Ask Dan & Jennifer

I dont believe theres such thing as to much sex...Myself and my girlfriend have been happily together for 5 years and I think I could say its rare if a day goes by where we dont engage in sexual intimacy. We keep an open honest relationship with each other and always try to spend some quality time together in the day whether it be at dinner, after dinner with a movie we rent or just in the morning with breakfast and talking. Keeping open conversation and the small things count all day I think. Foreplay starts in the morning when we both go to work. A sexy little text she sends or a little reminder of what may happen when we get off work later in the evening and meet at home again. It all helps and keeps the sexual drive there for both of us. You should be happily satisfied. You deserve it!!! Hope this helps!

Thanks mikedee! Still don't know how to get there, however, your shared end results make it worth the efforts! The efforts in getting back out there and trying again.

Try going to porn shops together but make sure they have everything you need. With all the products they have now, I would think that there would be more than enough ways for any couple to enjoy sex.

Thanks for the response.

I did not say we did not enjoy sex, I said I was not getting enough sex. He appeared to be fulfilled and content, I was not. I started early in the day with sweet messages or subtle hints, and continue to send signals with no sexual response from him, so, I continue being subtle. Day 2, I ask to be sure there is no misunderstanding. When it comes to sex why cannot one have quality and quantity? We both were orgasming, multiple for me. It was very good. I would like more and more often.

Is it your position that he may be bored or disinterested on needs more inticing or the porn would make him more eager or interested? I'm not a male, and do not pretend to understand, so, I really need you to lay out what you think a trip to the porn shop would accomplish.

Naturally, I am always ready, so, a trip to the porn shop would take me over the top and if it does not do it for him, I will be beyond frustrated. Yes, there is such a thing and apparently a reoccuring state for me.

I have ended the relationship. I began to feel like a burden asking him for something he seemed to have difficulty making time and exerting energy providing. Do you have any idea what if feels like to feel like a burden to someone? I did not need to be the priority, I just wanted to be ranked among them. Sorry, it's been less than a month. However, in evaluating the relationship, its demise and accepting my role; I came upon this reoccuring issue/concern in all my previous sexual relationships - I'm always asking for more, and he appears to get around to me after the project, job, session, election, movie, football game, etc. Hence, my posted question.

I was going to respond but after reading the last paragraph, I'm not sure if it'll do any good at this point.....

Please respond.

I am very interested in what you think. Your share cannot help my past three relationships, however, I'm hopefully it may help me understand, do what I can on my side and have the tools to address in the future. If the issue, by chance, arises again.

Please reconsider. I'll be devastated if it happens again, and, we cannot move past it.

Sounds to me like youve done everything you can do Lisa! You tried sending out small signals, and teasing a bit through out the day? Whispering things to him? Leaving little notes or anything like that before he goes to work with what your thinking for later? That type of thing works wonders in my relationship, but everyone is different as well. I would think if you did try, which you clearly were trying to get him turned on, and you didnt get a response, then you probably did the right thing. You mentioned it to him as well it seems, so theres nothing more you can do. Sounds like you did everything you could have done to get him to respond to you. If a trip to a porn shop would send you that much over the edge and maybe not do it for him, leaving you unsatisfied, then I dont think it would help much by the sounds of it. Everyone is individuals, so with some guys, that may put them in the right mind set. Like you said, it would sned you over the top, and that works for me and my girlfriend as well, so I dont know what else would help you? How often did you expect intimacy if you dont mind? I think that varies alot between people as well.

Thanks for your response!

I agree, desire varies among people, add in aging and other factors as more variables, so, then what?!?

Intimacy Expectation - I would expect he would want it too! Ideally, I would like intimacy everyday - kissing, holding, hugging, caressing, intimate conversation, messing around/foreplay minus the after play any or all variations. Sex, with intimacy, a couple times during the week, and a couple times on the weekend would be nice, so 4 - 6 times a week would be my want, wish, desire. Throw in a couple quickies for good measure. Then, maybe 3 quickies, 3 sex with intimacy. I'm flexible, just want some on a regular basis within my relationship.

