Ask Dan & Jennifer

Mel, wow, I can really relate to you. I met my fiancee when I was 19, and he was 42. Yes, that's a 22 year difference... and believe me, I didn't want my family to know either. My mom knew I was seeing a guy, but she didn't know much other than that. He'd leave messages on my home answering machine so she heard his voice, and I told her little bits and pieces about him, but nothing that would say his age. My family all got curious and would ask me and I'd say, "I know he's older, but I really don't know how old he is." And inside it was bugging me that we had such a major age difference but yet at the same time when we were together it didn't seem to matter. He had gotten me a cell phone because I was volunteering 80 miles from home every weekened at that time and he wanted to make sure I had a lifeline in case anything happened... So my mom knew he was a nice guy... Then my mom got to meet him (that's another story altogether) and it just so happened that that day someone had stolen my license plates off my truck in my driveway! So my mom saw how he drove me to the DMV and paid for my new plates and everything, then took the 3 of us out to dinner and paid for everything... he was just being such a sweetie that I don't think it mattered to her. Now, he looked older than me, but he didn't look that much older... And after a few more times of her seeing his kindness and love towards me she knew I was with a good guy, no matter what his age. Then one day it came out, she asked him, "So Scott, you've had a lot of jobs... just how old are you? Are you like 40?" He looked at her and smiled sheepishly.. glanced at my terrified face behind my mother, and looked back at her and held up 2 fingers. "You're 2 years old?" mom asked sarcastically.
"I'm forty-two" And.... she just kinda nodded and said "Oh, OK. So you're closer to my age then," and walked away.
My whole family ended up finding out, and besides my grandfather who initially said "Well that's just too old for her" no one really seemed to care. He's a great guy, he fits right in with my family, and I love him.
Now, all this just to say age doesn't have to matter. Your boyfriend isn't "old" and really 12 years isn't a huge difference. It seems like more of a difference now, but when you're 30, he'll be 42... and that doesn't sound so bad, does it? Age difference really matters less the older you get. If he's a good guy and demonstrates that to your family, then he'll more than likely win them over too..

Then, on the other hand, he makes you happy, it doesn't matter what they want or say. He's your boyfriend and you love him. Your family is only looking out for you. They're most likely afraid he will hurt you in some way. It wasn't that long ago you were their "baby girl" and they're probably having a difficult time adjusting to the fact that you are now an adult capable of making independent and adult decisions on her own. If they don't like him, it doesn't matter, you do.

Now, one more thing, this is just my feeling... don't rush into marriage. I dated my man for 4 years before we decided to get engaged.. I've had 5 friends from high school marry already, and 4 have divorced... they pushed things along too quickly and never really got to know each other, or themselves for that matter. Date, have fun, and enjoy... just don't let yourself get railroaded towards something you may not really want... that's all. :)

Good luck and keep us posted!

K. i have known my boyfriend for a while now. we met when i was 16 and he was still married then with his ex. he treated me like a little sister then and i really liked him. when he got divorced when i was 17 because his wife cheated on him he was going through a hard time in his life. She never worked or anything and she took more than half of what he worked his whole life for. i was there for him, and i think thats when he saw me more than a little sister. so we kinda started to date when i was 17 but he wouldnt touch me or anything even when i wanted him to. he was just there, hanging out with me, we only kissed a few times then. then when i turned 18 he became more..how should i say this...passionate? :) we have a lot of problems thought and i mainly think its because of how both stubborn we are. we get into so many fights, theres no name calling or anything just fights :( my parents would be ok if i dated a guy thats like 5 years older then me but not 12. yesterday on TV mom saw some couple that were 10 years apart and she said that i better not have an age difference of 10 years. Of course i dont...since theres a 12 years age difference. sometimes my boyfriend makes me soo..how should i say this....mad! he blames a lot on the age difference. every fight he doesnt take responsibility for if he said something that hurt me or anything, he just blames it on the age, but he also makes me soo happy sometimes. :) the things he does for me. like when i told him i want him to call me more since i want to hear his voice before he goes to sleep and when he wakes up (he has different sleeping hours than me since he works a lot) so now even when hes about to just fall over and sleep he calls me and the first thing he does when he wakes up is call me too. he sounds so grumpy and cute when he wakes up and when hes really tired. :) but if my mom said "choose the family or ur boyfriend" i would probably pick my family.....those fights...i dont know...we have so many and that makes me so depressed...i keep thinking...can we overcome so many fights? we use to dont fight so much, but now we fight so often...

Mel

Well, everyone has fights in their relationship. I know I've had my fair share.. thankfully most of them are silly and afterwards we can laugh at them. Unfortunately that's not the case for many people... if the fighting is too much, it may not be worth it. It is true that the age difference can cause differences that are more difficult to deal with than for a couple who are closer in age.. but as I said, this age difference matters less the older you get. And at 19 a woman is generally more into having fun and wanting to be with friends, whereas a man at 31, especially after having been married and divorced, probably wants something more stable... this has obvious problems. It's really going to take some soul searching and some communication with each other to decide what is best for you both. I would hope your mother would not disown you if you chose to stay with him, but I do not know your family..
Fighting is difficult. I have a very close friend who fights constantly with her boyfriend and calls me crying at least once a week... yet she refuses to break it off with him... my advice to her, and I'd also suggest it to you, is to get a cheap little pocket calendar. At the end of each day you'll color in the day either blue or red. If the day is more good than bad with him, color it in blue;), and the days that are more bad than good color red:mad: (that is really cool that the smiley face colors worked for that..lol). At the end of the month look at your calendar and see if there is more blue or red... Sometimes just seeing something staring at us in the face like that can wake us up.. we may not have really realized just how bad things were. Or, you can even do it mentally, but really seeing it can be surprising.
As far as my personal experience, I noticed in the beginning many fights we had were my fault, as I was nervous and scared.. I just kind of picked fights when I got really nervous or something.. and I really didn't know why. But I matured through that, and learned to be more patient and understanding. In your case, it sounds like he's the one starting the fights but it very well may be for the same reasons I did.

