Ask Dan & Jennifer

The answer is in your question...

You've been emotionally disconnected from your husband for a while.

This other man is simply filling an emotional void in your life. (I'm not saying that you don't have true feelings for him).

Whether or not you decide to stay in your marriage or leave your husband for this other guy, you're never going to be happy if you rely on your partner as your only source of emotional fulfillment. You've got to learn how to be happy on the inside and learn fill your own emotional needs. Otherwise, I predict that in a few year, you'll be in the same situation with the new guy.

What is the source of the feeling of being disconnected with your husband? Did it start when the children were born? Many time a woman will unknowingly pull away from her husband when she has children because her emotional and intimacy needs are being filled by caring for the baby. And then the husband will get his feeling hurt and pull back even more... And so goes the downward spiral...

You can get that connection back, but it will take work and most likely the help of a counselor. There's two sides to every story and the truth (and the best answer) is normally somewhere in the middle.

Being a very left brained person, when I find myself with a difficult decision, I take out a piece of paper, write my dilemma and possible course of action at the top and draw a line down the middle. On one side, I write the pros of this course of action and on the other side I write the cons. I do this for each possible out come. It just helps me to put things into perspective...

I think you would be making a very serious wrong move leaving your husband for a younger man in a different country, “the grass on the other side of the fence always looks greener until you get there” and your lover is a lot further away then just the other side of the fence,. Eight years is a lot to throw away and what do you think you would have with your new lover in eight years time after the initial lust and passion had worn off?
If you were to spend portion of the time and effort you spent in meeting and having an affair with your lover trying to save your marriage and the future of your children you might find yourself a lot better off.

Ally,
I am going to talk to you woman to woman. I am a therapist, but lets set that aside for now. I've been married three times. The first two times my marriage fell apart I was convinced HE had the problem and I was trying so hard to make it right. AND from the outside, and anyone who would have listened to me at the time would have agreed. I did not find out until I took 6 years to be by myself that I had the problem, too. Intimacy has to be worked at by both partners and if there is a problem like "cheating" (I hate that word) it's because of the lack of intimacy in the relationship. I used to cry "But I WANT intimacy, HES the one that won't get close". But the truth is that I had my own issues with intimacy that led me to repeat the same mistakes in my second marriage I had made in my first. The truth is that what both marriages had in common was ME.

I know this new guy makes you feel great. I can relate with that. After and emotional dry spell to have someone swoop you up in their arms and make you feel beautiful and loved again it's hard to to imagine leaving them. But the truth is that you are in love with the "in love" feeling. You don't really know this man. Your don't even know the one your married too, and most unfortunately, you don't know yourself either.

Your husband is not the "bad guy" you seem to see him as being. He is just, like most of us, inept at intimacy. But sweetie, so are YOU. You both have failed to make the marriage work. It takes two to marry and two to fail at marriage. Starting over with someone else is the easy way out. But you have two children who need BOTH of their parents. Whether you stay together or not, you owe it to yourselves and your kids to take the time to figure out what went wrong and see if you can re-connect once you have distanced from the romantic fantasy of your South African lover.

But I also know how much pain there must have been for you to have gone to such an extent to heal the hurt in your heart. Sometimes there is just too much hurt to go back, and I for one, fully understand that. Yet I do wish that I had know then what I know now about myself and my own intimacy problems before I divorced my first husband.

My advice as a woman, a (now) happily married wife, and therapist is: Break it off with your lover and give counseling a chance. I have seen marriages come back from even this far. Neither of you are cheaters. You are both in a lot of pain that you could heal together it you work at it.

As a woman who cheated on her husband in the past, I have to agree with both Dan & Jenn and with Melody.

Listen, my husband was a jerk, but the truth of the matter is a huge amount of the problem was in me. I had issues that prevented me from being able to connect with anyone on an emotional level and I didn't even recognize most of them. You have got to address that before you do anything rash.