I had taken several years break to address priorities - raise children, go back to school, survive the divorce, work through my issues, etc. The relationship I recently ended, started off awesome with five weeks of communication before we swung into intimacy - Monday, then intimacy with sex - Wednesday, it was great for both of us. Then, he had to visit his chiropractor- Thursday, so, the next time was a massage and focus on him - it was equally awesome - Friday. Then, he complained of aching all over. I told him that's what happens when you haven't had sex in a while, I suggested we work through his soreness. Sunday, we met out for a late dinner and he kept me at dinners out for a week. When the subtle hints - text and verbal, did not work, I was direct and stated I enjoyed being intimate with him and asked when "he" thought we could be intimate again. He said he was really sore, had a lot of work on his plate, and maybe he needed to get back in the gym. His priorities were work-related. I told him I didn't think our relationship would work. He said the timing wasn't right and asked for time to "rethink and pencil me in", he asked if I would be open to dating him in the future. I told him I thought highly of him as a person and thought it best to end it now. Timing not right? He reached out to me on eHarmony!

So, is it too forward if I ask a perspective guy about his frequency? Will he be honest? Just don't want to go through this again. Yes, I've had to ask for sex and intimacy in my previous three relationships, and I am tired and quite frustrated!

Originally posted by: Lisa in OH IO


I have ended the relationship. I began to feel like a burden asking him for something he seemed to have difficulty making time and exerting energy providing. Do you have any idea what if feels like to feel like a burden to someone? I did not need to be the priority, I just wanted to be ranked among them. Sorry, it's been less than a month. However, in evaluating the relationship, its demise and accepting my role; I came upon this reoccuring issue/concern in all my previous sexual relationships - I'm always asking for more, and he appears to get around to me after the project, job, session, election, movie, football game, etc. Hence, my posted question.

Sexual appetite is a major compatibility issue. It seems his was about average and yours was very high. It is obvious that this is extremely important to you, so it should be a criteria for considering a relationship.

Many of the difficulties that couples face are a result of fundamental incompatibilities in areas like this. My only feedback is that someone can be the greatest person in the world, but their needs and wants may not be compatible with your needs and wants.

The cautionary tale here for readers is to make sure that your relationship is consistent with your values before commitment.

Thanks Beagle!

In response to your quote - haven't quite learned how to drop in text.

The cautionary tale here for readers is to make sure that your relationship is consistent with your values before commitment.

I'm seeking tips for how to appoach this conversation with a male. What's the right way to ask? I know now it should be asked, must be asked, I just want the best possible outcome. I want him to be okay with me asking, I want him to receive it well, and I want him to be truthful. My intention is to head towards a successful all inclusive relationship with both our needs and wants acknowledged and/or addressed to the best of our ability.

Originally posted by: Lisa in OH IO
Thanks Beagle!

I want him to be okay with me asking, I want him to receive it well, and I want him to be truthful. My intention is to head towards a successful all inclusive relationship with both our needs and wants acknowledged and/or addressed to the best of our ability.

Lisa: Being very upfront and sexual is obviously a big part of who you are. The best way is to just be yourself. I know that's cliche, but if he isn't comfortable with that, then you're probably not the right person for him.

I'm going to recommend a great book for you. It's about how to have these conversations. It has a whole chapter on the very issue you're talking about and I think it will answer your questions, both the spoken ones and the unspoken ones. If it doesn't help, PM me and I'll personally refund your money.

Amazon.com: Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons: How to Find Your Soul Mate (9780446693882): Neil Clark Warren, Ken Abraham: Books

(I'm not affiliated with the author or Amazon.)

Hey again,

I think theres many ways you could go about asking it, but I think the best way to ask would jus tbe honest and straightforward about it. What exactly are you curious as how to ask? What he expects sexually and intimately? In regards to his sex drive or how often you would like things to happen? Bit confused on exatly what your wondering about how to ask? My girlfriend and I have been having some issues lately as well over the last week or so with this type of thing as well. So yah I've been thinking how am I supposed to approach her as well now!

Originally posted by: Lisa in OH IO
Thanks for your response!


