when she feels more relaxed about the situation, she might just find a way to incorporate oral play into your activities in a way that she enjoys more and that gives you the pleasure you are hoping for.

So, to make my long and winding answer short: Relax, try out different and new activities (that may or may not involve oral play - according to her honest to G'd comfort level at the time, do not rush it), and create the atmosphere in which trying all these new and exciting things is fun and a pleasurable experience for both of you. Best of luck!

If you want to receive than you have got to be prepared to give. The best way to your girlfriend's heart is her pussy. Go down on her and shake her world, and she will be yours for life.

The best way to learn is by doing. Just ask her what she likes. As you are going down on her, pay attention to her reactions. If you are doing what she likes than she will let you know.

When I first tried going down on my wife, the hardest part was actually bringing up the subject. She had told me often before that she had something to ask me but she would always say she couldn't find the words. Once we were able to get past that, oral sex was "our" favorite act of love.

In fact, since I am disabled, and she was overweight, it was really the only way for us. I had more enjoyment from pleasing her than I ever received myself. There was nothing better for me than to continue until she pushed me away. Experience IS the best teacher. She was my first and only love. She couldn't believe me when I told her I had NEVER done it before.

Sin Secret hit the nail on the head:"First, I want to say that not all women enjoy giving oral sex. While the majority of men seem to enjoy...its much rarer for a woman to really enjoy doing it."

Alice's comments are interesting and very sincere and sympathetic coming from a woman who obviously wants to help you out. Try her advice if it works great! If not, just remember what Sin Secret said :"its much rarer for a woman to really enjoy doing it." And give up. There is more to a relationship than BJs. Or if you meet someone fulfills all your other relationship needs and also gives a decent BJ anytime you feel like it, trade up. I know this sounds like horrible advice, but at least it is realistic.

Really Alice? Society has created the image that a blowjob is a "service that a woman gives" a man? That sounds absolutely terrible! That is a backward pre-sexual revolution concept. Who thinks that way? Women? And I thought the reason women don't give BJs is that they are uninformed sexually and equate fellatio with HIV transmission.

I couldn't agree more with Sin Secret. Very well said :D

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My first girlfriend didn't like giving me blowjobs because she said there was "nothing in it" for her. I was young and so didn't have much experience or women to compare with. What I found later in life is that women who are really into you LOVE giving you blowjobs. The ones who are really, really into you will give you a blowjob when you're minding your own business watching TV. These are women who love giving you pleasure and these are ones you want to keep in your life.

I have a couple things you can try.

If you use condoms use flavored condoms

If you don't use condoms, try stuff like chocolate syrup, or whip cream on your penis.