Ask Dan & Jennifer

I hope you're joking. You can't be seriously thinking of bringing another man into the home with your children there. This is an episode of COPS waiting to happen.

Well, I was serious but am now having second thoughts after that comment :(

This can be very tricky. Perhaps you should ask some couples who have done this successfully. There are a number of podcasts from polyamory advocates (people with 3 or more in a relationship).

Still other couples successfully negotiate allowing one or both to have relationships outside of the marriage but not in the home.

This community (on this site) is not so specialized. Go look for some podcasts through iTunes. If you don't have it you can download it. There are a half-dozen or more including plain swinging ones but also for relationships such as you are describing.

There's a big difference between the occasional swing and the live-in relationship. Also, you should think of the possible effect of this on your children. What will they think, feel, or say about "mommy has two husbands".

Some people do make this work though I think it takes a lot of work. But don't let it stop you from talking with him about it.

Jessica; I'm glad you're having second thoughts about this. I hope you have a second and third thought. You need to go to family court and see how many kids have been removed from their homes over situations like this. you would be amazed.

Scarbowl is quite right.

The fact that you have had another female in the relationship does give you an opening, but I would suggest that you talk with both your Husband and Boyfriend before you do anything.

Try to arrange some activites out side the house that would bring the 3 of you together, and find out if they can even stand each other.

Jessica, I'm a 27 year old man and I can say I won't down you for what you want to do. As a husband I encourge my wife to bring another man into the bedroom for her pleasure. I know when it come to sex females do want to explore and have fun.
Its only right for you all too, since us guys already do and get by with it most of the time. Truthfully I hope your husband will let you enjoy another man and you 3 will be happy. However there is a different in a man being with you in a sexual way and him living with you. I would encourge you to talk to your husband and explain to him everthing. Maybe he will at least you keep the other man as a boyfriend or you two could have fun with him a time or two a week. Letting him live with you all, may
be a little risky. Once you bring a third party in your home all the time its very different and could cause problems in your marriage. So discuss with your husband about it and just maybe you two can meet in the middle and you both can enjoy whatever may come. I hope he does at least let you enjoy the other man without any issues. Hope it works out for you.
From Walter in SC

Originally posted by: Jessica lipstick
Well, I was serious but am now having second thoughts after that comment :(

Jessica, please don't let that comment dicourage you to the point of giving up. Personally, I would really enjoy being married to such a woman, but life has not been as fortunate for me in the areas of sex and romance... so back to you.

It sounds like you are already familiar with "open-relationships", so I suggest that you keep reading about them. You should also research the topic of polyamory. There are a number of good books on polyamory, or open-relationships.

If you and your husband decide that your lover should not move in, though that is what you want, you may be able to still incorporate him into your love life without being deceitful. There are infinite possibilities when people are willing to try and experiment.

I say, read a couple of good books, good internet articles, then tread lighty and present the idea at a slow and gradual pace.

Then again, you say that a woman has been in the mix in the past, polyamory may not be that foreign of an idea to him.

What you are talking about is definitely polyamory...or polygamy (I say polygamy since you would be the one having two relationships and unless your husband takes a liking to him, he won't have a bond with your boyfriend). You are wanting to maintain two relationships with men that you love. This is a really hard thing to do. After all, one relationship is hard to maintain, let alone two. While on a swing point of view it is easy to have sex with other people without effecting the relationship in a negative way. Here you are talking about emotional commitments and strings. That gets much more serious and harder for a person to handle. Chances are your husband will be hurt by this. After all, you may not want an affair, but you want to love someone else.

It does seem like a horrible idea to have him live with you because of your children. Whether or not your relationship with your husband is fine with the relationship, many people on the outside looking in wouldn't. Additionally, what happens when your kids figure it out? It is going to be hard for you to explain it to them and could cause resentment from them.

This goes a little beyond an open marriage. You are wanting to have a relationship that is as important as your marriage and involves an emotional tie. It is hard and dangerous ground. The only place you can start is talking with your husband, but don't be surprised if he is hurt by the idea.

Good Luck,
Dani

Dani brought up some very going points concerning the difficulties in making a polyamorous relationship work.

I think that you should read a book or two about polyamory before making your final decision.