How to make her understand my BDSM fetish

in Sex and Intimacy » BDSM - Bondage, Domination, Submission • 2 years ago

Hello everyone! My problem is this: I have this BDSM fetish for so long that even I don't know when exactly it started. I am 20 now, but I enjoyed fantasizing BDSM (to be more precise: spanking) since I was 7 or 8 (roughly).

I have a girlfriend and we've had a wonderful relationship for about a year. We're honest to each other, love each other and can talk about everything. We're both virgins and we'll probably not have any sex before marriage but if you exclude the sex itself, we have been very intimate and we're very open to each other. However I'm not too sure how she would react if she knew that I am obsessed with spanking, OTK, even bondage and such things. She is like, the nicest girl there is, so I think that this habit of mine would be too extreme for her. And I don't think I could ever get rid of my kinky obsession. I have a big collection of BDSM video on my computer, and I often masturbate while watching it, but I was never involved in the actual BDSM activity itself.

Which brings me to another 'possible' problem: I love BDSM too much, and whenever I fantasize, I usually fantasize about spanking/being spanked, and not about making love. Is there something wrong with me? Nobody I know knows this, I kept it as secret all my life. And I intend to keep it that way, I want nobody to know this, except my girlfriend. And I would be more than happy to do all those kinky activities with her, it would be a dream come true. I never cheated my girlfriend and I never will, but she is so pure and innocent that it's even hard to me to fantasize this type of sex with her, so sometimes I fantasize about BDSM with some of my female friends which 'fit' the fantasy better. Is that wrong? Am I being unfaithful to her? Thanks in advance if you could answer any of these questions!

Replies(8)

Xero

Re: How to make her understand my BDSM fetish

2 years ago

Thinking or lookie but no touch is completely OK. People do it all the time and me and my girlfriend do it.

I think if you are going to marry her you should discuss this. Me and my girlfriend have still to get deep into sex but right now we have had some conversations about things we could do. I'm piratically in the same situation with you just not the BDSM issue.

I think if you have discussed sex with her before the talk about it again. If you havn't then I suggest you do before you get married some things just arnt good enough if you cant have all of the pie.

What I'm saying is you shouldn't ruin your marriage over not knowing what she will and won't do. Lots of people run into this problem because they leave it as a "taboo" topic.

darkmist

Re: How to make her understand my BDSM fetish

2 years ago

Talk to her!!! Maybe she will eve watch some of that porn with you? And no, no fantasy is cheating. That´s why its a fantasy ;)

winterwol..

Re: How to make her understand my BDSM fetish

2 years ago

I'm similar. I've been interested in BDSM porn since I was a teen but kept it at that.

Eventually I met my lovely wife and got married. Like you, I kept it secret and taboo as my own private fantasy and never thought about actually doing any of it. I'm 30 years old now.

Eventually some people on the internet (Kara Sutra from YouTube and Autumn from Autumn & Company) raised my comfort level with the topic enough that I was finally able to talk and write about my fantasies with my wife. She was very surprised and is a very reserved person about sex and had never even thought about these topics.

Although she consented to try a few things (cuffs, some robe, ball gag) she very quickly decided she didn't like it at all. We probably went too fast, as I was very comfortable with BDSM and she hearing about it for the first time. Although we had safe words and safe objects, she never used them. Instead she became very hurt and upset and felt very much that I had crossed the line with her. She was doing what she thought I wanted at her own expense, and ended up very depressed. I didn't know how unhappy she was with the situation because she wouldn't talk to me about it.

After a few months we're only starting to get over the fight now. I've boxed up the BDSM toys, thrown away many of them, and decided to keep my BDSM interests to myself. It has been a painful experience (emotionally) because getting to experience some of the Top and Bottom experiences for a couple of months was really cool and was exciting, adventurous and liberating.

I don't think I regret sharing my interest with my partner, but I do regret hurting her over it, and the fact that I probably won't find much outlet for my interests for now.

1978boyuk

Re: How to make her understand my BDSM fetish

1 year ago

Are you happy to not have an outlet for it? Do you think this will ultimately come between your relationship with your wife?

fallinlove

Re: How to make her understand my BDSM fetish

1 year ago

Innocent looking girls like to be bad too! Try just smacking her butt playfully while flirting outrageously in public. Make sure she's good and turned on, then give a little bit harder spank. See what kind of look you get. I love that my guy gets rough with me - and he started with just smacking me on the butt when I got out of the car. A few months later, I surprised him with a lash to try on me. :p Being bad is soooooooo good sometimes!

winterwol..

Re: How to make her understand my BDSM fetish

1 year ago

Originally posted by: 1978boyuk
Are you happy to not have an outlet for it? Do you think this will ultimately come between your relationship with your wife?

It's been a couple of months since my last post. Having never had an outlet for it until now, I think I can handle keeping it to myself. I practice a bit of light self-bondage from time to time to get it out of my system but I realize self bondage can be very dangerous so I keep it simple.

Like anyone in my position, I considererd looking outside the relationship for a playmate with similar interests but haven't really pursued it. If I did, I think that I would tell my wife and not go behind her back.

One of the things that resulted from our discussion was to try to be open to more different activities in the bedroom, besides just BDSM. We have explored some new things and that helps a lot too, taking out some of the frustration for me. However her interest in anything sexual remains extremely low and I feel that I am always the one initiating anything, and that she does it just to keep me happy without really enjoying it. She has a history of depression which no doubt contributes to a lower sex drive. Additionally, we now have a 3 year old toddler who may be diagnosed with ADHD when he gets older (I'm fairly certain of this). This makes for an exhausting and demanding lifestyle which doesn't help either.

johnmortin

Re: How to make her understand my BDSM fetish

1 year ago

fantasizing BDSM is not a problem i think just talk to him and solve out your problem....
have fun.........

winterwol..

Re: How to make her understand my BDSM fetish

1 year ago

I'm back to update. No easy way to say it... it ended my marriage eventually.

I was hoping for something different, fun and exciting to explore together. But the communication and trust were not there at all. My partner lied to me, led me on and made me think BDSM play was OK when it was really eating her inside and she privately considered it sexual abuse.

We've been separated for a few months now, and I have to face the prospect of how to prioritize this interest in my life and in any future relationships.

Not a good place to be.