Ask Dan & Jennifer

I believe a word of caution would be the best way to start a response here… Having been in the Lifestyle for many years, I can assure you that jealousy is something that comes up with almost everyone at some point in the lifestyle and can cause huge problems if left unchecked, and while swinging can open up a couple to new heights when it comes to sexuality and sexual freedom, it can quickly and I mean very quickly destroy a relationship!

Now I am NOT one of those “Swingers” who believes that everyone should be in the lifestyle, In fact I believe 98% of all couples out there have no business in the lifestyle what so ever! In order for swinging to work BOTH partners need to be able to fully separate the act of having sex with the act of being in love and do so without Jealousy or nothing but bad things will come from your play time!

The next big part of a successful swinging experience is communication, which from the sounds of it, when it comes to sex; you and your husband do not have. If he can’t openly discuss his sexuality with you, then he will probably not be able to discuss the feelings that come along with inviting other people into your sex life.

Now you really have to ask yourself this question.. If he is bitter about sexual partners that you had prior to your marriage, do you really think that he will view swinging as a good thing? Most likely not regardless of what he says, and I find it ridiculous that he had forgiven you for having partners before him and doing that to him? That’s just nonsense and a real warning sign! What you did before him really doesn’t concern him. Sure full disclosure is nice but it’s really for informational purposes only he has NO say in it what so ever! You had a life before him, and should you no longer be together for some reason, you will have one after him. He needs to come to terms with that and grow up, were not in High School anymore.

As far as the “Keeping Score” this is total manipulative bullshit. It really just shows that he is not ready to undertake the path which you want him to go down. The lifestyle and relationships for that matter, are not about Keeping score, this isn’t a game where one of you wins and one of you looses.. It’s your marriage you both need to win or it’s not going to work.

If you plan on perusing this with him, I would take it slow, I mean really slow as this has every indication that it will have a disastrous outcome, and I would really beg you to reconsider! It takes a lot of communication to make the lifestyle work, and I mean a lot, and it just doesn’t sound like your husband is ready to talk about such things. In fact it sounds like he could use a good dose of counseling to overcome his past and to learn to better communicate.

And on a final note, DON’T surprise him with a 3some, although finding another female to join you may be much harder to do than you think, this is not something that you should surprise someone with, trust me it’s not like getting a puppy for your birthday!

I wish I had some magic words that I could say to make it so you could enjoy the lifestyle, but it really doesn’t look like your husband is ready for this and may never be. Remember you have 2000+ years of society and religion against you, but good luck!

Thanks, Jello. I knew I wasn't crazy. I guess I really just needed to get it out there and hear it from someone else. We all need a group check once in a blue moon. As it turns out, he is growing increasingly less mature as the marriage progresses, particularly since our sex talk. It doesn't look good for the future right now and I certainly wouldn't want anyone else to get sucked into his drama. Lord, knows I've had enough! It was a real slap in the face when a longtime friend revealed how different I have become since I married. It seems to be the general consensus among my friends that I have lost my spark and joy in life. How sadly true that is.

But you know, at least the topic of the lifestyle was enough to get the ball rolling in the proper direction, even if the proper direction is dissolution of the marriage. The lifestyle is already on the back burner and I may just need to partake as a dating single in the future. As for now, I shall live vicariously through everyone else! Too bad for him though. I would have been completely game to let him get it on with someone else. Jealousy must ruin a lot of lives.

Thanks,
Mrs. Frisky

It was my pleasure. Sometimes emotions can cloud our judgment and we need an impartial third party to clarify or at least confirm things…

I would also like to say that I believe that sexual compatibility is extremely important in a relationship and if sex and sexuality is important to you, then having a partner who doesn’t match up certainly will cause you to lose “Your spark for life” and it really is a shame.

Just keep in mind that everyone deserves to be happy in their relationship and sex is an important part of a relationship. No matter how you decide to deal with this, just keep in mind, that in our society Women such as you are very rare. Many women really struggle with their sexuality and sexually confident women is one of the things that I personally love about being in the lifestyle.

Should you decide to end the relationship just make sure as you start seeing potential new partners that you keep in mind your desire for swinging. It’s not something that you want to bring up right away, but rather keep your eyes open for a potential partner who will not have issues with it. If you have the right partner it really can open up a relationship to communication levels most people could not comprehend and just because your current partner is not open to it or communication in general, does not mean that others will react the same way.

PS Love your signature.. It’s so very true!

Wow Frisky... I've been looking for a woman like you, who'd like to experiment with / try out / go wild with (maybe) swinging, for all my life it seems! The best sexual experience I've ever had was a threesome with a girlfriend (now ex) and a male friend. It was awesome - truly amazing! But can I find a woman who wants to repeat that with me? It's like looking for gold in them thar hills!

Message me here if you'd like to say hello. I see you're in the USA. I'm in England, but was in WI last year for 3 months :)

Thanks, guys.

I've been examining this marriage since we got together, and as time passes it's just getting worse and worse. I'm sure of the inevitability of the end, but I'm certainly not looking forward to the drama that will most likely ensue as the demise creeps up.

