Ask Dan & Jennifer

It may just be a fantasy for her, but you wouldn't know until you really asked her.

I must say the hints are there for it, but I would wait for a few more before you even ask just to be safe. She might just sort of be slowly working into the idea.

If you do decide to swing make sure you read around the forums on some other topics to get a set of ground rules setup for swinging. Bringing more people into it is practically bringing them into your relationship. Which can cause more feelings to arise that shouldn't be there.

You could also post a topic asking for help with the ground rules idea. I'm not an expert on that and have no idea what to set up but there are many others willing to help.

Worst case scenario...she may be looking at ads seeking a female to swing and got caught.

I know it has been a while since you have asked the question but ...
If you haven't already, sit down and talk honestly and be straightforward.

She may just be ashamed of her fantasies. Yes, many people out there may have the very same common fantasies but it doesn't make it any easier for some to accept AND ADMIT having those fantasies.

I can identify with your girlfriend. I liked the idea of occasionally inviting a friend over and having it end up with an encounter for my husband, but not being comfortable enought to make my feelings more public about what I want, which is to have an outside relationship with a guy that my husband knows.

The solution here lies with your girl's personal insecurities - which are nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of women think about at least experimenting with another woman. I think as long as you can encourage her without turning into the stereotypical horndog over the idea of two girls in your bedroom, you will help her feel more comfortable about it. Another way to go is just let her be.... meaning don't ask her about it until you think she has crossed the first hurdle all by herself.

Originally posted by: miss kitty
I think as long as you can encourage her without turning into the stereotypical horndog over the idea of two girls in your bedroom, you will help her feel more comfortable about it.

I completely agree. All too many times in the lifestyle a woman’s bi-sexuality is turned into some sort of spectacle for the men, which to me is just wrong. I am married to an extremely bi-sexual woman who is constantly annoyed in the lifestyle by women who are either “Hubby bi” or by men who think that a woman’s bi-sexuality is there for their viewing pleasure..

Now it sounds to me that between her mentioning bringing her friend home from work (Which I completely would recommend against) and the fact that she was on what I assume is a swingers site, or at least on sites which have group or swinger type content, that she is at least turned on by the idea. Now this may be something that she just wants to fantasize about, as its one thing to fantasize about bringing other people into your bedroom and another thing to actually do it. The only way you will really know is to bring the conversation out into the open.

Unfortunately in our Society woman are taught from a young age that they are not really supposed to be “sexual” and this can lead to things such as her not being able to discuss topics like the fact that she may be interested in swinging. You have to keep in mind that when it comes to genders and sexuality that we have a huge double standard. A man who wants to sleep with a lot of different women is considered “Normal” and one who actually gets to sleep with a lot of different women is considered a “Stud” but a woman in either case is considered a whore.

So just sit down one day and lay your cards out on the table. Let her know that you’re OK with her sexuality and that not only is there nothing wrong with testing out the waters to see if the lifestyle is for her, and that you support her in this. Make it all about her!! Give her control. She may also just be trying to come to terms with the fact that she may be Bi-sexual.

Good Luck!!

The first advice is if this is real and something that may actually happen, don't do it with someone from work. Way to messy and too many risks.

So, the real advice here is to talk and be open. If one partner in a relationship has a fantasy or desire, they should be free to disclose it in a safe environment. If you can't handle that then maybe there are other things that need working on beyond sex.

If you truly have an open and stable marriage, then talking about things, any things should be standard practice.

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Dear, Jay in Ky. First, Hello from the great State of Ga., Go Dawgs!:p Now I commend you for seeking advise from those that have been down the road ahead of you. I ask a question on this forum several months ago and the input that I received was invaluable to me sorting out my emotions before proceeding with an act that my wife wanted. (See Am I being Homophobic? In this section) Then, once you have honestly faced your emotions, you sit down with your wife and have an open honest discussion with her about your feelings and hers. Lay it all out for each other; tell her your fears and what turns you on about the Lifestyle. AND listen to her! This can be a heart wrenching discussion for both of you. And be prepared for your ego to take some hits also. If she has truly has Bi-sexual tendencies there probably are some “needs” in her life that you are not meeting. Believe me when I tell you that. “To hear from your significant other that she has some “desires” that you are not meeting,” will be a blow to the old male ego! Also don’t try to sit any rules or establish boundaries, for any swinging activities in this talk, it’s simply too emotionally charged for that. After, you both have worked through this period then you can discuss the rules and boundaries. And believe me it is better to work through ALL of this before you start as opposed to after!

“Now why don't I just ask her?” Be honest, one way to start the conversation may be something like this, “Honey, I have noticed that you may have an interest in swinging could we sit down some time and discuss it?” If she gets defensive, say something like “That is OK, but if you ever want to talk about it, I’m ready when you are.” And drop it at that, it has been my experience that once you open the door she will talk when she is ready.

Now, I am going to give you some advice from many years in the Lifestyle. First, an wise old college professor of mine once told me this and I have found it to be an absolute truth: “NEVER pick up your pay check and your loving (sex) from the same location!” I have this to be especially true in the lifestyle. Next, in importance is set the rules beforehand and NEVER try to modify then in the midst of a sexually charged encounter! If either would like to “expand the boundaries of your exploration” talk it out beforehand. And preferably not in bed, that is a place for fantasies not and open and honest discussion. And while on this subject, talk about your feelings AFTER your actual swing, there are often pent-up feelings of guilt, inadequacies and jalousies that if you don’t get out, can tear at the fabric of your relationship. Next, but not least, have a SAFE WORD and if need be USE IT. Unfortunately in the life style there may be those that you encounter that want to "expand your horizons" into areas that you either haven’t discussed or that you are not comfortable with. Don’t let emotions or passion of the moment take you beyond the established bounties. Remember no means NO, End of Discussion! And in closing I hope that I have given you some food for thought. And these discussion that I have referred to are not “pillow talk or phone fantasies” They are an open honest talks, holding hands and looking one another in the eyes, honestly baring your soul to each other, seated across the kitchen table from one another!.
Good luck from Ga., TJoeToo

I also would like to experience being with another woman but I have not so far because my husband gets so turned on by this that I am afraid that it will turn it to something totally for him which would take away from the experience for me. I say just tell your wife that if she would like to be with another woman you will give her the privacy she needs if she would rather you not be involved that way your are letting this be about her and not about you having two women. Also if you react too strongly in favor of it that may cause some jealousy which may create some confusion for her. I can only say how I would feel and this may not be the case for you.