I'm confused about my sexuality ... May I be a lesbian and just don't know it?

in Sex and Intimacy » Gay / Lesbian Sex and Dating • 3 years ago

Hi all,
I'm a girl, I'm 27 years old, and I only have been with boys. I've had boyfriends and some "casuals" too. The thing is that I think I don't really like guys. Even if I have sex and sometimes even enjoy it, I cannot really get hot with guys. I don't know if I don't like sex or if what I don't like is men.

When I am in a relationship I just "switch off" my sexuality and get convinced that I'm asexual, (usually my relationships go wrong and fail because I'm not interested in sex and do it just to please him and not often enough) .

I'm kinda attracted to women, (or at least I think I may). Sometimes I catch me looking at a girl but don't know if I'm looking at her breasts or just to her clothes and how they fits her. Or If I like her butt or if I'm admiring the shape and design of her trousers. I find some women really hot and beautiful, but I don't know if I do it more than what is "normal" for an heterosexual girl. (I don't know if I like her breasts and her butt to grab them with my hands or if I'd like to have one like that, I'm confused if I like her mouth to kiss and bite it or just wish mine were like it, to put it that way).

I've never tried having sex with a girl (It is much more difficult than it seems, specially in small cities)

When I was a teenager I had thoughts about having "something" with someone and I fantasized with her, but I refused to think about that because I found it quite disturbing.

What confuses me is that some friends admit to think in having sex with a woman too but they feel complete heterosexuals. May I be messing things in my head because I've issues in bed? Could I be asexual? Could it be another problem and I'm trying to convince me that it is just that I'm a lesbian?
There are here other people that have the same problem?
I know that the solution is to just try it and see what happens but I find really difficult (and scary) to find a girl to try it out.

May doing therapy help or the therapist just will tell me that I have to find a girl to sleep with? Are there other things that I could do to find out if i really like girls of I'm just getting obsessed about it?

I know that it is difficult to advice knowing that little about the problem, but I would like to talk with people that had the same confussion and what come out of all this for them, and share experiences about the process.

Thank you very much for any comment or suggestion.

(please, excuse any grammatical or spelling error, english is not my native language)

Replies(3)

maria_dan..

Re: I'm confused about my sexuality ... May I be a lesbian and just don't know it?

3 years ago

Its sensitive question - I'm not an expert on this - just one thought.
I read once that your sexual fantasies give a good indication of your preferences.
So maybe you don't have to try it out for real (if you don't feel like). You can watch closer at your fantasies & dreams to get an idea what you really like.

Beagle

Re: I'm confused about my sexuality ... May I be a lesbian and just don't know it?

3 years ago

I'm going to weigh in as a therapist.

Fantasies are a great indicator of sexual attraction/orientation.

Sexual orientation is extremely complex, more so for women. The evidence is that men, after adolescence, are pretty much attracted to one or the other. Heterosexual men may engage in homosexual acts, but that is generally when they don't have a potential female partner (i.e. prisoners). Efforts, mainly funded by conservative religious organizations, to change men's sexual orientation haven't been very promising so far. So far, the evidence has been that getting homosexual men to participate in heterosexual acts doesn't change their fundamental desires. They still have more of a physical response to homosexual media.

There appear to be women who are only attracted to women; who have never had fantasies/attraction for men/boys. However, evidence has shown that MOST women can be attracted to either sex. For most women, it appears to be more a matter of conditioning.

If a therapist tries to tell you who to have sex with, fire him. He or she should help you understand your values and needs and the implications of your decisions. Even if you should have a pleasurable sexual experience with a woman, that doesn't necessarily prove anything. It isn't at all uncommon for women to "switch" to relationships with women after abusive relationships with men. That supports the concept that it is largely a matter of conditioning. Therefore, there is no absolute "test" to determine if you're a "lesbian" or not.

At this point, let's ask what value there is in applying a label to your sexuality. Only you know what pleases and excites you. You're clearly not "asexual." Sexual drive can be lowered by countless factors. These include depression, worry, poor nutrition, hormonal imbalances, relationship problems, .... Another possibility is that you're comparing your sex drive to other people and you're worried because they seem to have more desires. Just because your sexual needs and drives differ from a hypothetical normal, that doesn't mean that you're "abnormal" or that there is necessarily a problem. If you're saying "I'm not myself; what's wrong with me?" then it could be time to see a therapist.

Be wary of getting a therapist with an agenda. A therapist should work within the context of your values and goals. Sometimes, therapists define normal as "like me." That isn't always the case. "Normal" covers a broad territory.

I would encourage you to stop trying to fit yourself into a category and begin exploring your desires. One good way is to read books by women who are attracted only to women or bisexual. See if their descriptions match what you're thinking and feeling. A therapist can help you explore these questions, but he or she can't answer them for you. I think exploring the written thoughts and feelings of women with similar experiences can be a great place to start. Then, you'll know what topics you want to take up with a therapist.

aeomanic

Re: I'm confused about my sexuality ... May I be a lesbian and just don't know it?

3 years ago

I don't think my answer will help you much, and I'm not really an expert in answering question. But to think that you're a lesbian or not, it really depends on what way do you think of other women.

If you're only attract to women in sexual way, that doesn't mean you're a lesbian. It could be curiosity, sexual attraction or sexual fantasy. Fantasize about having sex with other woman is totally normal, you're a human after all. Men like pretty women in good shape, so as women. Women can have all the fun men can have.
As a woman, sometimes I fantasized about having sex with other woman, it's definitely one thing I'd like to do before I die. But sexual attraction is different from emotionally attract - romance kind of way.

If you fantasize yourself having a romance relationship with another woman, the kind that other couples do. You might be a lesbian or atleast bisexual.

I hope this help you to find out who you are and what you want. Though it won't be much help.

-Aeomanic