Ask Dan & Jennifer

Dear LostTrust:

It sounds like you and he have a lot to talk about. I think everyone fantasizes about seeing someone else. That's why being faithful to one person is an act of the will, a choice. I'm not too concerned if a guy just looks, but having a separate email account to receive matches indicates that this has gone further.

I suspect he is having some second thoughts about your relationship. Sometimes, even when we have a good thing, we begin to take it for granted and wonder "What if?" The only way to address this is to sit down with him and lay the cards on the table.

The issue here isn't that he was looking; it's that he was being deceptive. I think you need to share with him how this made you feel and how it is very important for you to be able to trust him. Talk about your feelings, not what you think he's feeling.

We all make mistakes. He needs to know that you're concerned about the deception, not the fact that he was curious. He will either learn from this and correct his mistake, in which case the problem is solved; or he will just try to be sneakier, in which case he will get caught and it's time to tell him to have a nice life.

Thanks Beagle

Yes , talk is what we need , however we have hardly spoken for 4 nights now (both Work) just watching tv and feeling alone even though we are in the same room. He has offered no further insight and i dont feel ready to start the talk as i feel he owes me the explanation/reassurances. Thanks again, i appreciate the help.

About ..well, many years ago, I was a member of match.com and yahoo personals. I Even when I changed my status to unvailable, or hidden I will still recieve matches from them 3 times a week! I deleted my accounts and to this day, I still get matches from yahoo personals.
My sister (who is married) likes to go and check out the people that are signed up to see if she knows any of the (men and women) and she now gets her "matches" even though she signed up as married!
Those damn dating sites can cause more trouble in realtionships than they are worth.
Good luck and I hope he has a really easy and confortable explination for you.

Looking at these sites isn't cheating. But it's a step towards cheating and an indication of a desire to do so.

If you can go four nights barely speaking to one another I would say that, as a couple, you lack the skills to resolve relationship issues and this does not bode well for your future. I doubt this is the first time you've encountered a problem that results in this.

He may not want to own up to how he really feels and that is why he isn't offering an "explanation." He doesn't have one that he feels comfortable in sharing - because his reason is something you wouldn't want to hear.

If he won't talk, though, you'll need to make some effort to bring peace to this - or be willing to live in an uncomfortable silence. Guys can usually do this for longer than women can. He'll probably outlast you, anyway.

One option is just to tell him why you think he does this and how you think he feels. Ask him if you are right or if he can tell you something different.

You can choose to forgive him and move on or you can take this (and the resulting days of silence) as permission for you to move on (and out of) the relationship. Of course, it's always easier to say this when the sayer has no investment in the outcome and doesn't love either party. But your description sounds like a regular relationship dynamic that isn't going to bring you happiness in the long term. If he can't discuss issues and would sit for 4 days in silence over what could be a relatively small incident then you've got your answer on how much he cares for the relationship.

He shopping around for new women. It may be looking for sexual variety and still value your relationship,