Ask Dan & Jennifer

"Cheating" depends on the boundaries you have agreed on in your relationship. Every couple has different boundaries and expectations. For example; some people consider flirting cheating. Some people think flirting is fine, but actual intercourse is cheating. Some people have open relationships.

That being said, it's apparent that you have the understanding that you're in a monogamous relationship, which is great. I think you have every reason to be concerned. She's definitely interested in this guy, and if it hasn't progressed past friendship it probably will.

The only thing to do is to have this conversation with her. You have to be prepared for her not to respond the way you want her to. Talk about your concerns and how this makes you feel. That is the starting point, but I doubt that alone will work. Then, depending on her response, you are limited to several options.

1. Accept her behavior and hope it passes. If you choose this option, the relationship will almost certainly progress, probably to a sexual relationship. This is basically the "bury your head in the sand" approach, and is the most common and least successful. It's common because denial is often the easiest route.
2. Redefine the boundaries of the relationship. Make sure that you and she are clear on what "cheating" is, for you.
3. Refuse to tolerate her disrespect of the boundaries of your relationship. That will mean letting her know that if she continues this behavior, you will be moving out and filing for separation.

I'm going to send you an educational link regarding the development of affairs. Very few people start out to have affairs. it starts innocently, with a drink and talking about problems, until it progresses to "What have I done?!"

Danger Signs of an Affair

People avoid separation, because they see it as giving the other person more opportunity to be with the other person. In reality, it often gets them to thinking. She is basically disrespecting the ground rules of your relationship. If you tolerate disrespect, you invite more of it.

You also need to go to Amazon.com and get "Love must be Tough" by James Dobson, Phd. It is still the best guide on the subject.

This is a difficult spot to be in, and there are no easy solutions. Right now, the best thing you can do is to educate yourself on your options and the best approaches. Please check out the reading I have recommended and let me know if you have any more questions.

I wouldn't be able to accept that. I would have to confront her and let her know how I feel.
How would she feel if you did that to her?
Sounds like it would be hard to deal with and I would feel betrayed

Thank you very much for your answers.

My problem is that we have a son and I love her very much. I thought that I am too possesive but it seems that I am normal.

Thank you.

I think your feelings and conclusions are perfectly normal. I would reach the same conclusion you have.

Please get the Love Must be Tough book. It can help more than you realize. you can take that from someone who's been on the bad side of an affair.

I have had issues with this same topic.
I would not be comfortable with her behavior if I was in a committed relationship.
My problem is the women I have ended up with, in the past, who have done this, have not been willing to change after I let them know how I felt about it.
They accused me of being insecure and jealous.
Consequently, I eventually had to end the relationship.
I feel it is abusive for a partner to devalue and disrespect your feelings, berate you for having those feeling, and refuse to give up acting on behavior that is not conducive to honoring,respecting, and nurturing the relationship between the two of you.
I don't think I will ever be comfortable with it. As Beagle said, it's bound to progress because she has made a decision to act on behavior that is violating the boundaries of monogamy. She is responding to his flirting and taking him up on offers to spend time with him. That is time that belongs to her partner.

in my opinion, a relationship is about trust. just relax and ask her calmly if she is cheating on you, and if it lasts, then you may start to worry. but for now, chill out. :cool:

If you talk with her and she wants to continue seeing him, why don´t you propose to meet the guy and have a friendly drink with just the three of you? If she doesn't want that, then I would start to get really worried. I believe you are normal, but you shouldn't draw quick conclusions for something she probably may not have done yet.

What also could help, try to win her over to do nice things together with YOU in the evenings.

Greetings,

The Dutch couple

^ i agree, if she cant introduce you, be worried. then there is likely something shes hiding, or something is going on.

i, myself would still be worried now, cuz i am obviously like you, i get worried with stuff like this too.

but all you can do is ask her, and talk to her. if you fight, this may give her another reason to go hang out with him. or she may not like your "jelousy" ( i dont think its jelousy, i think its anger and upset and shit w.e) and she may get mad at you, even though your doing nothing wrong.

so just talk and ask to meet