My emotional unavailability was rooted in low self esteem, feelings of being undeserving and unworthy of love (cheating sure didn't help that one!), and lots of issues from childhood that contributed to all of it. It left me unable to commit to my husband or my marriage. Yes, I had married him which some would say is a commitment, but the truth is that I wasn't at all committed to the marriage. When the going got tough, I looked elsewhere to get my needs met and as a way out of the marriage. The truth of the matter is, as Dan & Jenn said, I needed to look inside myself. YOU are the only person who can make you happy. It's your job and it's your responsibility...not only to yourself but to your kids.

Five years, two counselors, and lots of hard work later, I'm a much healthier, more emotionally available woman ready for a relationship. I've never been happier. You owe that to yourself sweetie...and to your family. Leaving your husband for this other man may seem the easy way out, but the truth is that if you don't look to yourself to help yourself, you're going to find yourself in exactly the same place down the line.

I am sure that you have heard this one but have you been to counseling? It doesn't always work. I was married for 9 years to a real jerk and we didn't go to counseling, but he was cheating and he ended up marrying her so it probably won't have done any good. If you really love your husband it is worth trying to work it out, but think long and hard about it because it isn't worth staying in a relationship even if you have kids if you are not happy. you really have to think about yourself and what you want in your life. good luck

Don't do it for you or your husband. Do it for your kids, my best friends parents got divorced when he was only 14 and his older brother was 16-17 years old. He was almost immune to the fact of the divorce except that he blamed his father as the "bad" parent and cut off all ties with him, and lives with his mother in the U.S while his father is living in Greece. His older brother had psychological trauma from this and had been going to therapy for about 3 years, quite college 3 semesters in and moved back to Greece and he himself told me "I ruined my life."

I'm not saying this is gonna be the same case, but it affects the children alot more then it would you. I was lucky and had a great childhood and i can't complain, but my friends have had much more difficult times than me and i have been exposed to this over and over again.

My advice to you is, Seek a counselor make an honest attempt to fix your marriage, try to forget the younger man and hopefully it all works out for you. If not then by all means do what you must do, but i would suggest dont get a divorse just agree with your husband to see other people while married. Maybe it will help your relationship with him but keep it from your children, also what i just said is based on their age a 16 year old will know whats going on unless he/she is in denial.

If your husband really wanted you, he would be insanely jealous. He is not. Studies have found that a small amount of jealously is necessary for long-term relationships. Your partner has to fear losing you (a bit) for a marriage to thrive.

I wouldn't count on a college student being a long-term partner right now. Focus on finding a new man online in your own CITY that makes you feel the same way as the South African guy. Focus on the SPECIFIC characteristics of the man and how he makes you feel ALL DAY LONG and you will attract him to you. Use POSITIVE emotions when you focus on your target man.

As for your children, don't pass on the bad example of living a fake life to try and make eveyone happy. You have to be selfish now so you can be super-generous later. If you try to please everyone, you'll just stress yourself out and you'll feel even more disconnected.

And, take massive action!

Did you meet Mr Right?

i agree 100% with this one this comes from a girl who's parents should have gotten a Divorce while they thought that staying together would benefit the kids well let me tell you i will soon be 20 years old and i have an out look on relationships that there bad because of that i had to look at growing up... do what you think is going to benefit your kids if you can work things out then great and if you can't then do whats best for your kids.

Originally posted by: Yioti
Don't do it for you or your husband. Do it for your kids, my best friends parents got divorced when he was only 14 and his older brother was 16-17 years old. He was almost immune to the fact of the divorce except that he blamed his father as the "bad" parent and cut off all ties with him, and lives with his mother in the U.S while his father is living in Greece. His older brother had psychological trauma from this and had been going to therapy for about 3 years, quite college 3 semesters in and moved back to Greece and he himself told me "I ruined my life."

I'm not saying this is gonna be the same case, but it affects the children alot more then it would you. I was lucky and had a great childhood and i can't complain, but my friends have had much more difficult times than me and i have been exposed to this over and over again.

My advice to you is, Seek a counselor make an honest attempt to fix your marriage, try to forget the younger man and hopefully it all works out for you. If not then by all means do what you must do, but i would suggest dont get a divorse just agree with your husband to see other people while married. Maybe it will help your relationship with him but keep it from your children, also what i just said is based on their age a 16 year old will know whats going on unless he/she is in denial.