The real deal is becoming even more clear to me. My partner basically lacks in any aspiration, for ANYTHING. He is always waiting for the magic check in the mail, or for "open doors and closed windows" and many other clichés. There is always an excuse and always someone to blame.

I will never understand individuals who avoid life at any cost, particularly to the detriment of relationships and finances.

I will also never understand how someone can present one personality before marriage and then be so completely different immediately after the honeymoon. Which person is the lie? Either way, it's fraud. I feel violated as though my house was robbed.

Today is my birthday. He made no plans whatsoever. He is now sitting in the other room doing what he does for at least 8 hours everyday - playing World of Warcraft. How on earth would any MAN think that a boy's video game is in any way a turn on? But alas, it's not his fault, it was his mom who made him play. I suppose it's his adolescent view of the world through his gaming that he has this intense need to keep score in everything.

This has taken quite the turn. Thanks for reading.

-K

Wow... so sorry to hear you're having such a bad time. As an outsider my instinctive reaction would be to say, ditch the bastard! :mad: But instinctive reactions may not be what you need!

Perhaps a more measured reaction would be to suggest that you tell him to get counselling for his addiction to his habit ... or tell him join an IAA group (Internet Addicts Anonymous) ... or else you're definitely going to leave him. It seems to me that unless you take proactive action you'll only be in that mess indefinitely.

There is such a thing as co-dependency, where the spouse of an addict becomes somehow addicted to the situation they find themselves in. They can actually unwittingly do things to perpetuate it. So you might want to do some research into co-dependency (there are some good books on the subject) and even think about seeking counselling help yourself.... not because you are a problem, but because you have a problem - namely your husband's addiction.

If you take that kind of proactive action and get the support you need, then you'll be in a much better position if and when the end of the relationship comes.

Go for it gal! Do something positive today. Find yourself a counsellor, or a therapy groups for spouses of addicts, and get your life back on track.

Good luck!
:)

I've been looking for a psychiatrist for some time now, one that deals with
Borderline Personality Disorder, but they often only see 2-3 patients with that diagnosis, as they are so taxing on the therapist, as well. Although I'm not the one with BPD, I need a therapist who specializes in it so I can get the information and direction that is appropriate for my situation.

Believe me, I am working like crazy to get this fixed. I don't think he is going to want to change, at least not within the next 5 years, and I'm too tired and too weak to wait that long. I have put my foot down regarding abuse, but his screaming gets worse. Co-dependence is a real issue with many people who marry into BPD situations, but that's NOT my case! I was conned into this marriage and I feel violated for it, but I'm not going to stick around and take it. My main problem is that I don't have a job, I have been looking diligently (over 200 applications and resumes!) but to no avail. I at least got called for a 3-4 week stint starting next week, so I'll be squirreling money as best as best as I can.

I do have some basics of a plan put together, but it will require a bit of timing and preparation. Well, a LOT of preparation and timing! I finally realized that I had to be strong woman I was before the marriage. I will be that strong woman again, no matter how many week spots I have.

My first goal is rebuild a network of friends, as isolation is a key part in BPD/cult/controlling behavior. This is probably the most vital step in the process - at least as I believe it to be.

For now it's a waiting game. I'm continuing to explore future options for love and relationship such as swinging, polyamory, and other forms of open marriage. I realize now that monogamy may not be for me. I have a lot to give and I want to receive more that I have in the past. I want a community of husbands and wives and friends, not selfish isolation and meaningless sex partners. I will find what I'm looking for - eventually.

Well it sounds like you're making an effort to get on top of the problem, but you're hampered by financial issues. However, it also sounds like your efforts are all to do with trying to get help for your husband, rather than getting some kind of support for yourself. It seems to me that as long as you go on neglecting your own needs you'll struggle, big time.

What's wrong with looking for a support group for partners of addicts? I'm sure that just meeting other people who are in situations like your own would make a huge huge difference to you... a weight off your shoulders. I'm sure there are also Internet support networks for partners of addicts too. Why struggle on your own when the help is out there?

As I said before, you sound to me like just the kind of woman I'd LOVE to meet. Why not send me a private message here? I'd love to hear from you! :)

Good luck to you.

Well, I have actually been putting my plan in place and getting my own support. I have finally had the chance to get this ball rolling back in the direction of sanity. He got physical with me as we were packing for his grandmother's funeral and ended up using the trip as a cover to visit his ex-fiance who he has been romancing on the side for a few months. They had a hook up and she definitely hooked - line and sinker. I filed an emergency protective order against him and later found out that he had been gearing up to see her on the trip all along. He was served and acted so charming with the cops and said he did understand what this was and why I did it. Liar! He then told his girlfriend that the police had guns drawn on him (lie), I attacked him all the time (lie), and he had been trying all these years to get me help (LIE!). So the ball is rolling full speed ahead now. He has already started the smear campaign against me to his family and our friends. His family will take his side although they know better and our friends will say they are neutral.

I can finally breathe!!!