Husband is bi-curious. Advice?

in Sex and Intimacy » Swingers and Threesomes • 1 years ago

I found out that my husband is bi-curious. We are an older couple, close to 50 but have only been together for 3 years and married 1. He doesn't know that I know about it. Yet. I'm trying to sort out my feelings before I talk to him about it.

I love him, he's my best friend and he returns the feelings.

He posted an ad at an online site without a picture just saying that he was "an average guy just wanting to check out sex with a man. Looking for someone to teach me." Not much more given. I really don't worry about him getting a reply because honestly, his ad is rather lame. lol Most of the ads have pictures and I'm sure that's what someone would be looking for.

However, this does show me that he is interested and through various questions in an abstrat manner I've been able to determine that he might even want to do a 3some with another man. Although come to think of it... I don't know if he means me for the female.

This is bothering him so much. I know him, I'm not reading things that are not there. He is torn by this. It's something that he wants to try, but it would tear him up if he did it without me knowing. Not to mention that that would be cheating - something we both agreed that there would be no forgiveness for in the beginning. Both have been there and been cheated on.

He's so afraid to tell me, he tries sometimes to hint around or to find a way to tell me but is afraid of hurting me or how I would react. He knows that I've also been curious about being with a woman - although I also think that some fantasies are meant to just be fantasies.

So, my problem? Well, should I tell him I know... no strike that. I will tell him I know, once I figure out where I stand on it. This can't stay a secret between us. Secrets eat up relationships.

I guess it's just that I'm confused. There's a part of me that understands about curiosity and feel that if I were involved (not necessarily sexually) that it wouldn't be cheating. I think that if this is a strong feeling that he has that it's not going to go away. It just may get stronger until he may be led into doing something stupid. Like cheating.

I've read things on some sites that say if a couple experiment with a threesome that things change for the worse. I believe that making love with my husband is a special thing. An act of love. Would sharing that cheapen that love? Has anyone here experienced this? Did it change your relationship? If so, for better or for worse? Hah. part of the marriage vows.

I guess the thing is that I need to work out exactly how I feel so that I can talk to him. If I can hear from other couples who may have gone through with something like this. Either a one time experiment or a threesome can you share how that has affected your relationship? I realize that not every relationship is the same.

If I do make the decision to tell him that it's okay then I'd have to be involved. I don't mean sexually. I'd help him find the man - although lord knows it took awhile to find this one for myself! lol I don't even know how to find one on a one time bases for him!!

I don't know how far my involvement would go. Maybe join in? With the man only for him but him just for me? That way if we are sharing it it belongs to us and not him and another man?

Does any of what I'm saying make sense? I'm aware that I'm rambling a bit here. Just trying to work some things our. I know that he is looking for a passive role in this. (from his ad) So, not to sound too crude, but if I could figure out where to find a clean, safe man that would -not sure how to put this - do the deed with my husband while my husband held on to me and kissed me or something. Would that work? Is it even possible to find someone like that?

Anyone have any experience in this or words of wisdom? Because as you can tell... I'm in need of words of wisdom right about now!

Thanks so very much for your time.

Replies(2)

areyouran..

Difficult

1 years ago

To start with threesomes . . . they are usually bad for relationships, especially if someone is wanting to try something out and your not 100% for it. If they really like it then it ends up that you get stuck in it. Or worse they may develop feelings of some sort for the other person that you really would rather not have there. I have a friend that a threesome cost him his relationship.

However other than cheating or threesomes in a regular relationship you cant experiment with a different gender so there's quite the problem.

My advice would be find out why he wants to try it with a man. depending on the answer you may be able to give him what he wants with a strap on or something. however if that doesnt work and he's really bent on finding out how it feels you could try a threesome just set out goals/expectations and rules to the ordeal otherwise it could get out of hand fast.

Hope what I said helps

jandjnyco..

Re: Husband is bi-curious. Advice?

1 years ago

We must disagree with AreYouRandom. Aside from the experience Random's friend has had, can any studies or statistics be cited to that indicate that "threesomes . . . are usually bad for relationships"? In addition, a person in a relationship CAN experiment with the same gender without it being considered cheating or without engaging in a threesome and that is through a discussion with their partner on what alternatives are permissible. The curious partner can meet the 3rd party 1 on 1, the non-curious partner can watch but not participate, the curious partner can film it seperately and then share it with their partner, etc. There are quite a few possibilities and none of them are considered cheating if the other partner is okay with the situation which is simply something that must be discussed.

Now, moving on to mississippi trixie's actual situation. Before we begin we want to point out that we are a couple in our mid twenties that has been Swinging for over a year now and have been involved in quite a few MFM, MFMF, and FMF situations, so our advice is coming from personal experiences.

The placing of the ad by your husband indicates that he is pretty serious about pursing an experience with another man. It is our advice that, if you decide to be on board with your husband's desire to engage in an intimate encounter with another guy, it is in your best interest to be involved. This does not mean you have to participate, but if you make the experience a shared experience between the two of you, it will help to strengthen your relationship rather than create a situation where he is off having intimate experiences with other people completely seperate from you.

As a couple we have grown much closer after becoming part of the lifestyle. Now granted, if you have problems in your relationship, engaging in these types of activities can make those problems worse, but if the two of you have a strong foundation and you communicate with each other what your boundaries and limitations are, then you should be absolutley fine.

Remember, don't begin down a path if you know it is a path that you pretty sure you don't want to go down. If you are opposed to your husband playing with another guy, you need to express this to him and then figure out if your marriage can continue or if this is something he must do and you must go on your seperate ways. If you decide to go for it, there are many ways to safely meet men (whether bi or straight) that would be suitable to play with and many things you can do to insulate your relationship with your husband from any problems that might develop from going through with this. If you want specifics, feel free to send us a message or e-mail. We hope it all works out for you :-)

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