Ask Dan & Jennifer

Did you tell your boyfriend what you did?

You do love your boyfriend, the guy you cheated on with him you don't.

It's just a natural human emotion. In the past humans (I'm not dissing religion) used to roam the earth and have a lot of sex partners. That's just how our genes got mixed in the best way possiable, so we could grow and develop into now a pretty decent society of intelligent people.

So pratically your old instinct of having sex with anything attractive came into play. So you went and had sex. Yea, it was wrong but it's kind of normal.

Let me explain it this way hopefully its more clear. BTW I would never do this.

Scenario: So I have a GF, and lets say its a great relationship. She trusts me I trust her bla bla bla. I just go out with friends and lets say there is this girl. Shes really hot, and has no ride home. So I take her home, and things got hot and heavy in the car and we had sex. The sex was not love it was just lust for the person, because it was the natural human hormones that over powered the brain.

Hopefully this makes sense to you.

What you say makes sense, but i never actually had sex with him, i knew enough to back off. i did stupid things, but never sex. My ex begged me all night long to not do anything with the boy and i promised him i wouldn't. and then i did. Why? THinking of him and knowing the other guy was way too damn ugly, and hearing my ex ask me to leave because he can't be hurt again, i still did sexual things with someone else. You all say sex isn't love but it is something you DO with some one you love. That's what its meant for. No i don't think you have to be married but i think that if you're in love with someone like i thought i was then you don't do ANYTHING like that with someone else. FOR ANY REASON. but i did it anyway. UGH!!!!!
and i had promised him afterwards that all i did was slept in his bed, and promised him i didn't cheat, i had intentions to tell him when i could look at him in the eyes again, but we fought one night and so a freind decided to talk to my ex and told him everything, which totally wasn't his place since it had nothing to do with said friend

ok, humping sounded to be sex to me so my bad.

I don't think I fully answered your question so I'll do it this time, kinda got stuck on your story.

Are there steps I can take to earn his trust? Did i love him in the first place?

I guess the first step of regaining his trust would be to tell him what happened and every detail your self. Then gaining his trust after that would be not to lie to him/cheat any more. (though i think you 2 are broken up)

Did you love your ex, yes and I think you still do or else you wouldn't came here for advice. If it was over and done with for ever then why seek advice.

the thing is he said now officially that it is over forever. he said that he wants to find someone who wont make those kinds of mistakes. he knows i'm sorry and fogives me but wants to be with someone who doesn't forget how much they love him and wont hurt him the way i did. i can't handle that. ugh!

I'm going to refer this topic to a forum member. The answer to your last post is out of my league.

Hopefully he will have some insight to this for you. He's really good, and a professional.:)

Xero: I appreciate the confidence you place in my by referring questions of this sort. I'm honored that you value my opinion.

RunnerDNM: I'm going to shoot straight with you here, and I'll tell you in advance you're not going to like what I'm about to say. You can take it an use it to help yourself or you can blow it off and say I'm an ass. Either way is fine.

[Boundaries are lines that we shouldn't cross without permission. For example, my waiting room is a public area. People come and go at will. However, my office is private and it is proper to wait until being invited in, even if the door is open. A property line is a boundary you shouldn't cross without permission. The same way, relationships have boundaries. These are mutually agreed upon expectations for behavior. Some couples, and I don't think it matters if you're gay or straight, believe in total exclusivity. Others say oral sex is OK but not intercourse. Some couple allow contact with other people, but only if both partners agree. Some have truly open relationships, where each is free to do whatever he or she pleases with anyone. Each of these are examples of boundaries in relationships.

From reading between the lines of your post, it is evident that you have some problems with boundaries. Inadequate boundaries can result from abuse, trauma, or simply from never learning proper boundaries. I'm not trying to be a smartbutt, but a person with intact boundaries would know that you being naked in the same room with someone was probably going to lead to sexual activity.

Again, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think your focus needs to be working on you right now, instead of trying to win back your partner. I'm going to give you a starting point in the form of a book. I'm a firm believer in people educating themselves as a way to change their self-sabotaging behaviors. I suspect you'll need to go beyond that with an individual therapist however.

Here is a link to an incredible book on the topic. There's no reason to pay a therapist to give you the information you can get yourself. But once you have a basic understanding, I think you'll need to follow up with a therapist with experience in dealing with this. One caveat, it is written from a Christian heterosexual perspective. However, I don't think the same concepts would apply to any form of relationship.

Amazon.com: Boundaries (When to Say YES When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life): Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend: Books

You would then need to follow up with the Amazon.com: boundaries in dating: Books.

I am in no way affiliated with Amazon or the authors, except that I use their materials with clients in my counseling practice. I receive no financial consideration if you purchase this product. I'm not intending this to substitute for actual therapy, which I think you will eventually need. You are deep into a pattern of self-sabotaging behavior, and I hope you will take the steps needed to break this cycle.