Intimacy Expectation - I would expect he would want it too! Ideally, I would like intimacy everyday - kissing, holding, hugging, caressing, intimate conversation, messing around/foreplay minus the after play any or all variations. Sex, with intimacy, a couple times during the week, and a couple times on the weekend would be nice, so 4 - 6 times a week would be my want, wish, desire. Throw in a couple quickies for good measure. Then, maybe 3 quickies, 3 sex with intimacy. I'm flexible, just want some on a regular basis within my relationship.

Also, it doesnt seem like your expecting much more than someone would expect from a relationship. Like was said earlier, maybe its just a compatibility thing. You need to have that sexual compatibility with the other person and overall compatibility as well to have that tension between two people to keep the intimacy high.

Originally posted by: Beagle
I'm going to recommend a great book for you. It's about how to have these conversations. It has a whole chapter on the very issue you're talking about and I think it will answer your questions, both the spoken ones and the unspoken ones. If it doesn't help, PM me and I'll personally refund your money.

Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons: How to Find Your Soul Mate (9780446693882): Neil Clark Warren, Ken Abraham: Books

Thanks Beagle! I've owned this book for years, apparently when I read it 7 years ago, I was honing in on something else. A good friend has it and has for at least 5 years, since she is out of town for the holiday, I've placed it on reserve at the local library.

Thanks again, I'll respond as soon as I've read the section.

The other point, of being myself, I have no challenges being direct and to the point, I just wanted to exercise some tact. Sounds like the chapter may provide the direction I'm seeking.

Originally posted by: mikedee

I think theres many ways you could go about asking it, but I think the best way to ask would jus tbe honest and straightforward about it. What exactly are you curious as how to ask? What he expects sexually and intimately? In regards to his sex drive or how often you would like things to happen? Bit confused on exatly what your wondering about how to ask? My girlfriend and I have been having some issues lately as well over the last week or so with this type of thing as well. So yah I've been thinking how am I supposed to approach her as well now!

Thanks mikedee!

How to ask was my concern, I still choose to be polite, and do not want to offend - how to get a truthful response from the man without inciting curiousity. Yes, I want to know his preferred frequency, what turns him on, his absolute turn-offs. I do not want him to attempt to figure out what I want him to say, I want him to tell me the truth.

Sorry to hear you and your girlfriend are having some issues. However, from our previous communication it appears you have a solid base and know each other really well. So, it should be easy to get to the point and address the issue head-on, due to your history. In my case, I'm getting to know a guy, I like him and I'm asking pointed questions to find out if it is worth taking it to the next level - there's a level of uncertainty, and the unknown because the relationship is new and delicate. Your relationship seems to have stood the test of some time, so, do not delay - address your issue today!

thanks for some advice on that too. I know what you mean with things starting out and what not. It should be open to what each persons turn ons are and everything. Makes that part of things much easier and run smoothly for sure. Just curious, is there an age difference in the relationship? How far apart? Your age?

I'm 43, the "October /eHarmony guy" was 49.

My ex-husband is 4 years older than me and so was the rebound guy a year later, however, I was 27 and 29 then.

Ah, ok. That makes things a little bit easier to put into perspective in some sense i guess. Maybe not though! I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 36. But like I said, things are usually good, but just the last week or so, it hasnt been how it usually is. She seems to hold back a bit more than usual... but yah I guess things change with age as well. Maybe im wrong?

mikedee,

If you've only experienced a shift within the last week or two, it could be attributed to the holiday season, reflection on new year's resolutions, something more serious or something really minor, however, it appears your current issues will pass and your intimacy will return to normal.

No...not according to me

Well, thank you!

Hey Lisa in OH....Did any advice help things along? For me, turns out it isnt just due to time of season or any other factors.... Been 3 weeks or so now, and not at all how things used to be....She's become much more reserved and not open to things she used to be...I asked her if there is anything stressing her out or if she has other things on her mind, but she has reassured me its not that. I thought maybe the age gap is having something to do with it? But it hasnt in the past and I brought that up and she says it isnt that at all. Confused and not sure whats made things different all of a sudden.