You'll have to pick one problem at a time to deal with. The age difference or the family. If we try to tackle too many things at once we get bogged down and everything looks worse than if we attack it one at a time. Just remember, fighting isn't the end of the world.. it can get better.. but only if there's something deeper than puppy love. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, but maybe it was. Listen to your gut instinct.. the heart can be tricky but the gut knows ;)

ok i will do that, tackle one problem at the time. its just...i know hes been with so many beautiful women and really they were model types and im just so...average...im not skinny or anything and i dont wear designer clothes (he does, everything he buys is so expensive) and my taste in music is so different different than his and he loves music. we disagree on so many things that start fights.

for u it was different. ur boyfriend was nice and caring and so is mine. but my boyfriend is soo....intimidating looking. thats what everyone says. he just seems mean to every1 but he really isnt. he would do anything for me and protect me from anything. but my parents would judge by apearance and so i bet my parents would think of him as some bad guy who beats his wife/gf or something but he would never raise a hand against me...and i mean EVER. he would let me hit him but he wouldnt fight back...not that i ever would hit him.

I love him soo much i have had my share of boyfriends since i attract guys and i dont know why. but it was always crushes thinking the guys is hot and nice and then just moving on after a month or two but with my current boyfriend its different. everytime i talk to him my heart beats so fast and im so happy....even when hes mad at me and gives me a silent treatment i keep thinking of how much i love him.

Since his wife left him he told me couple years ago that he would never marry or have children. he had given up on love, but he wants to marry me and have children and he truly loves me. but sometimes he forgets about me... or gets distracted by something and forgets he was suppose to call me or something... and i get pissed off at him and i try not to show it but i guess it shows and then he gets mad and says something that he doesnt mean to but is hurtful and we spend a day or so not talking to each other at all...

but u see K. even if i colored in bad and good days i still wouldnt want to end it... im scared he will leave me and i wouldnt be able to be myself anymore...so i guess my first problem to tackle is how to make him love me forever? then its the family?

Unfortunately you cannot make someone love you. That's something that person has to do themselves. You just have to be you, and if he cannot accept you for who you are, then it wasn't meant to be. It's OK to have different tastes in clothing and music and everything, that shouldn't be a bone of contention. There must be something you have in common with him or else you wouldn't still be with him...
I'm wondering though if you are in love with him or you love him... there is a difference. Dan and Jennifer have a video from youtube that is different but very similar.

and i get pissed off at him and i try not to show it but i guess it shows and then he gets mad and says something that he doesnt mean to but is hurtful and we spend a day or so not talking to each other at all...

This shows a lack of good communication. Even though you are chronologicaly younger than he, it may be that he is less mature than you. The worst thing you can do is not talk for a day or two then act like nothing ever happened. When we do this, we outwardly act like everything is OK, keeping it all bottled up inside until we can't hold any more. Then it all comes out, it can be in a fit of rage, a major depressive episode, or any thing on a wide range of behaviors and feelings... but it all comes out at once and works against us. When he says something that hurts you, tell him it hurt. It might seem silly, but he needs to know that these things bother you. Then you can have that day or so afterward to enjoy, not to be silent.

And I'm saving the best for last. Honey, just because you're no skinny model type does not mean you are not something special. Big girls are sexy too, and sometimes not being the prettiest girl in class has its benefits too. I had to develop a good personality and sense of humor because I was fat and average looking. But now I'm a much happier person who is more able to deal with life than some of the beautiful people I went to school with. (This is not to say that beautiful people are not good people with good sense of humor and personality [Dan and Jennifer have both sides for example] just that average people have to develop personalities to survive sometimes.) You are obviously something, or else you wouldn't have been attracting guys to begin with. This leads me to you saying

im scared he will leave me and i wouldnt be able to be myself anymore

If he leaves you, why couldn't you be yourself anymore? It sucks, but sometimes relationships do break up, and it really hurts, but it happens. You just have to move on... like Dorie from Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming" :D If it were to end, it doesn't have to be the end of you.

Thank You so much. you really are an angel :). and i do love him and not the idea of him. we avoided a fight yesterday. i am so happy right now thanks to you. i guess i just needed a person who isnt my friend who constantly tells me (just leave him you will be much happier). no one understands what im going through. :D

With much love :p,

Mel

I wish you luck Mel. Sometimes the hardest things to get are the sweetest in the end. :)

Great Thread!

Mel. Listen to your heart and do what is right for you. You will never make your family happy and it's not your responsibility to make them happy or to seek their approval.

It's hard for many families to allow their children to make their own choices and mistakes. What they don't realize is that they are keeping their children from growing into the person they are intended to be.

Trust yourself.