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My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now, I'm 20, she's 19. However, it seems to be a concern of hers now that what lay ahead in the future may be only problems and inevitably a break up if we cannot work it out. I was wondering your input on this and whether or not someone thinks it can work.
She feels like I am going to hold her back during her twenties since she is starting to become more of a bar/club going person because "That's what everyone does." (Exactly her reason. Stupid, in my opinion.) However I do not really want her too be going, and I've voiced this multiple times due to bad life experiences with alcohol (such as an abusive, drunk of a father, an older brother dying due to drunk driving and a best friend almost losing his life to alcohol poisoning). She thinks I should just trust her, but in fact, I do, but not other people. She doesn't want to "waste" her twenties because she has to stay behind due to things that happened to me. (Note; I never once forbade her from going. But on the flip side, I'll admit I never just said "Have fun, but be careful." -- I tried that the first time she went when she turned 19 and just asked that she call me when she got home and she did not.)
She is a very family oriented person (Spends time with hers, family reunions, spends holidays with grand parents, aunts uncles, etc.) and I was raised without doing much of that. She thinks I'm not into the whole family thing and it might cause problems if and when we decide to have a family in years to come.
There is also the fact that she is going into university (But staying in the city, so it wont be a long distance relationship or anything) and thinks it might mess everything up with the stress and not seeing each other, etc. And even after her school she thinks our choice of careers will have an impact on family life and the time we spend together. (She wants to be a teacher and I am already in the culinary business -- basically opposite schedules.)
I would also like to get away from where we're living at the moment (Not anytime soon, obviously) however she says that she likes it here. There's just nothing to do here, whether it be for fun or jobs (other than those chain, franchise restaurants) in the culinary field.
We've also already hit kind of like a routine sort of day to day thing. We both work, or in the case of not being summer, she goes to school. We'll hang out with each other, sit around mostly, talking cuddling etc. I cook for her sometimes. But I find there's not much to do, and I was okay with just seeing her and having her time with me without going anywhere. Movies she likes, I dislike and no movies I think I'd like have come out. Thus neither force the other to go. All the restaurants are again, franchised stuff and I would rather stay at home and cook for her anyway.
We seemed fine after talking about all of these problems and I assured her that they would not get in the way of anything and most of these problems aren't or won't even going to be a problem for another 5 years. I tried to give her responses and things that could be done for each of these "problems". For example, I might have to find a job where it's closed some days of the week (Or perhaps find a day time job, such as teaching as well to go to an extreme), or we might have to move somewhere that's closer by, or if she and her friends feel like drinking do it at a home instead of out.
Two days latter a small fight over going to the bar came about again and after wards -- out of nowhere -- she breaks out with "I don't have the same feelings for you anymore, I'm not "in love" with you anymore. There isn't a spark."
There's been no "break up" or any of that. She doesn't want to hurt me and has told me she doesn't want me out of her life and she's confused about what to do due to her not having those "feelings" for me anymore. Is it a phase? Did the above scare her and is she just looking for a way out?
I did what I thought was my best and logical option and stayed calm, comforted her and told her to take some time to actually think about this (i.e. a break kind of) and what she is saying. Perhaps it was more a state of shock of the suddenness of this then calm, but it still surprised her. I told her to think of whether or not she wanted to fight for this relationship and try for the sake of us if these problems ever did come up (As I am. I believe that no matter how hard, the amount of love we have (or had?) for each other could keep us together if we worked at it.
She feels like I am going to hold her back during her twenties since she is starting to become more of a bar/club going person because "That's what everyone does." (Exactly her reason. Stupid, in my opinion.) However I do not really want her too be going, and I've voiced this multiple times due to bad life experiences with alcohol (such as an abusive, drunk of a father, an older brother dying due to drunk driving and a best friend almost losing his life to alcohol poisoning). She thinks I should just trust her, but in fact, I do, but not other people. She doesn't want to "waste" her twenties because she has to stay behind due to things that happened to me. (Note; I never once forbade her from going. But on the flip side, I'll admit I never just said "Have fun, but be careful." -- I tried that the first time she went when she turned 19 and just asked that she call me when she got home and she did not.)
She is a very family oriented person (Spends time with hers, family reunions, spends holidays with grand parents, aunts uncles, etc.) and I was raised without doing much of that. She thinks I'm not into the whole family thing and it might cause problems if and when we decide to have a family in years to come.
There is also the fact that she is going into university (But staying in the city, so it wont be a long distance relationship or anything) and thinks it might mess everything up with the stress and not seeing each other, etc. And even after her school she thinks our choice of careers will have an impact on family life and the time we spend together. (She wants to be a teacher and I am already in the culinary business -- basically opposite schedules.)
I would also like to get away from where we're living at the moment (Not anytime soon, obviously) however she says that she likes it here. There's just nothing to do here, whether it be for fun or jobs (other than those chain, franchise restaurants) in the culinary field.
We've also already hit kind of like a routine sort of day to day thing. We both work, or in the case of not being summer, she goes to school. We'll hang out with each other, sit around mostly, talking cuddling etc. I cook for her sometimes. But I find there's not much to do, and I was okay with just seeing her and having her time with me without going anywhere. Movies she likes, I dislike and no movies I think I'd like have come out. Thus neither force the other to go. All the restaurants are again, franchised stuff and I would rather stay at home and cook for her anyway.
We seemed fine after talking about all of these problems and I assured her that they would not get in the way of anything and most of these problems aren't or won't even going to be a problem for another 5 years. I tried to give her responses and things that could be done for each of these "problems". For example, I might have to find a job where it's closed some days of the week (Or perhaps find a day time job, such as teaching as well to go to an extreme), or we might have to move somewhere that's closer by, or if she and her friends feel like drinking do it at a home instead of out.
Two days latter a small fight over going to the bar came about again and after wards -- out of nowhere -- she breaks out with "I don't have the same feelings for you anymore, I'm not "in love" with you anymore. There isn't a spark."
There's been no "break up" or any of that. She doesn't want to hurt me and has told me she doesn't want me out of her life and she's confused about what to do due to her not having those "feelings" for me anymore. Is it a phase? Did the above scare her and is she just looking for a way out?
I did what I thought was my best and logical option and stayed calm, comforted her and told her to take some time to actually think about this (i.e. a break kind of) and what she is saying. Perhaps it was more a state of shock of the suddenness of this then calm, but it still surprised her. I told her to think of whether or not she wanted to fight for this relationship and try for the sake of us if these problems ever did come up (As I am. I believe that no matter how hard, the amount of love we have (or had?) for each other could keep us together if we worked at it.