Always remember that whatever your actions may lead to, the affliction would reflect more in your kids. Are you willing to give them up for the cheap thrills of infatuation? I grew up in a broken family that rooted from the same situation that you're in. Its extremely difficult growing up in a broken family and I don't want your kids to suffer the same hell that I went through. So please consider their feelings on this one above yours.

Obviously there are some really bad ways to divorce with kids. But there are some right ways to do it too. I think that telling people to stay for the kids is wrong, but that puts estranged parents in an awkward position with no solution.

PS. My advice is assuming no abuse. Divorces from abuse are a different matter entirely!

I'd say try this:
1st - Figure out if you are divorcing, separating or getting help.
You need to make a decision together. And if they don't want to make a decision, then they are deferring to you to lead the way. Don't involve your kids until you are sure about the direction its gonna take.

2nd - Agree with your partner on a solid approach.
The best / worst thing about having kids together is that you are still going to have to get along with your spouse after the divorce. You still have to nurture that relationship, even after the marriage is dead. Because now you have to work together if you want to see your kids.

If you've officially decided to separate or divorce, then discuss in detail how you will tell the kids about it. Figure all that out together, so that your kids have congruency. This will be challenging, but if you don't learn how to agree about the kids now, it will only be harder later.

3rd - Have a Talk to Explain the New Marital Agreement

Assume your kids are smart enough to understand what's happening. Just use age appropriate language. Any situation can be translated into any age-language. Just do your best!

Sit them down and let them know what is happening in your marriage, that it has nothing to do with them at all. Ask them if they have any questions about it.

Usually couples separate for a while. Being 'Separated' is a fine definition for a marriage, and you should be okay with that too, not hide it or be ashamed. I think this is a natural transition. Explain to them that we are still married but we want to live in different homes for a while. Just like you want your own room... well, mom and dad want their own houses! (Hahaha...)

They will thank you for your honesty. Good luck with your situation!!

Great points, thanks for sharing your experiences pineapple.

However... I hear this concept of "consider others' feelings above yours" and "stay together for the children" a lot. And unfortunately it leads to some misguided decisions.

There are a lot of "broken marriages" or "broken families" where couples stay together... the unhappy marriages where the wife is on a handful of antidepressants and they hate each other, but stay together "for the children".

consider this: to grow up in a home where marriage means two people that barely tolerate or even hate one another and are constantly fighting - that is not a loving home, not an ideal environment for children.

if you are miserable and unhappy there is no way to bring happiness, joy, stability, anything to those around you. living in a miserable relationship will backfire just about every time.

if your life sucks and you hate each and every day you have to tolerate that miserable person that you once loved - do you think your kids don't see this? they live in that world, they feed on that energy. and you condemn them to repeat the same pattern in their lives.

so sure, always consider others' feelings, but remember that sacrificing yourself will often backfire - and will likely have a high cost on those you're trying to 'protect'.

not to say relationships can't be mended, they often can, but staying together 'for the kids' is one of the worst reasons since it's usually based on ill-informed assumptions that the kids will be better for it.

An idea: focus on loving, happy home, not our storybook unreal ideal of what maybe/kinda/possibly/would be nice to be "perfect".

-- Dan

Originally posted by: pinkapple
Always remember that whatever your actions may lead to, the affliction would reflect more in your kids. Are you willing to give them up for the cheap thrills of infatuation? I grew up in a broken family that rooted from the same situation that you're in. Its extremely difficult growing up in a broken family and I don't want your kids to suffer the same hell that I went through. So please consider their feelings on this one above yours.

I really think you should examine yourself thouroughly. I am an victim of a cheating husband. I loved my husband so much. he left me for another woman he told me he loved her. Two weeks later he wanted to come back home. I was determined that I could not take him back. I needed to move on because he said in a argument that she was trying to make something out of herself. She had a better job, car, and house. Three months after he left me she lost her job and her car a month after her job. They were struggling to keep the house. A few months after that he lost both his cars. He to this day is still trying to come back to me. He gave me time to heal. So the grass is not always greener on the other side. During the time I healed I became friends with a man and that man made me see love again and feel love in a different way. He allows me to be me. Not saying we do not have problems or what may happen in the future but be fair about it. What can you expect or the man from Africa expect neither one of you are going by the relationship the right way. You are still with your husband.

Feeling (how you feel about certain things or people) is actually a rational process, the trick is it becomes irrational in how you conclude your experience. Differences in views, be it objective or subjective, we all have to bear consequences in decisions we choose to make. Remember, Two wrongs do not make a right. Be wise. Hope things turn out better for you soon.

Each situation is unique, and what you are feeling inside has many different angles from which you can approach the question.
The fact that you have had a connection with this second man for two years shows that it isn't just something you will quickly pass over in choosing to remain with your husband. And remaining with your husband while cutting off a part of your heart can in many ways further damage your chances at improving intimacy with your husband.
The second man has become someone that has value to you and that is important to know and accept within your own being. Your family and your husband are also extremely valuable to you and your being.
So for the time being at least it would seem that your question is asking how can I cut out a part of my heart and which part should I cut out? Instead of seeing it as a question of which part of your heart is more valid or which part is more neccessary to your survival you need to know that all of your heart is neccesary, learn to accept that in yourself, and then slowly begin the intricate dancing of claiming what you want for yourself.
You are unique and your heart is unique and what will work for you will be your own very unique solution.
Try to be open to thinking outside the box. It might be possible since you have already been honest with your husband to tell him that you want to maintain the marriage because he is important and loved by you but would also appreciate from him the freedom to have this other relationship as well. It helps to have the details of such an arranagement very clear in your own mind before you discuss the subject with him so that when his own questions arise as to how that will work you will have a solid answer for him. It also helps if you have thought thru in your own mind what your personal limits are as to how much time or energy you would want to put into the second relationship, how much involvement you would want to let your husband in on, and whether you would be ok with him asking for a similar arrangement on his side (such need not always be a given).
Do too take into consideration your daughter's long term apprasial of the situation. I think that as a young mother keeping yourself happy and present for your kids is really important but how you go about that is again uniquely your own solution. Know that as far as examples go many young girls are taught how to be good wives and cooperative women but very few are taught how to be happy and strong in nurturing their own feminine needs. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to teach your children the amazingly beautiful and powerful capabilities of the female heart.
:)

The morals I have have say you should not leave your husband for this younger man.

You've made a commitment when marrying him.

To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

For better, or for worse, you cannot leave your husband for this younger man.

You met this guy off the internet. That's your first mistake. He could lie what he looks like or who he is. Maybe he just wants sex. Ever think of that?

If your husband really wanted you, he would be insanely jealous. He is not. Studies have found that a small amount of jealously is necessary for long-term relationships. Your partner has to fear losing you (a bit) for a marriage to thrive.

That is not true, how do you know he isn't jealous? Maybe he loves her so much, he wants to forget about her sin, and carry on the relationship because he loves her. Believe it, or not some guys know how to control their emotions.

This is a really tough one and so in your decision you have to make sure that you are weighing apples with apples.

This younger man ... you practically went on a vacation and met up with him for a short period of time.

When things are new in a relaitonship you develop and go through different stages.

With this other man, have you lived with him and how well do you really know him. He may be exciting and being in a relationship with him may ignite that passion within you, but after that .. is there anymore substance?

With that said, you should also not stay with your husband if you are unfulfilled with your marriage. You can either choose to work it out, or realise that maybe you had an affair because you feel out of love or your needs were not being met.

Regardless of the outcome, it appears that there may be some life lessons that need to be learnt, before you jump into another serious relationship and you should give yourself some time to work things through.

IN SIMPLE SENSE.if your husband say nothing it means he loves you very much.this is your very large mistake-if you don*t want to break-up.then you give more & more time to your husband.present him that i love you very much please stay with me & love me.in this way you get more success in your life & live happly.ALSO FORGET YOUR PAST FASTLY.also in the memory of your husband